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It feels like we've changed over the course of the relationship, and I'm not sure we should continue

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 November 2013) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 November 2013)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have had a mostly happy and strong relationship going over the past 3 years, however over the past few months I have become increasingly unsure that this is the right guy for me. The reason why is because I feel like we have both changed over the course of the relationship, he has shown himself to be lazy and careless (as in forgetful of things he has promised, ignorant to my needs), and has completely given up on his previously pursued career. At the same time, I have been working hard to complete my Master's degree and have a steady job in my field. I am overall much more conscientious, taking full responsibility for house chores, shopping, making and keeping plans, promises to him, etc. When I think about our future, I see him continuing on the same course and me taking up all of the slack and being the responsible one in the relationship. I know he loves me, there is no doubt, and he is faithful to me and adores me, but I'm beginning to feel like that is just not enough. I see my friends happy with real men who take care of them and have secure lives, and I am jealous. The other problem is that I have tried talking to him about these things before, and there may be a small improvement but usually he goes back to the same way shortly after. We don't argue much and when we do it's not bad, but it's more like we just don't talk about the things going wrong in our relationship because he is not receptive to talking in general. He avoids it. His way of dealing with problems is to ignore them. I have also found myself attracted to other men lately which did not happen before when we were happier. I have secretly had an attraction for one of our good friends for over a year now. I have never said or done anything about it because I don't want to hurt anyone or ruin their friendship. Recently, I cheated with someone in secret and no one else knows about it or will find out because the person does not live near us or talk to my boyfriend. It was purely physical. I felt somewhat guilty, but not really bad. I wouldn't do it again, but I just don't know why I did it except for that I am unhappy in my relationship. Do you think there is a chance to make it work or should I move on? I am really confused about it right now because also at my age I feel like I should be settling down. I don't want to go out and date and meet more people, I'm happy with the friends and life I have, but I feel like I would be settling for less than what I truly want if our relationship continues this way.

View related questions: jealous, move on

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (20 November 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOP you said " I see my friends happy with real men"

and i did not read further... there is no point.

you don't consider him a "real man" so you need to end the relationship with him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013):

Leave. You're hurting both him and yourself by staying.

He's got comfortable with you and is treating you like his mother, not his lover. It's time to move on. You're not happy and he probably isn't either, even if he does love you.

Also, if you didn't even feel bad about cheating... I don't get why you haven't left already. Be brave, move on. You'll find someone else you're much happier with... and so will he. You both deserve that opportunity and you're holding each other back.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (18 November 2013):

chigirl agony auntYou have already made up your mind about this. Wait a couple of days, then read your own post. You spell it out to yourself clearly. Your concern is that you are scared of being single. Your concern is not that you will leave him, you know he is not the one for you. You cheating just prives that your body is up to date with this, but you keep overthinking it. You make it more difficult than it is. If someone else was ready to be with you now, you would jump at the opportunity. Its the being single part that scares you... But it is only scary because youve gotten into a habit of being in a relationship.. So much a habbit you say right out loud you are not happy, yet not sure if you want to leave. You are not supposed to settle at your age. You are not supposed to settle at any age. Life is too short to do what people "expect" you to and what you are "suposed" to. It is your life, and you yourself are responsible for making you haopy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013):

It sounds to me like you've outgrown your boyfriend, for lack of a better word.

That can happen...

and it's most likely time to move on.

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A female reader, shna Ireland +, writes (18 November 2013):

shna agony auntWhen i got to the paragraph about you developing feelings for another person i thought to myself ... Great i can relate to this person and give some helpful advice... And then u cheated !

Come on girl you know your unhappy when u become attracted to somebody else alarm bells should be going off in your head !! Thats what happened to me !!

You cant cheat on people its a horrible and disrespectful way to treat sombody

It does not matter how HORRIBLE or BORING your relationship is !!

DONT CHEAT !!

Sweetie you could have easily broken up with this boy tell him you feeling had faded for him and unfortunately you dont love him anymore and you would have felt stress relief and freedom to do what you want and not guilty for going behind your partners back !!

You need to break up with this person

You obviously have no more love or energy to put into this relationship !

You need to explain this to the person, if he is not getting the picture you can always tell him you cheated on him just to make it clear to him you are serious!

Dont be afraid of being alone your coming to the conclusion that you want something fresh now and thats the first step

so find the courage and sit your partner down

He will be upset he will beg you not to leave he will promise to change to make more of an effort to show you he loves you more .. Bla blah blah and 2 weeks later your back to square one ! If u cant see yourself with this man happily for the rest of your life .. Better to get out now rather then waste time

This is going to be great for you ! You will find somebody who truly loves you and appreciates you !!

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