A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 and a half years.We always planned to move in together this year but things just never seemed to favour that plan, so as it is we see each other once or twice a week. The first year was pretty good, but from there things have been rocky pretty much the whole time. There is always some rumour about one of us upsetting the other, or some incident that someone is angry about, or something that one person does that the other person doesn't like. He gets mad at me because I am very "territorial", and says it means I do not trust him, which I should after all this time. I get mad at him because all he wants to do is go out and party, as if he thinks he's single. The only thing in our relationship that is still operational is our sex life. We still do it several times every time we are together.Anyway, I have been sick of this fighting for a long time now, but every time I try to end it [or he tries to end it], we just end up getting back together again. He has made it clear that he isn't going to change, and that if I don't trust him now, that we should just end it. I still love him and he still loves me, but I just can't take it anymore! Does the fact that we still miss each other and love each other, and are very much attracted to each other, mean that we have a future? Or does the CONSTANT fighting and disagreements mean we don't?My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 16, and we are now 19.Things in our relationship are not going well, although we still love each other, and I have tried several times to get out [as has he]. I don't think either of us are happy, but every time we try to leave each other we end up back together right away, because we miss each other or we realise that we don't want to see the other person with somebody else. It's very hard for us to not bump into each other as we both live in a small town, and share all our friends in common because of high school -- so everytime there is a gathering of friends, he will be there. Moving away is not an option, but every time we bump into each other, we end up making love and getting back together -- until we try to get away from each other next time.It is so hard to get over someone when you literally do not have the strength to stay away from them, and even if you do, will bump into them frequently. I have tried everything to get away, but I just don't have the willpower to leave him. I still love him, but the relationship is just making me unhappy, and it needs to end!
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (6 February 2011):
Generally having a rebound guy is a bad idea. Especially since as you both hit it off and get along, you might want it to be more than a rebound and develop into a real relationship. In that case, it's best to give it some time for you to be alone and grieve/get over your ex.
Having a rebound generally postpones the grieving process. Because you're so excited about the new relationship, you don't have the chance to get over the old relationship. Then, later in the new relationship, after the beginning excitement fades, all that undealt with history will come back and confuse you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, they are very helpful. (:
I think that I could learn to fix the problems on my side of the relationship, but I don't think he is willing to fix his. And also, I'm just tired of him leaving me routinely every few months because he freaks out about commitment and all the stuff we argue about, so I have decided that I will not go back to him this time. The hardest part will be if he turns up on my doorstep with chocolates and asks for me back, which he usually does.
I like how you refer to it as the "detox" phase. I'll remember to use that! (:
After we broke up a few days ago I started talking to a male acquaintance, and realized that me and him have a lot in common, we hit off it straight away. Sorry to post a question within a question, but is having a rebound guy a good or a bad idea?
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A
male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 I know what you mean, it's a difficult situation you're in.
Despite your differences, you have to decide if it's worth staying in a relationship. Do you see either of you improving or working through your problems? Do you see much of a future together on the horizon?
If not, and you both seem to want to get out, then the best thing to do is sit your boyfriend down and talk about it, about all the problems you have with each other, and then once you've broken up, have minimal contact with him for at least 2-4 weeks. Although I know this is hard if you're in a small town.
If you break up with someone yet still have regular contact, it can become really confusing, and you can't properly heal or recover from the breakup, so it's easier to fall back into old habbits and make up again.
But if you're serious about going you're own separate ways, break off contact with him and find something else to distract you for a while so you won't be tempted to give him a call or message him.
Of course it's all easier said and done though. I wish you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (4 February 2011):
If you don't have the strength to stay away from them, enlist the help of your friends. For at least a month, don't go to gatherings or out with friends where you will bump into him. If you want to hang out with your friends, make sure it's someone's house and that he isn't invited.
Later on, when you do all go out as a group, designate a friend that won't let you be alone with him, won't let you go home with him.
Start no contact: no text, no phone calls, no msn, no nothing. Except for possibly saying hi when everyone is there, because otherwise that's just kind of rude and awkward. But no conversations. During what I'll call the "detox" phase, contact makes it too easy to slip back into sleeping with each other, and dating.
You need to avoid seeing him as much as possible, and avoid being along with him, so that you can get used to being alone. Going from being with someone to being alone is a huge difference, and so many people fall back into relationships that are toxic simply to avoid that. Give it time, give yourself time to sleep alone, watch movies alone, etc etc. Get used to the feeling, figure out that it's okay and will be okay, and then maybe when you see him, the pull won't be as strong.
Ideally one of you would move, because being in a small town where you can't avoid your ex is sort of torture. So much easier to move on when you don't have to run into them. But as you can't, this is the best advice I can give at the moment.
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