A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I'm beginning to think I may be doing something wrong on my part in relation to females.I'm currently 25 years old, ive never had a girlfriend, never been on a date and the only sexual relationships I've had with girls have either been one night stands or FWBS. I've just ended a very, very messy FWB right now which is making me ask this question in fact.I'm starting to doubt myself, I never usually worried about this kind of thing because I never wanted a gf and was happy with my own company, I've always had enough female attention to keep me going so I know my looks are decent enough and I take care of myself by going to the gym also. I'm thinking that something about myself tells females that I'm not relationship material and I have no idea what.My latest FWB ended because she has plans to go travelling later in the year and she doesn't think it's a good idea to keep seeing each other. She's probably also the closest I've ever come to having a girlfriend. We get on fantastically and have great chemistry, just not the right time for her as she's leaving in a few months which is fair enough, I will suck this up and deal with it.About a month before that, when me and FWB weren't speaking, I reconnected with a girl who I'd slept with years before. We also had a great chemistry and was chatting like nothing had changed, I asked her on a date and she told me she doesn't feel ready yet, although I'm a great guy. I heard yesterday that she's seeing a guy from an overlapping friendship group, which translates to me as though, thanks but no thanks for the offer, the problem lies with me.A few months before that. I went out on a whim, I liked the looks of a girl I'd never spoke to before so I messaged her and we spoke for a few days, eventuslly asked to grab her number and she told me she was seeing someone. Maybe that was legit but another strike out.The FWB was very, very on/off. Feelings got involved and made it messier than it should do. We have probably only reconnected for about a month before we have ended things 100% for good this time. We slept together last weekend but before that my last sexual partner was 6 months ago.I really, really feel like I've lost all confidence and have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I would really appreciate any advice and will add any required info as necessary.
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confidence, never had a girlfriend, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 March 2017):
 Go for it!
You can always flirt more discretely too, if you don't want the direct approach. Start by just a smile and a nod. Sitting next to her at a party without talking to her (acting as if you wanted to talk to the other person next to her etc.) Then just casually talk to her as if you're just being polite. If you notice she smiles at you a lot, or if she is so bold as to touch you briefly, that is your "OK" signal, your green light. Then just ask if she'd like to have coffee one time (dont use the word date). Or I don't know, if coffee is your style or not, but invite her out to something casual. Say if she's really interested in sports, you can ask her to a game. If she's into some type of music and there's a concert you know of, ask her to that. Or ask her to grab a cup of tea, or maybe even go grab something to eat... It could be anything. It's just a more casual way of asking someone out.
Or, go on a dating app. People on there are there for the exact same reason as you, so no having to worry about them not being single.
Good luck!
PS. If you can keep count of how many girls you have asked out, you haven't asked out enough...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you chi girl, it's more than 3 I'd probably say about ten or so I just used the last 3 as examples I probably should of mentioned that. Even ten isn't very many though now you've put it in those terms.
Guess I need to start putting myself out there more.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 March 2017):
What you are doing "wrong" is that you have talked to three girls who rejected a relationship/date with you. And so you think that three is a lot of women to ask?
Women tend to NOT be the ones who ask out men, but even I have asked out more men, and gotten far more rejections, that you have. It's a numbers game, plain and simple. If there's a 90% chance of a mismatch (of them rejecting you) then you need to ask at least 10 girls to get 1 positive answer. You can't just stop at three and say "well, that's it, I use up my three chances so now Im done".
When you are ready to date, or to have a relationship, you will simply have to find someone who is also ready and who finds that you and they have the right chemistry and attraction and is of the same mind. It's not EASY, but it's not difficult either. It demands that you leave your comfort zone and dare ask a LOT of women. Eventually, one is going to say yes.
Before I met my current boyfriend I was single for about 8 months, which is the longest I've ever gone single, to be honest. I didn't start actively searching for a date/new relationship until about 2-3 months after the previous relationship ended. So that leaves about 5-6 months of actively searching, which translates to: going on a date with someone new almost EVERY WEEKEND, maybe even two different guys a week, and I asked out men just as often as they asked me out, I got rejections, or I got a first date but they rejected a second one, or I rejected them. I even asked for a guys number at a bar once, and I got his number, but conversation dried out and there was no date. Im just saying, I asked out a heck of a lot more than THREE guys.
And then after these 5-6 months of trying (and I did take a break of a month or so in this time, it's exhausting to put yourself out there...) I got asked out by the man who is now my boyfriend. Did I know it would end in a relationship from the first date? No. But I wanted to meet him again, he wanted to meet me again, and so far it was just like all the other dates I had gone on. But by the second date you tend to know if this is something you are interested in or not. So we went on a third date, fourth date, and then on the fifth date I right out just asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. Yes, risky. But he said yes!
So, it's pretty straight forward. Nothing wrong with you at all, except you haven't dared to ask enough women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Andie for your answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou wiseowl, I really enjoyed reading that and it was what I needed to hear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017): I think you're misinterpreting your own real feelings and sensitivities; you're coming to a realization that you've grown-up. It is best for your growth and development into manhood, that your past relationships fade into the past.
