A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have never met anyone who has made me think "Wow, I want to be with you." I worry because I'm afraid it may never happen. Is this a common phenomenon?To make this clear, I do have sexual attraction to actors and such, but I've never had a crush on an "actual" person. I've had one relationship and have gone on dates with other people to see if an attraction could develop (as I was lonely). But there's never a spark. Nothing against them, for the most part they've been lovely people, but I keep expecting to find this great specialness that doesn't appear. I guess I might consider myself a romantic. When I think of being attracted to someone, I think of this powerful force that draws me back to them for unseen reasons. A commanding presence, if you will. It's most likely my inner Disney Princess saying this, but I feel like if I don't experience that with someone, than I will just settle and miss out on an amazing love.If you have experienced this, how did you overcome it? I know it's unhealthy to idealize this perfect person out there. I was hoping by my twenties I would have this figured out, but it's not working out so much. Any (constructive/friendly) advice would be nice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): Well, I think there is nothing wrong with you. In a few years if you still haven't felt strong feelings for anyone maybe start asking yourself if your attracted to the same sex because you could be? If not you could just be asexual and not like anyone at all and that's just your sexuality.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 October 2014):
Some feel the spark straight away, but for others they have to get to know a person before those feelings of attraction grow with time. I don’t think you’re unusual or going to miss out, I think you’re one of those people I described. You said you do have sexual attractions so you are capable of feeling attraction, but you close down with disappointment and frustration when the instant appeal of some-one out of the movies turns out not to be quite so instant and immediate in the real world. You talk about missing out and settling, but to be honest life’s not a movie anyway. You’ll probably never find some-one absolutely perfect, but I prefer to say that if some-one is perfectly imperfect in your eyes, then they are perfect enough for you.
I think you do understand that, but I think you are indulging your inner Disney princess too much. Perhaps the reason you don’t feel this need to be with them all the time straight away, is because on those shoulders is a very sensible head that thinks about whether they’re right for you, whether there are common interests, and whether you could come to fall more deeply for them. You keep a level of control, which isn’t quite as wildly exciting as being immediately head over heels, but will allow you to make better decisions.
You may simply not have met your special some-one yet, but give men a chance, make sure you have male friends that you interact with regularly and think about the qualities of a person you like. Don’t clam up because your sensible head stops you falling too hard, too fast, but see if attraction to anyone grows with time. Yours isn’t the easiest question to answer, because I’m trying to explain a problem you have, that may be solved tomorrow, next month, next year, or whenever you do meet some-one you are highly attracted to. But I think you’re wise, cautious and don’t let your heart rule your head, and that’s why you don’t allow yourself to be that crazy for some-one if you’re not absolutely certain. This measured approach isn’t something I think you should worry about, or try to mask.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): Well, I cant tell you how to feel, but I can tell you what happened in my situation.
I was 29 when I met my husband. Up until then I had gone on dates, had a few casual boyfriends but no one special. Like you, I had no one that I felt connected to. Then when my husband asked me out, I just went, not expecting anything to be different......and it sort of wasn't to begin with. We went to the movies, for a coastal drive, for a meal that kind of thing. Then one day I realised that he was my best friend, he was the person I turned to and wanted to be with. He was the one I wanted to tell when I heard something funny. There was no big love affair, I simply realised that I loved him and it kind of crept up on me.
Most of my adult life friends told me that I would just "know" when I had met the right person and I always believed that was just something married/coupled people say but now I know it is true.
Just go with life and one day you too will meet someone you want to share things with. I wish you luck.
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