A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 29, met a guy, 35 years old, online and we talked on the phone and emailed for a month then decided to meet. On the first date I did not feel any attraction to him but we had a great chat and he even drove me around the city do to my errands. After the first date I thought he is nice but not my type and no attraction. Then he called a few days later and wanted to take me to dinner, I said yes because I wanted to give him a few more chances before I make a final decision. Diner was great! Nice restaurant, paid the bill, great conversation, opens doors for me, very polite, made sure I got home safe. From then on we have been to a few more dates, all as creative and fun. We kissed, it was OK, not great. It has been a month and half since the first date and he calls regularly and we hang out a lot. I enjoy his company, we do things couples do, I met most of his friends and we fooled around but no sex. Actually I like fooling around with him but I feel like it is just sexual. He is responsible, has no debt, has a steady job, gets along with his mom/family, great morals. We have a lot in common. I like cuddling up with him and kissing, but when I am not with him and I think about him I start wondering whether I REALLY want to be with him my whole life. I am always happy to see him. Then why can't I feel butterflies for him? My last relationship was horrible, he took advantage of me, was overly jealous and possessive, lazy and left me with a bunch of debt. Let me say I wasn't that attracted or in love with him either. It's been a long time since I felt "love that shakes you to the core" and I want that!The new guy has so many qualities that I want and I know he can satisfy me sexually but I am scared that at some point the small attraction I have for him will completely fade away. I can tell he really likes me as he has already started talking kids and marriage but I don't want to hurt him with my confusion. I am always doubting and asking myself if I should get out now before things get too serious. On the other hand I know how hard it is to find someone great, single, honest and dependable, calls when he says he will.Should I end it right now? I kind of like him, or should I give it a chance? My sister says I will love him with time. I am CONFUSED.I don't think he is hot but he is not ugly either, he could look better with help in the style department. He is bald but I hope that is not the reason I am confused.
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male
reader, duce00  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 I like the butterflies! Gotta have them in my opinion.
That being said, a solid future can not be built on butterflies. Now how do you think I figured that little gem of wisdom out?
I will admit that I have never tried to be with a woman that I did not feel an instant chemistry with so my opinion can be considered cautionary tale in the opposite extreme to you. None the less, I believe you need to have the attraction and at least some of the more mundane aspects lined up to have a love that will really last.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): You sound pretty confused. You also sound confused about what love is and how you actually get there.
That butterflies in the stomach thing annoys me, I mean you need that attraction I guess, but it is really just about lust at first, those are the butterflies...later on after you enter the next stage of the relationship you start building real attachment and then it isn't just about lust it is about liking the person and bonding with them.
It seems to me that you are with a more mature man than you are used to, there isn't any of the usual game playing and drama you had before....and I think you are mistaking that for lack of something in the relationship.
I don't think I have ever been in love shaken to the core, I mean I guess I felt an intense connection at times, but those kind of feelings are intense and the danger in that is that intense feelings mask reality, you aren't seeing the person for who they really are. Feelings like this are not really based on anything other than passion, and yeah you need that sexual passion, but it sounds to me like you have that with him.
No one can tell you what to do here, but if you have a history of dating bad boys and losers, this may feel very different to you because you finally have someone worth your time. But it is up to you, sometimes moderation is the key and time and exposure will get you what you want a real and lasting love that is deeper than any shaking butterflies in your stomach. You can get those from an elevator ride.
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