You inadvertently, or perhaps purposely, used those women. The tables turned. They grew-up faster than you did, as is usually the case with females. We hate to admit their smarter; but we have a stronger sense of logic. They may be more driven by emotion; but that tempers insensitivity. That makes them more complex. Better even at leadership. As we're finally beginning to realize in this new age.
When you developed feelings for the lady you labeled a friend with benefits; that was a life-lesson. That you can't survive on sex alone. You are not just driven by your primitive impulses; but as a human being, you need to satisfy your emotional needs. We are inherently designed to couple. You won't see this right-away, but you will through introspection. You've either buried and suppressed it, or it has finally developed. Some dudes are late-bloomers, and victims of arrested-development and prolonged boyhoods. Women will testify to that!
Once you didn't care, you were just having fun. That is what adolescence is about. Coming into our sexual-identity and sexual-orientation; by way of some experimentation, and trial-relationships. You introduced yourself to varying female personalities, and got a lot out of your system. "Sowing the wild seeds" is what you should do before settling into a committed adult-relationship. In other words, grow-up first.
Now you can see the pitfalls of meaningless one-night stands, being the player; and taking consideration of no-one's needs but your own. You might say a little of your karma has caught-up with you. Not a bad thing, because we have to develop our sensitivities as men; as well as our strength. Just from reading your post, I can sense you've overcome some of your weaker character-flaws. Now you're seeing life through a man's eyes. Not as a horny kid.
You're feeling your growing-pains, and sensing empathy that once wasn't there. Now knowing what it feels like to be dumped after getting your rocks off. Just being a piece of meat to satisfy someone's carnal appetite. You now crave to be loved and valued. That's a very good sign.
You aren't doing much wrong. You're seeing the effects of your boyish insensitive past. The women you look back on are those who were chosen for a purpose; and as far as their concerned, you've performed your services. And they should move on to bigger and better things. Don't expect the people you've used, and were used by, to give a sh*t. It was all for fun. See ya!!! They wave as they fade into the horizon.
Time to reboot, and upgrade your male-mindset. Graduate from boy to man. Meet women, date, and go through an actual "courtship." That's an outdated term that means you must meet them, get to know them, evaluate those traits and attributes that will match your personality-type, use your larger head as opposed to the smaller one; and allow your feelings/emotions to be attached to sex. Even at the risk of getting hurt. You must show some vulnerability in order to be trusted by women. Only the stupid ones perceive it as weakness, that's why they choose all the wrong guys. It serves them right. They will learn.
Dating should be casual, and relaxed; not a mission to prove anything. Allow nature to take its course; that means let the natural chemistry between you and a romantic-interest develop without forcing it to happen, or letting sex be your only motive.
The big mistake too many of our readers (young and old) make is they go out looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend; and it becomes a mission. They set time-limits and ridged rules that defy logic and reason. Then get frustrated when love doesn't happen on demand. It doesn't work that way. That's the stupid brainwashing you've been subjected to through social media and the movies. It doesn't happen in an instant; following a few great conversations and sharing things in-common. That doesn't equal a perfect match. It takes time to get to know each other, being on the same page emotionally, and allowing feelings time to attach to someone you know. Not just feeding your sense of entitlement to have what you want now.
Just like you don't go grocery shopping hungry; you don't search for love in a state of neediness. You'll put everything in the cart that shouldn't be there, and pay way too much for it all.
These are things dads are supposed to teach our sons. Unfortunately; dads are absent, indifferent, misogynist, or as immature as their sons. We have a shortage of male role-models and mentors; because even the mature and experienced male wants a second-boyhood. You don't/can't go back once you've crossed the threshold into manhood. You can maintain your boyish-charm, and keep a fresh outlook on things. Always have a thirst for knowledge, but you have to also give something back and pass it forward. Base opinions and decisions on facts; not conjecture and misguided bigotry.
You're ready for something more serious and real. She's making her way to you as destiny will have it. Learn to be patient, kind, and compassionate. Show respect for women, and avoid being manipulated by beauty; and seduced by artificially-enhanced sensuality. Yes, they too only want you for what's between your legs, and will dump you for the next one. It's a man's world in theory, but not so much in reality. There may be many before the special-one who beats-out all others. Even she could be temporary. It isn't failure if it doesn't last, it may be fate. There could be someone else destined to enrich your life; or needs you in hers.
Drop what was the past, but maintain what you've learned. Use your instincts and strengths wisely. Develop good judgment, exercise your wisdom, expose your passions; but be open-minded to learn and understand those things you've held unjustified prejudices against. Become a real man. The boy has now grown-up.
Good luck, young man!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 March 2017):
 Take time out from sex. Try a new hobby that gets you out to places that are conducive to meeting women who don't just want a hook up (not clubs/bars).
Join a dating website and look for relationship material women. Relax about it; you've never looked for a girlfriend before, so you're new to it.
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