A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really don’t know what to do anymore and I’d really appreciate any advice I can get. I’m 26 years old and have never been in a romantic relationship or had a serious girlfriend. I’m really beginning to wonder if there will ever be a woman interested in being with me. Here’s a little bit about me. I’m a student working on a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice and forensic science. College is a little different experience for me because I spent four years on active duty in the military so I’m a bit older than your average student. I’m really enjoying my classes though and am glad that I decided to go back to school. A local police department has also expressed interest in hiring me this upcoming spring. I even got involved with the fraternity on campus and made a lot of great friends both male and female. I’m 5’9” and 145 lbs. I’ve even been told that I’m a good looking guy. Ask any of my friends and they’d say that I’m a pretty easygoing and genuine type of guy with a sense of humor. I enjoy the outdoors and like being active and staying fit.Am I missing something here? I thought these were desirable qualities. So why do I get zero interest from women other than wanting to just be friends? I understand that relationships are based on friendship, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.All of my friends that are my age are married and are looking at starting families of their own. I’ve even asked them if they may know any single women. Apparently once you get married you magically cease to know single people. The best I could get was a friend’s wife who introduced me to one of her friends that lives out of state. I don’t really get what the point of that was.I’ve even tried my hand at online dating. I’ve had profiles on match.com, eHarmony, plenty of fish, and okcupid. I’ve sent many messages to people who seemed interesting and not once have I gotten a response. The only women who have messaged me have been very overweight. Now before anyone jumps on me I want to say that I’m not one to judge someone based on their weight. That’s just not what I’m attracted to. I like to be active in my life and stay fit, so that’s what I look for in a partner.Other than that I just don’t know anymore. I’m starting to lose hope that there really is someone out there that would be interested in me. Any thoughts?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): You've gotten a lot of varied advice here OP, simply your choice is to primp and preen and prance around like a peacock hoping the ladies will eventually start approaching you if you change enough of yourself to suit some false ideal of manliness or you can be the hunter who gets the girl, shows his desire to her and sweeps her off her feet.
As to Janniepeg's comment about emasculation she's right about that. I've never dated a girl who wanted to date a meek man who doesn't know how to get what he wants or who stands around waiting for women to make the moves, whoever told guys that's how it works or should work obviously isn't a man. Unless you look like Brad Pitt or are visibly rich that doesn't happen.
Worry all you want about having a tan and how you invest in dates and irrelevant crap like that or go out, approach a girl you like and see if she's interested in you by asking her out.
I got more women as a pale skinned, short, fat, broke and bald man than most of the tanned, rich anodises out there. How? Supreme, unshakable confidence and self belief and a persistent unswerving desire to have the women I have just approached. Nothing beats having the balls to just walk up to a woman in any situation, smile and say "hi". I don't want to be her friend so I don't accept friendship, I don't have time for indecisive or women who play hard to get because there's always other women.
So it's easy, take life by the balls and get what you want, or sit there hoping and waiting for Sleepless in Seattle moment to happen.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): It is mind boggling, why do some people, who are a great catch, get zero interest from the opposite sex? I just don't get it. And then you see people who are very unattractive, don't have a personality, no sense of humor, no money, bad temper, low social status, you name it, finding partners with ease. How does that happen? It doesn't make any sense!
I'm in a similar situation, only I'm female. Pretty good looking, cute, educated, and guys don't even look at me. Like I am completely invisible.
Have you tried speed dating? I would consider trying it once, just to see if anybody would be interested or I would get proof that I am absolutely not desirable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): i can't offer you any more advice that what has already been said except just tell you to hang in there. My boyfriend (before we got together) felt the same. we were friends before hand and it took him over a year to say how he felt, he always jokes that he doesnt know how he got me as he always assumed i would go after the "bad guys". its typical nature for a woman, god knows why i went out with a few, didnt trust them enough with my love but my bf was always there as a friend, he is a nice loving guy who many women see as their friend however the trouble is, if you are like him which you sound like you are then you are the kind of guy a woman knows she will fall for and sometimes we are not wanting that so we stay away. however ijust want to say there is light at the end of the tunnel, please dont dispair, the right girl is there, she may already be in your life but not realise it yet howevr when you do find them it is the best feeling and you just know.your kind nature will shine through and any girl will be lucky to have you.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (29 June 2012):
 You sound like a very serious guy to me being that you are military. Girls love a little mystery & not trying to be perfect. We like someone that is fun and has a great sense of humor!! I met a guy that reminds me of you that was very nice, dependable, and good looking. That just wasn't enough! He was lacking the "interesting factor."
