A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello there, This is a long story but I'm gonna try and make it as short as possible. My husband and I have been married for 10 years now and we've had our ups and downs, but we've always managed to get through them. We moved to a new country 8 months ago and things have been a bit rocky for some reason. My husband began picking on me all the time and embarrassing me in front of others. I don't think he did it on purpose, he was just so used to it that he didn't realize he was doing it. He also kept comparing me to all the pretty girls here who use loads of makeup and look like supermodels. I don't look that great, but I do take good care of myself. Somehow, it was like we weren't on the same team. He also stopped helping around the house completely and I was responsible for all the housework, while working and studying at the same time. If I didn't do something right, he would fuss about it sooo much. I would even cook all his meals for him every single day to take to work even though I don't eat what I cook for him because I make my own meals (I tend to eat healthier).We almost separated a couple of times, but we somehow pulled through. But then, we recently had a huge argument because I tried to ask him not to pick on me and he got upset. He began complaining about everything in his life. That was the first time that I did not shout back at him or cry or make a fuss. I was too shocked for all that. And I was also hurt because I didn't expect that reaction from him. I started sleeping on the couch and continued doing so for almost a month and every time we tried to talk about stuff, we just ended up arguing again and again. Things got worse and he was gonna move out. However, there was an issue with the place he had got for rent. The landlord returned his money saying they preferred to give the room to a female instead. The next day we had the biggest fight ever and he said many mean things to me. I honestly did not shout at him, I was simply trying to explain my side of things, hoping that we could talk it out and then find a solution. In the end, he said he can't do this anymore, and that I've used him and he asked me to get out. I tossed some of my things into a little bag and left the house. It was raining, I think. I was so hurt, so fed up, and felt dead inside. I decided that this was it and I began planning my life on my own. I realized that it wouldn't be easy but I made up my mind. After a few minutes, he messaged me saying if the last 10 years meant anything to you, please come home, I have something to tell you. So I came back home and he came out of the room and sat on his haunches in front of me and hugged me around my knees. He said he doesn't want to fight anymore and that this will never happen again. We had an awkward discussion and he was almost crying. And since that day, we tried to work on it. It's been about 2 weeks now and he's being sooo nice to the point where I feel weird. He's trying to help me around the house too. I appreciate that he's trying, I really do. But for some reason, I just don't feel the same way that I used to and he knows it. He can feel that. We even had sex a couple of times but I didn't enjoy it and now I'm doing my best to avoid it. I treat him well too, I do my best to make him happy like before. But I don't feel the same way. I sometimes wish that I live alone and I sometimes wish that I'm not married. 2 days ago, he asked me to make a decision and tell him. Yesterday I told him that I don't know what to do because I feel like things are always gonna be awkward like this (we both agreed that we feel uncomfortable). Finally he said 'If you can't make a decision on whether you want to be with me or not', that pretty much explains it, Then he was really upset and he asked me not to tell him that I love him from now on because he doesn't like it anymore, I think he thinks that it's fake. Since yesterday, I don't know what to do. He's still being nice, I feel like he's still so in love with me and wants to be with me but I'm the one who's trying to 'chase' him out (that's what he called it previously), I feel guilty for not loving him the same way, I know I should man up and tell him the truth but I just feel so horrible to look him in the eye and do that, when he says he still loves me. Because of his belittling and demeaning, I have lost confidence in myself and I always feel like I'm not good enough, I'm working on that now and trying to learn who I am and love myself. I feel like I'm the bad person for falling out of love with him. Let me just clarify: I do still love him in a way and care for him so much, If anything happened to him, I would never get over it. But I used to have dreams of us settling here and getting our own house and vehicle and having kids someday and now I no longer have those dreams. I don't see a future with him like I used to. I feel very depressed and bad for hurting him and I'm hurting too. He even told me that he had never loved anybody in his life like he loves me and that if we separate, he will suffer. Then he asks me to think about myself and take a decision. I'm so lost, I feel like I will ruin his life and I just don't know how to bring myself to tell him the truth. I can't even imagine the words for that. I know no one can actually tell me what to do without knowing the story from beginning to end and that it's between me and him. But please if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much.
View related questions:
confidence, depressed, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2022): There seems to be a problem in communication between the two of you. There's this thing about so-called "playful teasing" that can be hurtful; and people don't seem to realize the magnitude and impact of the things said or done they presume (or pretend) to be "humorous." The more often it happens, the more damage it does. You shouldn't aim at someone's appearance, how they talk, or their intelligence as a target of making fun or ridicule. If it happens over and over, you'll start to realize it is a form of criticism; and a passive-aggressive means of belittling you. Narcissists do this to weaken your ability to defend yourself; giving themselves more power over your feelings and emotions. Making you more pliable and easier to manipulate. It also gives them a feeling of superiority. Over time, they will crush you emotionally and psychologically.
