A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:PleAse help. Hi there I'm having a huge problem in my relationship. My girlfriend of 8 mionths just doesnt seem to want to show me affection. She begrudgingly let's me hug her have sex with her and will let me kiss her if she's feeling generous but will never or very rarely initiate. Maybe once in every few weeks be the one to show affection to me. I've tried talkin about it asking if she sees physical affection as something important in a relationship but she says she's just not a touchy feely person and that I need to come to terms with that. I'm finding it very difficult to believe that she loves me although she says she does and find myself lacking trust in the relationship and her. She tells me she shows affection in different ways like washing and folding my clothes!! Everything is on her terms. If I ask for anything from her she will outright refuse as a matter of course as she sees it as weak or something to respond positively. It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to handle it. I know some women are less affectionate than others And I can accept that but this is feels like cruelty- like a purposeful denial of something that she knows would make me happy just for the sake of it. I mean how much effort does it reLly take to kiss someone on the cheek or hug them and this is with someone she is supposed to love and want kids with! It's not like I'm asking for sex constantly just a show of affection. Please help!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Chalice i understand where you're coming from and i think you're right i probably should seek councelling. I guess before i entered into this particular relationship i didnt realise i needed affection so much. Its something ive taken for granted and hasnt been lacking in my previous relationships. im trying to figure out how much of an issue it is and if theres any way we can somehow compromise and work this thing out. My thinking has always been to give things a fair go before bailing out on a relationship - there are many things about her that i love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): When a child is denied affection, they are also denied, safety, reassurance, acceptance and with this, they can become numb unable to bond and develop healthy relationships. So that is the WHY you are seeking.
She was taught to be emotionally closed off.
What I don't like about you and your GF and your relationship- its like you went out of your way to HAVE her as a GF so you can CREATE the whole- I NEED THIS, WANT THIS, and CANT HAVE IT. Was your Mom or Dad emotionally closed off? Why do you now feel if you can just 'change' the GF to be what you want and need; you'll win? You'll have everything you ever wanted in life??
WHY DO YOU want to remain in a relationship with such a woman that by all appearances is incapable of meeting your needs?
What healthy Man would do that?
Have you thought to go to counselling yourself? Thats still the BEST solution we can offer you because in the end; its the GFs choice and she made it clear many times she is NOT going to be THAT woman.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Thanks for the responses. Just to point out that public displays of affection are not the issue here. I completely get that some people can't deal with that. It's the fact that in private she finds it tough and is uncomfortable with being physically close. I think I am quite demanding in the sense of requiring and giving out quite alot of affection and she is very much into having her own space so it's a compatibility issue. She has also told me that there was a lack of physical affection in her upbringing which she suggests males her the way she is. I do understand this but am still perplexed as to why if I ask for something as simple as a kiss or a hug she denies it. It might feel unnatural to her but shouldn't she be Making some effort to fulfil that need if she loves me and wants this to work out. I know that ultimately it's up to me to decide if I can live with this but it's a very difficult decision to make. We're right for each other in so many other ways and have good times I'm just unsure wether this is a dealbreaker for me wrt a life time relationship.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (13 December 2011):
 That sounds mean. But I have to ask, as there are two sides to every story, does she NEVER kiss/hug/sleep with you? Or are you quite clingy? Because you could be, without realising it.
Maybe she feels embarrassed by PDAs. Some people are - I know couples who are just like mates with their friends but are all over each other when they're more alone! You could start with turning the affection down a bit when there are other people and save it for when you are alone.
For many guys, hugging and kissing their girlfriend always means one thing - they're horny. Maybe your girlfriend thinks that if she lets you hug or kiss her than you will always try and take it further. So you need to show her that you are perfectly willing to hug/kiss and be satisfied at that.
If there are still problems then maybe you should see a relationship counsellor. Some people aren't touchy feely, but it's a two way effort, and if she's not prepared to put her half in, then you have to ask, is she honestly worth all your trouble and time?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 I disagree with jumping to the conclusion that she's being emotionally abusive. I think I'd like to know more about this situation before just passing summary judgment on her.
I'll give a couple of possible thoughts on the matter:
1. There are some people to whom that just doesn't come naturally. She might have had an upbringing that wasn't touchy feely, which is tough for those to whom physical affection comes naturally. This is a compatibility issue that may or may not be liveable for you.
2. She might be distancing herself emotionally from you for whatever reason. If she used to be really touchy feely with you and then either slowly or suddenly stopped, it would be a definite cause to have a serious decision about the status, health, and future of the relationship.
3. It's possible that she no longer trusts you physically. If a hug always comes with a grope, or physical closeness can only or always accompany sexual advances, or a backrub only with an oral sex string attached, then she'll resist all affection because of the implied sexual intent. If there's never affection for its own sake, she'll resist all touches no matter what your intent.
4. She could very well be controlling or emotionally abusive. There are those who withhold emotional intimacy in order to use it as a "reward" system, rewarding gallons of love and favor with only a measured "teacup" of affection back. This *is* cruelty.
Bottom line, no matter what the reason, you must decide whether you want to live with it or not. You are 8 months in, which pretty much shows that if you stay with her, this is what you'll have to live with. If you're feeling like it's cruel and you can't live with it, there's no changing her.
You've already gone past the "talking" stage. You've tried to reason with her and have gotten a "live with it" from her. You've now come down to the decision that you've been avoiding.
Let me make it easy for you. She's not going to change. She will not change for you. Your abundance of affection, entreaties, or demands will not change her. If you've talked to her about the affection issue, and she hasn't brought up any trust issues with affection, then she's not interested in changing the situation.
Knowing that she isn't going to change, you either live with the lack of outward displays of affection, or you acknowledge incompatibility, end things before kids show up at the scene, and find someone with more of your outlook on affection.
My suggestion is to end it. She will never give you what you're looking for. Whether it's cruelty or simple incompatibility, you're miserable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011):
I suspect your girlfriend may have been sexually abused in some way. There are signs of it, such as saying physical affection is unimportant to her. My girlfriend was the same way. I asked her if she needed to tell me anything and she refused, but ultimately (after YEARS) she told me the truth. I would ask her and if she claims everything is fine then I would tell her you want her to go to counseling with you anyway. That is, if you really love her and are willing to go through the effort. It has only been 8 months after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): I honestly beileve your reading way to much into this situation of her not wanting to show public displays of affection or physical affection. i mean you yourself said I know some women are less affectionate than others And I can accept that if you really did then this wouldnt be an issue .i mean yes there are some people who eventully over come there reasons for holding back and open up more to the idea of showing there affection in a more physical way but it takes time . my question is how long are you willing to wait till that time ?if the answer is not that long then you should bring it to her attention that you need to work on it because its important to you and it could futher result in future issues . but let me remind you theres nothing wrong with her being shy to the idea . shes your girlfriend im sure people know shes your girlfriend she lives with you (im assuming) she washes your clothes if she acts and does everything else a girl friend should do except show affection what else do you want ? could it be that your a tad inscure and you need affection in order to feel like your really loved?all im sayin is some people have boundries and things that make them uncomfortable and you have to take that into perspective if you truly feel shes doing it to be cruel and feel like its always her way then by all means do fix it or leave her .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): She sounds like a very emotionally abusive woman that with holds affection as it was taught by a parent. Its a form of control and emotional abuse.
She only gets away with his behaviour because you enable her to do so.
If what she says is truthful and she is unable or unwilling to change and you DESIRE, WANT, and NEED affection, then the solution is- leave.
As Dr Phil says, Never invest more in a relationship than you can afford to lose (dignity, respect, love, attention, care, kindness, support, friendship).
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/323
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