I did the online thing and met the absolute love of my life that I have been with for over a year now! Neither of us had time to search and go to the bar night after night... or anywhere else actually... Don't give up on that just yet! Yeah, It takes going through a lot weeds to finally meet your flower but keep trying ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): You're the man, you do the work. We don't get women by dressing up pretty and waiting OP, we have to do the approaching, the chatting up and the seducing.
If you want romance OP then don't befriend women. Woo them.
It's not rocket science, you just show desire from the start by asking out on dates, flirting and showing a bit of intimacy.
If you're only becoming friends with girls then you're either waiting too long to make your move, are too passive or just not going in for the kill.
Give up on online dating, that's only full of rejects and idiots.
I don't see how you don't get this, you were in the military, surely they thought you the way to get things done is to take the initiative and take the right tools, take the right course of action to get things done.
How is that you find approaching a girl you find attractive, anywhere you see one and starting a conversation and asking for her number before you part ways, hard?
How is that hard for you?
That's all it is, you talk, ask out, they say yes you go on date, have fun, flirt a little, perhaps give a peck on the cheek at the end and ask for another date. They say no at any stage forget them and move on to the next one.
if you want romance only let it be about romance from the start. Don't befriend a girl you want to date or bone, romance them.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 June 2012):
 Nice original post. I like the title a lot. My first thought was that you are the typical nice guy, who finish's last. I thought that what you would be missing was that sense of excitement / danger / mystery that most women crave. After reading the whole post I'm thinking that your military and law enforcement background should have given you those qualities. Think about how you present yourself. are you leaving any mysteries out there or are you saying I've already got it all figured out. Also your lack of experience in romance is hurting your image. Girls love to compete. They may see no challenge in you. Learn to hold back some.
As to the larger girls who are interested from a distance; it takes no commitment to be interested from a distance. It is not a real indicator or your attractiveness to them. Though it may prove instructive to ask them what it was that motivated them to contact you. One thing that is true, is that you should never confuse physical form for the capacity for passion. Having said that if you aren't interested it would be unfair of you to lead them on.
Now, for some practical tips. Check our the website, the art of manliness, good reading.
How is you tan? Does it say I live in a classroom, or does it say I love to be active?
Do you smile and make eye contact with most of the girls, or only with ones who you already know?
Do you invest in a date, or do you just hang out?
Are you always in uniform, or do you let your hair down? not too sure about this one there are a lot of girls out there who like uniforms.
In the eastern US 25 is young. In the west it is edging on old. A change of location may help. consider that when you look for employment after your school.
At 5'9" and 145, the army loves you, but your shoulders probably need some work. Just a guess.
FA
btw, I still can't believe Jannie used the word "emasculated" very telling.
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A
female
reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Hi Anonymous,
In the grand scheme of things, you've got it all going for you...you only need one thing: patience ;-) You sound like a go-getter so patience may not be one of your virtues, but it may help you.
So you're good looking, easy going, genuine and have a sense of humor. Those ARE desirable qualities, and the only reason you've been getting "friends" only from women is that you just have not met The One yet!
If you will permit, I'd like to share a song by Michael Buble from his Crazy Love CD, a song called "Haven't met you yet". Listen to it, and have HOPE. I'll quote the paragraph I'm specifically referring to:
“I might have to wait
I’ll never give up
I guess it’s half time on the other half’s luck
Wherever you are
Whenever it’s right
You will come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is going to change me
And now I can see every possibility
Somehow I know that it will all turn out
You will make it work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I get so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet…”
When you say you're 26 years old and have never been in a romantic relationship or had a serious girlfriend, you make it sound like you are 60 :) You have time, it's only because your friends are all married that you feel you've missed the bus, but you haven't. People meet and fall in love every day, across the globe, at ALL ages, from 20 something all the way to older age ;-)
The right girl is going to appreciate you as you are. You have done some amazing things!
