A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel really sad writing this post and I'm going to lay my heart bare by saying what I don't even want to think to myself.I am 38, married for 6 years, have a child and I have never been in love. By love I mean romantic love with a man. (I'm straight, by the way...just putting it out there.)And it's ridiculous! I am very well educated, dare I say I'm quite attractive, I have the most amazing parents, I love my daughter to death. My husband is a nice guy. I married him because I knew I wouldn't find anyone better in many ways. I like him very much and we have an amazing sex life. But I don't think I'm in love with him. The kind of love you read about in books- all consuming, can't live without you love. And the worst part is, I don't think I've ever been in love! I've dated, I've travelled the world, had mad crushes, been very popular with guys, everything. But I've never ever been in love.The other day I was driving somewhere alone and a song that I really like came along. The first person that I thought of when I heard that song was my daughter. Not my husband. I think there are times I feel I love my parents more than I love my husband. If he were to go away somewhere today, I don't think I would feel much. And I guess I've pretty much felt like this even when I was a new bride. And I feel awful saying this because nothing is really wrong with our relationship! There are no money problems, no cheating, hardly any fights. We look like a perfect family from the outside and I guess you could say we are, too, because we have no problems! And yet, I don't "love" him. He doesn't know all this of course.Am I being silly? I realise these are rich people, first world problems and I feel ridiculous saying all this now when the world is battling with a pandemic...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2021): I think what you need to do is take time for yourself. Take yourself on a holiday to learn about yourself, reflect and think about what you really want from YOUR life in future.
It could require some lateral thinking, but it's something you'll have to do on your own without other people distracting you.
After all. It's YOUR life, and you won't get it back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): I had a very passionate, romantic thing with a guy for eight years. But it was so many highs and lows, so much worry, he often lied to me, he often let me down, he often showed me no respect, it was torture most of the time. But the romance and passion keeps you hoping and going with it. Now I am with a guy who I can totally trust, respects me a lot, we love being together but I am not pining and feeling crap and worried about what he is doing when he is not there, it is far better. We don't have romance, passion, but we have trust, honesty, loyalty, a terrific friendship, it is far far better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2021): No, my dear, you are not being silly at all. I often have to remind some of the younger original posters not to romanticize, fantasize, or daydream too much about what love is. It is not as depicted in romance novels, chick-flicks, magazines, and on Hallmark cards. You have a good life. You have been blessed with a beautiful child, you have a faithful-husband; but you aren't grateful for your blessings.
Often, we all find ourselves assessing our lives, and looking back over the years. We make the mistake of comparing ourselves, what we have, or our accomplishments against that of others. That is where we make a serious mistake. In this case, you're comparing your affections towards your husband to make-believe love. Love in its truest form is pure and enduring. Here is how the Bible describes what love is:
"1 Corinthians 13:4-5: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
"Ecclesiastes 4:9: Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
You may crave more romance, and because your relationship to your husband is "normal;" maybe it seems you're missing-out on something. You need an artificial or theatrical-performance to make you feel appreciated. Your husband stands by you, and you stand by him. You gave him a child. He takes care of the two of you. When you have sex, you are one flesh, and you make love. You are joined together as one, you live in partnership, and you seldom fight or argue; because you compliment each-other, and you are well-matched.
Maybe because you have dwelled too long on this subject, or you're a victim of your own overthinking; you've somewhat under-valued your marriage. You, like many, start picking it apart. You start finding fault in your blessing. That's inviting discord and discontent into your union. Looking for something that isn't necessarily real, but is more appealing to your fantasies. If you lack passion or romance, you must explain to your husband what you feel is missing in your marriage. Rather than telling us, maybe it would be more fulfilling and beneficial if you told him. For God's sake, please do not tell him you're not in-love with him; that would be a grave mistake. You're going through what many of us go through; sometimes we start feeling we've failed to meet a goal, or life doesn't live-up to our lofty expectations. That's until something terrible happens that opens our eyes; and reminds us of how good things really are, and how bad they could be.
If, God forbid, an unforeseen tragedy or sudden lost occurred; that's often when we realize how much we really value and love our partners. When someone else comes along, and tries to steal what you're taking for granted! You're unthankful, because it's not perfect and shiny; or some phony representation hasn't swept you off your feet, and carried you off into Netherland. Maybe dissatisfaction and indifference has overtaken you; because you're taking so much for granted. Loss is a quick remedy for that. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
You may falsely-perceive that you've never have been "in-love;" if you compare it to fairytales or love-stories, but you have what many women and men are dying and praying to have. Your looks will fade, you will age, and time will go on. Pray to God that what you have will endure as time passes. All you've described is what real-life is like.