You confronted your husband about the remarks and veiled-insults; and he either dismissed your complaints, or gaslighted you into thinking they're no big deal. First of all, if you say mean and hurtful things to people you claim to love; but you don't seem to realize they are hurtful, there is something seriously wrong with you. Especially, when you are TOLD time and time again how hurtful they are. You'll start to wear at their self-esteem, you'll constantly hurt their feelings; and the end result is they'll love you less and less...even begin to hate and resent you! Yet they'll still feel a fondness and affection, which is slowly beginning to deteriorate. Love needs nurturing and reinforcement. Verbal-abuse, neglecting your mate's needs, and criticizing their appearance is not love. When you dismiss their complaints, and shut them out, or shut them down; you are proving that you are not loveable. You are mean-spirited, and in simple words...you stink! Comparing your spouse's looks to that of other people to their face is degradation. It is mental-cruelty. It is not humorous or playful. They want to know and feel you find them attractive.
It took an extreme action to finally get his attention; and now suddenly he thinks he loves you. You've been his punching bag and whipping-post for too long; and now he has sucked all the affection you had for him out of you. In-effect, he has beaten you down!
You seem conflicted about your feelings. Your numbness is normal. It's your built-in defense-mechanism. He has conditioned you to shutdown, clam-up, and raise your shields. Now it's difficult to bring down those shields. Every-time you're around him you expect him to hurt you; and you've been conditioned to shield and protect yourself when in his presence. You don't know when the arrows or projectiles are going to come flying at you! It's hard to forget the things he says, and you've tried talking about it; but it took leaving him to get a point across. When you repeat something about a person over and over, you mean it; you're not kidding. Laughing it off, is just a way to block any retaliatory-response; or to fend-off any corrective-action. He seemed immune to your suffering, and indifferent to your complaints.
When conflicted and confused, this is usually the only time I suggest a married-couple seek marriage-counseling. For some, it's a waste of time and money. Some health plans, or job-benefits, cover family-counseling and therapy. Sometimes people don't know how to talk to each-other; or there is always the one thick-headed/hard-hearted partner who doesn't want to listen. They can certainly dish-out criticism and hurl insults; but they can't take-it!!! They don't want to give the other half of the couple any opportunity to call them out, tell them off, or to speak their truth. They've always had the upper-hand by closing them down, or just ignoring them. In a counseling session; there is a referee present. You get to speak without interruption. You get to talk without feeling intimidated; and you get to tell him to his face who he is, what he does, and how that affects you. He used his physical-strength and masculinity as a wall; and demeaned your femininity, making you feel weak and helpless. You are his mate, you are one in the flesh, you are a married-couple. Divorce may be eminent, but I suggest you do the counseling together; so your decision is made based on the fact there are irreconcilable-differences, and you simply believe there is no turning back.
If you really don't love him anymore, and you're sure of it, skip the counseling.
In the meantime, see a divorce attorney. Make sure you know your rights; and get all your legal ducks in a row. People can't change overnight. Marriages can still survive some pretty testy situations; but it takes the determined efforts of two. One doing all the work is not enough. Abuse is not funny, making fun of how someone looks, or persistently cutting them down is cruelty. Unless he understands that, how can he love you? He'll use all sorts of excuses, like his childhood...yada-yada-yada! He isn't a child anymore. You are not the source of, or reason for, all his sufferings. If you are, then he just gave you more reason to ditch him!!! No excuses are acceptable!!!
If you practice a faith and worship; I also suggest you pray on it, and seek some counseling from your minister of faith. God is a healer, and should be a part of your marriage; if you want to make it work. Even if you choose to divorce, make God a part of your journey back to healing. If you are an unbeliever, no sweat. I'll pray for you anyway. You can ignore this part.
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (9 June 2022):
 Its sounds like after the big argument that you had things just have not been the same, despite you both trying. It does not matter how hard to you try to repair things if you don't have the feelings there anymore its almost pointless continuing on.
You can't say that you haven't tried, you have bent over backwards to try to please him, but if you don't feel the same way you end up trying to convince someone with smiles and I love you's, which can come across as very transparent.
You could try some marriage counseling, but even doing this a few sessions are not going to miraculously bring your feelings back for him.
I don't think it's fair to continue as you because you are afraid of hurting his feelings, if you continue as you are i think further down the line things will deteriorate and resentment will set in on your part, which over time will affect your health and well being.
I think you need to step up and have this conversation with him and tell him how you feel and that you no longer feel that it is working. Then reach an amicable decision between you both and seek legal advice on where you stand.
I think its the right thing to do, by your own admission you say you wished you were not married, and that you lived alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2022): He *says * that he loves you, and perhaps he is even convinced he means it sincerely,(somehow I doubt it )-but his actions belie him. Actions speak louder than words- and belittling and demeaning constanly your partner is actually the opposite of love.Then again, contrariously to popolar believe, love is not enough to keep a marriage together- you may love a person but not be able,or willing,to get o g in daily life .Tbh, I can't see a huge problem here - basically he does not want you anymore and you do not want him anymore,so the healthiest and most logical thing would be to split up. I think what pulls the brakes for both of you is just habit and fear of tbe unknown. "The devil you know"etc.etc.If you leave him he will suffer ? Maybe ( although, less than you think ,I'd say.Moving out and then coming back just because the landlord changed his mind, and then throwing you out in the rain,do not sound like love declarations to me ).So what ? He will suffer a little, for a while,and you will suffer a little, for a while, and then you both will move on .
...............................
|