First you're a hero for serving your country!
Then you've gone to study further and it's not just anything, it's "criminal justice and forensic science". That is super interesting and I'm sure many Police, CSI, Law & Order, Medical Detectives, & other similar show fans are going to want to know more. [My boyfriend and I are big fans, and I'm sure you will find other girls who are too]
You've already got job prospects in your field of study, this upcoming spring, and that is awesome too! You're ahead of the curve even though you may not feel like it.
The fact you've been able to make lots of great friends on campus is also a blessing. Many don't experience that, so appreciate it and cultivate those friendships.
Are you missing anything? Perhaps girls that are interested in you think you're so amazing that you must already be taken? Perhaps they are shy around you, if you're so good looking? Perhaps girls that are great are being overlooked by you, due to a specific type you might be seeking only? You might have to open the net a bit wider?
One of the keys to being a bit happier, is to not compare yourself with your friends. Sure, they may be married, but are they really happy? You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Do they secretly wish they were you, still single and not accountable to anyone? No responsibility except paying the rent? There are advantages and disadvantages in every stage of life, so while you're single, enjoy it to the maximum. When you are married, you can then enjoy everything that comes with that too, when you get there. Be a happy single. Nobody else can fulfill you, or make you happy. You have to be a content, fulfilled individual, to then SHARE that with someone, rather than expect them to complete you.
The married friend who introduced you to an out of state friend, you mentioned not knowing the point of that. Well, because the same as you may meet someone online in another country who is the perfect fit, you never know if the out of state girl could have been perfect for you. Even if not, and even if there is distance, it's a girl who you can add to your list of experiences in determining what makes women tick, what do they think about, what are they passionate about, what excites them, what are THEY looking for in a guy, etc. Use it all as opportunities to grow and learn, none of it is wasted because eventually it will all come together.
It's fine that you don't want to date anyone who is overweight, but remember, it may be a temporary situation. Anyone can lose or put on weight. Imagine you injured a leg and could not work out for months, and while going for physio you met a girl who you think is awesome, and you find out she does not date overweight guys - yet you are only overweight because you haven't been working out, and as soon as your leg comes right you will be back to fighting fit and active in no time! She doesn't know that ;-) OR, what about someone who put on weight while helping a family member through an illness and death, and that person is magic, a heart of gold, attractice and beautiful but they put on weight to comfort themselves during that hard time. They will come out of their grief and be beautiful again, and lose the weight, yet you lost out on the opportunity because you only want a perfect person. Just a suggestion to perhaps not be too specific. For the record, I'm in perfect shape and also very active, however, when looking for The One, I didn't put any stipulation except he must be honest. That's all. Not whether he is fit, active, hair colour, shape, height, not anything except, be real. I got that and everything else I could ever want. Whether he is active or not, I would rather have the perfect mate and exercise as and when I want, than to have a partner that exercises with me because they too are fit, but the relationship sucks. So sometimes you can't have everything - just another thought ;-)
Don't lose hope! You're doing everything right, just keep at it. Don't become desperate and just force it. Instead, focus on YOU and your LIFE, and when you least expect it, it WILL happen.
So create your own bucket list - what do you want to do with your life between 26 and the day you die? Do you want to travel? Do you want to see specific countries / monuments / historic sites / animals / meet a celebrity / etc. Make a list of all those things. Every year, go through it and see what can you make happen on the list? Also create goals for all spheres of your life: your studies - what subjects you want to complete, what symbols/marks you want for them, etc. Your work - what you would like to achieve at the local police department? Your health - what your blood pressure, cholesterol and other markers are, and anything you want to improve, like your pulse rate (even fitter) I've got a friend who every year wants to bring hers down. Your sports - what further distance you want to go, or quicker time you want to achieve in a race, or anything else you want to add. Your finances. Your spirituality. Everything that makes up a person, have short, medium and long terms goals you can work towards.
