A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My mother-in-law or sister-in-laws have never included me for the past 20 years of my marriage. Im just left on the outside. Yesterday my Father-in-law was taken to hospital at 4am and she only rang my husband on his mobile at 8.20 on his way driving to work. She could have rang the house phone as i was (and she knew) at home. My husband rang me to tell me and tell me to ring her at about 10am for more news. She already told my husband he was ok and just a mild chest infection. She was very quick with me on the phone and finishing the 2min conversation after 1min before i could even ask how father-in law was doing! If i done anything for her she hardly (or doesn't) recognize it. I was in hospital last year for major surgery myself and it was hardly recognized. I was 3wks home before she came to visit! My kids are grown up teenagers now but she has only ever looked after them a handful of times. I rarely asked her unless i had no other choice and she would make a lame excuse and refuse. She looked after her daughters kids almost all the time, when they were at work and socializing. I just feel a bit depressed and low self esteem. I move here when i married so have lost contact with friends. I haven't really made friends here because i stayed home looking after the kids and my husband worked long hours. I just feel like walking away sometimes. I don't think they'll change. My husband is supportive of me but we have never really had a chance to get back and have a little bit of life for ourselves. I'm coping with a health issue at the moment that i don't want them to know about. I figure ill get no support anyway. When they have a health problem we support them. I'm just depressed.
View related questions:
at work, depressed, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (7 March 2012):
Tisha-1 has great advice that I can't really add to. I would say though that the wife - mother in law relationship is never a bed of roses. My wife would much prefer a mil like yours! My mother was a bit interferring and caused stress in many ways. It is hard for the husband - even though its clear his wife is his priority there is not much a man can do to change his mother!! Don't waste energy on your in laws. Instead focus on yourself and husband. By all means do a bit for a more healthy body - food and fitness. Get your husband to join in - get away on your own and do stuff - dancing, walking, rediscover the fun you can have. I hope your health issues sort themselves out- stress and depression are really tough to deal with but can be overcome once you put your mind to it. All the best.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Sorry to hear of your situation; it doesn't sound like a good place for you to be in. I used to be depressed, I went to the doctor and took steps to deal with it. Good news is that it can be treated and there's no reason for you not to start your plan today!
Let's look at what you have going on here, you have the family situation and then your life situation and the internal feelings.
Starting with the family situation, what you have is a set of in-laws who aren't inclusive of you in their lives. That is very sad but alas, after 20 years, you can see they are never going to change. The only thing you can change about that is your actions. You use the phrase that you feel you are left 'on the outside.' So if you want to feel 'inside' a family/friend circle, you will have to create your own. You do not need to invite your in-laws to be a part of this circle, in fact, I'd say you should build up a circle of friends who like you for you and who want to spend time with you. This will require some effort on your part, you will need to get out and meet people and join clubs or volunteer and start to plan events or outings or even just meet up with people for coffee or tea or a walk.
If you do this and create your own social network, the coldness of your in-laws won't matter as much. You'll be filling your own need to belong, you see. You have the power within you to do this.
This brings us into your life situation, you say you've stayed home for 20 years and done little socializing? It sounds like you were expecting people to automatically include you in things? Alas, that's not really how it works, in order to meet people and go do things, you have to initiate. I know, it's exhausting to have to reach out to people after you've been busy all day but it's the only way. You need to make YOURSELF the priority here, put your social needs ahead of other things if you are so low and depressed, okay? I would highly recommend a yoga class in a good studio, it teaches compassionate self-awareness and gives a serenity and centeredness that can really enhance your life. It's a good way to meet wonderful women, too, I can attest to that.
So what you see is that I am suggesting you change your attitude, your actions and this will have a huge impact on your internal feelings of isolation and depression. You have taken a first very important step of acknowledging you feel this way. Congratulations! Now the thing I want to convey to you is that you have the tools to deal with this within yourself. You just need to make a simple plan to tackle one thing at a time and get out and about.
I would suggest you take a good look at what you eat and drink; I think a lot of our unhealthiness and feelings of worthlessness come from not eating good nutritious food. You don't have to make any changes now, just start paying attention to what it is you are feeding yourself. Maybe start a log of what you eat and how you feel. Oh and take a 20-30 minute walk every day, rain or shine. If you need rain boots, get 'em. Bundle up if it's cold, hats and gloves are a must for me. If you have a girlfriend who can walk with you, set up a schedule, so that you know you have to show up! The buddy system keeps you going when you may just want to stay in bed and give up on the day!
I have been reading some interesting books, you can see what they are on my profile. They have altered the way I think about things and indeed have provided a great deal of inner peace and serenity.
You can do these things, just start today with a simple planning session. One thing at a time. Build on it and day by day, you'll look back on this time in a year and be surprised at how low you felt. You'll look back and think, yes, I was there but now I'm in a much better place, mentally and physically and life holds promise. Baby steps.
Of course, the things I'm suggesting for you to do may not be entirely practical. If you are physically unable to walk, then you'll need to talk to your doctor about what you can do to increase your physical fitness level, and she or he can also give you guidance on nutrition as well. One of my relatives can only do chair yoga, but she's doing it!
If you walk away, where will you go and why would that be better for you? As the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are. You can move away and still feel lonely and depressed there too. I think you can build your own life and your own social circle without any need to include the cold in-laws. Lots of people do.
I have a couple of websites for you to explore and maybe you'll get some inspiration or support from them.
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome (this one is a free site for people with depression or anxiety)
http://www.actionforhappiness.org/ (great resources and ideas for living a happier life!)
I hope this helps a bit and that you take the steps to heal your own life!
...............................
|
