A
male
age
41-50,
mrvayne01
writes:I met a woman on a dating site and she informed me she was just looking for friends as she had recently ended a long marriage and wasn't looking for another relationship. After one date and a lot of texting and phone calls for a week she revealed there had been a guy after her ex-husband and she was still closely involved with him "as friends." Her defense was that she told me up front she just wanted to be friends. I say she should have made it known about the latest "ex" the first or second conversation. Isn't even a friendship based on trust? Wasn't I right assuming someone on a dating site is potentially available and unattached or was I assuming too much?
View related questions:
her ex, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (20 July 2008):
 I agree with that as well and totally with what baby duck said, great assessment. A person that does that has very blurred boundaries and no real accountability. It's easier for them to not look at their own behavior and people like this often take the path of least resistance and have trouble being alone. Not real attractive, is it?
A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (20 July 2008):
 Yes, I agree with that. I don't think everyone is capable of being so honest with themselves, though. I think many people think of it as "I am afraid to be alone" or "he needs my emotional support". ick needy ugh
I also agree that no one should knowingly get involved with someone that is like that. Sometimes, it's unavoidable ... like the co-worker that is always talking about the drama going on in their lives, sharing way more than anyone wants to hear. But, we do choose who we hang out with. Give wide berth to people that have a pattern of relationship issues. That probably means they're not taking responsibility for their mistakes so they're rigid and unadaptable.
Write this one off. Make it a point to learn something about yourself from this experience, though ... learning something about her will not help you make better choices in the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, mrvayne01 +, writes (20 July 2008):
mrvayne01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBig ups to everyone for their answers, especially you, Oldersister. I have a semi-related follow up. Does anyone agree with me that when someone is still visiting with their ex, talking with their ex, "helping" their ex out of pity or whatever, on a fairly regular basis, i.e. more than once a week, that's not really an ex but more like a "not happy with but won't let go of til something better comes along?"
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (20 July 2008):
I don't think you are naive at all or else you wouldn't have listened to your gut feelings and acted on them, I think that takes a certain level of maturity and trust in yourself. I also agree that actions speak louder than words and she was on a dating site so it's 'logical' to assume she was on there for a reason. That's where things get tricky- many people state "I'm not looking for a relationship" or "I'm just looking for friends" and then the responsibility lies on you to decipher the signals they are throwing out there. It's human nature to assume which signal (words vs actions) is accurate, and the one we select is usually self serving. Whenever there is any kind of contradiction in the above, you are usually going to have a problem whether it's a lot of wasted time on the other person or there is something they are holding back. Neither are really good. Like the last post said, don't over invest in the beginning, especially when it comes to people on dating sites or that you know very little about. Someone that is being upfront will state their goals upfront and their actions will match that. If they don't, you have every right to question them about it. Any healthy person you just meet will be cautious about what they disclose and will be selective about who they allow into their lives if they are looking to build a trusting relationship but they won't make you feel confused. I think you sensed something was 'off' and that's why you are questioning all this and questioning her which was the right thing to do. Your intuition is something that always works in your best interests, other people usually won't. Good luck next time!
...............................
A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (20 July 2008):
Yes, friendship is based on trust. However, it is also based on time.
I am not dating, so I am talking about meeting females when I say this, but I believe it applies to the opposite sex and dating, as well. When I meet people, and they want our friendship to move ahead at lightning speed, I slowly back away. Needy people are not healthy, and they suck all the energy out of me like a Hoover.
Regardless of the details that you have not shared, it's apparent that you and the lady in question have different values. It's not that one of you is right and the other is wrong. It's merely that one of you likes vanilla and the other likes chocolate and you're not a good match.
The next time you meet a woman online (or in line at the grocery store or where ever) and you make some kind of connection, s l o w d o w n. Take your time. Build trust slowly. Healthy people do NOT put it all out there with strangers. It's not so much lying or keeping secrets as being judicious about how much of you to share at a time.
It's alright. You didn't get the girl this time, but you're learning stuff about yourself and YOU are the most important person in your life, so enjoy the process.
...............................
A
male
reader, mrvayne01 +, writes (20 July 2008):
mrvayne01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I'm still naive at my age, but I just assumed someone contacting me a lot was showing high interest level and was therefore fairly available. If that's wrong I'll take my lumps for assuming. BTW I broke it off after finding that out and if I were to give the details of her ex-involvement as she gave them to me I think you'd all agree it was for the best. Thanks for your answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  + ♥, writes (20 July 2008):
 I don;t really think your anger at her sounds fair - from what you've described. What has she done to break you "trust" in her? Not tell you something soon enough? And then it was only a week before she did?? Why does it even matter - the guys an 'ex' and is now just a 'friend'..so what's the problem?
Perhaps you need to examine what you are looking for when you begin relationships on these sites...chances are there alot of people on there who aren't looking for the same thing as you...that doesn;t make them bad people.
If you feel so strongly about this incident, then maybe "friendship" with this woman won;t be possible for you - and you should part ways. Neither of you need this heavy stuff so soon!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): I'm not sure what you mean by date when it's just a friends thing. Isn't it just hanging out? She really is under no obligation to discuss her personal life so immediately to you since you are just getting to know one another. I really think you are viewing this as a relationship and to me, you sound too controlling. Who she dates, who she sleeps with is her private information and she doesn't have to explain that to you as a new friend. She told you that she was just looking for friends so why didn't you respect that?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): It sounds like the woman in question idea of friendship is a "friends with benefits" sort. That is, she wants to date around without having attachment to one person. That does not mean that she would not be willing to share things of her life with you. She is however warning you not to expect much more than the occasional nice conversation and eventual intimacy. This is my read of the situation.
...............................
|