Then your hobbies and interests. Make more friends, go out, get involved in projects, do things that are meaningful to you. You will meet like-minded people, and one day when you're so busy enjoying the things you love, you will meet her.
Don't put anything in your life on hold until you meet the one. Instead, do everything you ever wanted, live life fully, with gusto, and when it's meant to be, it will.
In the meantime, continue checking out friends, and online girls, and who knows where you will meet ;-) that is the mystery of life, but be happy and enjoy everything about life while you actively pursue it all.
Wishing you the love you seek, and much happiness!
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Erm have you tried making a move on a woman ever? Like asking a girl you like out, or going in for a kiss and taking it from there. You have to flirt and be seductive. If you are just being friendly, a good career man and all round good guy, sure girls will see you're a good man and good husband material, sure, but that is not what attracts someone to a partner. What attracts someone is that sparky je ne sais quoi. You have to believe you are sexy and a good catch/lay and then you will exude sexyness. You also have to try it on with women. Be ok with rejection, it will happen, but the right girl for you won't reject you. You must keep trying until you find someone who's good for you and who feels the same.
And you're 26, not 40. Chill already Winston :) Have a little fun. Get out there and flirt with women, ask them on dates, heck roll in the hay a few times if you ain't against it. Sounds like you are on mission "must find future wife by next year or my life plan will be behind!" That will come across and be a turn off, trust me. People do pick up other people's intentions. If I saw a guy was desperatly seeking wife, unless I was in exactly the same position I would be really put off, on an unconscious level. You're looking at this logically. Attraction isn't logical, it's animal instinct. It's all in the eye contact.
Be happy with your life and yourself. Stop thinking about finding a partner. Believe that you are an amazing person, sexy and a good catch. You don't need to explain or prove it, you just exude it. If a woman doesn't see it, her loss. Feel quietly confident that you are very attractive and go looking for girls to seduce. It's an attitude and also being brave. It's scary to get out there and take the change of being hurt and rejection. But nothing is gained if nothing is ventured. Sorry if that sounded harsh. Perharps a book on flirting would help. But remember, switch of the logical brain and use your sexuality. Everyone has it. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): Janniepeg has made some good points, maybe the girls are not showing interest in you because they don't sense you're interested in them?
I'm not sure about the part of expressing desire, that is you have to pay attention at the way you show desire so you won't come off as a creep. Of course you MUST show interest BUT some women are also keen in finding somebody who show interest in their personalities, and not just find them attractive.
Am I missing something here? I thought these were desirable qualities. So why do I get zero interest from women other than wanting to just be friends?
those are desirable qualities, but maybe women don't show interest in you because you don't show interest in them first they need encouragement, of course no need to be like some guys who ask every girl they know out, just to improve their odds of getting a date and maybe more, but if you find yourself attracted to a woman, show her with that you're into her. Isn't there any single women at college( even among your friends) you could ask out for some coffee? or maybe ask them to fix you up with somebody else (I'm pretty sure people at college are not all married, thus they know a lot of single people)
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 It's not fair for you that all your friends are married. Look around, many 26 year olds are still single but for you, I see that you are a very focused person. You do one thing at a time. In the military it's hard to find a girl who would patiently wait for you. So minus that 4 years makes you a 22 year old. It is not so uncommon for a 22 year old to have zero experience in romance.
The qualities above are good for when you are a husband and father already. Initially a woman is attracted to a man who is beyond just a husband a father. What sparks a woman's interest is the sexual part of her brain, the part that drives her wild with passion. Signals are given out subliminally when you flirt. Look here, the day to day of marriage is very boring and monotonous. What keeps the magic alive is passion. If you want to know what woman considers passion read some romance novels. First time you meet a woman she has to sense that you would be a great lover without talking about sex, without her telling you what to do. She has to know that you would take charge, knock her socks off and make her feel like a woman at the same time an animal. By the way you look at her you have to be expressing desire, instead of looking for approval. As a real man you don't need approval, you want a woman to want you or they can take it or leave it. Women also want a challenge. So at the beginning of courtship being easy going works against you.
You know all these things already. It is part of being male. It is the indoctrination of society and education that emasculated you. Learn to take these things back and get back in the game.
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