Don't let a loss remind you of what God has blessed you with, sweetheart. You met your husband, and may not have "fallen in-love" like they do in romance novels; but you have a blessed marriage, and a family who loves you. Probably a lot more than you realize. Yes, we want the whole fairytale package with all the glitter and valentines! We want what we think others seem to have; but that's how darkness slips into our lives, and steals our joy and happiness. You shouldn't have to face tragedy or loss of anything to appreciate what you have. I know this may come-off as sappy or naive; but love is clean and pure. It is good. It doesn't always appear as seen in the movies, but the purest form of it endures. As the years past, you'll grow closer, and you begin to recognize the best qualities in your partner. You'll start to realize that love is the glue that is holding your family together.
Be thankful for what you have. God gives, and He takes-away. Blessings dry-up, when the recipient doesn't show gratitude. You don't always get what you think you want; but God always supplies us with what we surely need. That which endures and enriches us; rather than fulfilling fantasies and greedy appetites that are unreal and will fade with time.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (31 July 2021):
 The love you read about in (some) books in fantasy, pure and simple. That is what sells. It is a form of escapism from everyday life. Let's face it, nobody would be that interested in reading about "everyday" love, things like asking your partner how their day has been, raising a child together, making sure your partner is comfortable and cared for, handing them a cup of tea when they have come home tired.
How would you feel if your husband died tomorrow? Can you envisage a world where you would never see or speak to him again? What would you miss about him?
Do you and your husband do things together, just the two of you? Sometimes, when children arrive, it is too easy to become bogged down in parenthood, to the exclusion of each other. Do you go on date nights, where you don't talk about your daughter but about other things which you share? Do you give spontaneous gifts to each other, or spontaneous cuddles? To keep your relationship alive and vibrant, you need to nurture it.
Tap into what you found attractive about your husband before you married him and concentrate on that. Enjoy your sex life. Perhaps have a chat with him and ask him for suggestions of things he would like to do. Say you feel your relationship needs nurturing so that it doesn't stagnate. Hopefully he will pleasantly surprise you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (31 July 2021):
 There are so many shades of "LOVE" out there, OP
What you read about in books or see in a movie is NOT reality. It's a fantasy that LOOKS or SOUNDS real.
The LOVE you feel for your daughter is special I think most parents have these overwhelming feelings of love for a child that just doesn't compare to the feelings you can have for a partner.
I think you love your partner, just not passionately. It's more of a subtle kind of love.
Pandemic aside - first-world problems aside - your feelings are valid.
I feel a bit sad for your husband. The fact that you feel you settled with him because you didn't think something better would come around.
I mean how would you feel if HE told you he felt this way? Hurt, right?
How do you show love?
How does your husband show love?
What are your favorite things about him?
Define love (as you see it).
Maybe lower your expectations for the notion of "romantic all-consuming love" and LOVE what you have. you have a healthy, solid marriage and partner, father of your child.
The whole notion of "happily ever after" is a fantasy. No one is. Not 100% of the time. Every marriage, relationship, and friendship will have its ups and downs. Sometimes we feel DEEPER for one's partner and sometimes a bit less.
There is no "greener grass" there is the lawn you have and the better you take care of it, water it with affection, care, trust, respect, and support - the greener it will be.
Have you considered talking to a counselor? Maybe explore who you feel like you have never been in love with?
You obviously LOVE yourself enough to have picked a "good one" for your mate and spouse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2021): You are surely not alone in this. Many people 'settle' for the partner who will bring them stability and security, a person that they like very much, but don't have the 'hots' for.
I have been engaged to a man and in a relationship that sounds very much like your marriage. He was/is a great bloke, everyone loved him, he was good in bed, we seldom fought, I had no worries and could enjoy life. Then, I met a man who I 'loved'. I ended up leaving my lovely man for the one who I couldn't stop thinking about, the one whose clothes I couldn't wait to rip off. We were together five years and it was a far cry from the happy, carefree relationship I had had with Mr. Lovely. I was so stressed a lot of the time, because a lot of women felt about him the way that I did and I worried, was insecure and turned into someone I didn't like.
There's a lot to be said for being in a marriage like yours and I think many, many people are. It is sad when you don't feel that chemistry with the man you're with and I know only too well the feelings that you have, BUT the grass was most certainly not greener the other side of the fence in my case and I miss very much the man that I left.
Having that lust and passion for someone comes with its own problems, relationships are rarely easy when love and passion are present. Being 'in like,' with a man, as I described my former relationship, has an awful lot to recommend it.
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