A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im female/18 and my boyfriend is 19 Me and the guy i absolutely adore have been dating for the last 3 weeks. it seriously feels like we've been dating for months. Even he agrees. the only thing is, hes started to get a bit weird after the other night, when i stayed at his house like i normally do. We were in bed being intimate (not intercourse though), when he pulled away from me and told me " I think i'm falling for you" i responded with "i dont think..i KNOW im falling for you too" and we were both smiling. then he says "but im scared, ive never ever fallen for someone so quickly..." and i assured him that there was nothing to worry about, that i wasn't going anywhere.since that night however, things feel odd. Ever since i found out he was feeling the same way as me, that he was falling for me too, i've been able to openly confess to him how much he means to me, and that everyday i fall for him a little bit more. but the thing is....now whenever i text him anything cute or whatnot, he doesnt say anything cute back to me, he'll just be like "im none of those things" or "your lieing" and its really starting to hurt me when he doesn't take my feelings for him seriously. He's very insecure, but hes absolutely perfect in my eyes. and no matter how much better i try to make him feel good about himself, or reassure him that hes absolutely amazing to me, he seems to just push me away. Im a very insecure person myself, and i feel like he's out of my league. it would be nice to have reassurance and know what he thinks about me every now and then. i just feel like ever since ive told him im falling for him too, that im scaring him away when i tell him that hes amazing and stuff to me...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): You are pushing him away with your intensity so stop telling him so much. Lighten up and be fun to be around without pressuring him to feel a certain way about you. The only reassurance he needs is you having a good time when you are together..no more. Let him be the one to tell you how he feels and then you can reciprocate with a "me too" or "I feel that way too" but no more than that or he'll disappear on you.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Whoah Nelly! Slow down a smidge.
It's been 3 weeks... yes, yes, it feels like months... but in the real world its still just been 3 weeks.
The way I see it, you've been escalating and speeding up intimacy way faster than he's comfortable with. He said that he thinks he's falling for you. You then said that you KNOW you're falling for him. Smoothly played by you (seriously). But that doesn't mean that the flood gates are now open to wave after wave of mushiness. Take things slower and when he returns your mushiness or takes it a step further- then you've got the all clear that he's comfortable with where things are at.
If one partner is way mushier, over-complimentary and affectionate than the other, then that can come across as seriously clingy. He could be secretly loving the praise, but I'd guess that by not responding in a similarly affectionate way or giving short answers that he's not comfortable or he's just not quite ready to be so openly mushy.
You think he's out of your league, he may think you're out of his league- but by over-glorifying him- you're kinda asking for him to start thinking that he CAN do better.
"no matter how much better i try to make him feel good about himself, or reassure him that hes absolutely amazing to me, he seems to just push me away."
So stop doing the things that are pushing him away. Just relax, take things one step at a time and when he doesn't respond positively to something you say or do, then just back up a bit. Think about it like this... when he said that he was falling for you... you weren't acting the way you are now. He was falling for you before you started worshiping him openly... so why change how you act towards him, especially if he liked how you acted back then BETTER?? If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it.
Be the girl that he fell for.
And if that's just how you are when you're in a relationship and don't want to change then good for you, but it'd be best to either ease it on him slowly or find someone who'll love the doting.
Goodluck aye :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Sounds like me and my boyfriend! We went through this, fell in love with each other after a short month, but the issues like this didn't start until 5 months in, months after we'd already fallen in love.Stop him as soon as possible. The damage it can do to your relationship is bad. It's reversible if you catch it soon enough, but my boyfriend and I are still working on it. We had to make agreements to no longer say "lies" or "no I'm not." It's hard, but it helps.I was the one to start these comments, though. So I'll go by what your boyfriend's mindset might be. When I started to tell him he was lying about his compliments to me or telling him that they weren't true, I felt as if our relationship and he was too perfect and there was no way he could really feel that way about me. He's an amazing guy and has done nothing to wrong me. And this just makes me feel like I can't be good enough for him. I often wonder why he's with me because I see him as this perfect man and I'm nowhere near that. He has his flaws of course, but they don't affect our relationship often as mine do.Maybe your boyfriend just feels the same way. Maybe he feels like you're just so good that the things you're saying can't really be true. Don't ask him questions, forcing him to give you reassurance (I made this mistake). Just keep reassuring him and tell him that you're not lying and you don't appreciate being told that you are. I hope things work out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Then don't tell him- SHOW him. Show him by your actions and behaviour.
As an insecure person yourself, you should know that often insecure people are taken aback /unsettled by positive verbal feedback, since they play constantly this mental tape to themselves that they are not worthy etc., they will doubt and question any compliment. And if you double the efforts and lay it on really thick... they may become actually paranoid, and start suspecting ulterior motives.
As for you,you want to be reassured, but , if you are seriously insecure, no words will be enough and in a way they'll make it worse. Like, if on Monday he says " you are beautiful and I am crazy about you " - and he says the same on Tuesday- then he does NOT on Wednesday... you'll be freaking out... " he did not say anything today , maybe he does not love me anymore ".
Relax. You are not his life coach and it's not your job to psych him up. And viceversa.
Be spontaneous and natural, take it as it comes, and don't keep a tally of how many I love yous are being told by whom. There's no need to verbalize every single emotion or feeling every minute, in fact it gets sort of in the way of real connection. The only language that counts is that of actions.
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