A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd like advice from anyone out there who is currently married or who has been.I want to know if you think that what my bf and I have together is a deep enough connection to one day consider spending the rest of our lives together. We're not ready for marriage yet, but at 27, I want to be sure that what I have is worth sticking around for. I've put a lot of years into this relationship and I don't want to waste any more time if it's not going to go anywhere.On the outside, my parents see this as a go-nowhere relationship. My bf hasn't shown any real enthusiasm about taking things to the next step i.e. moving in together. We always seem to be on a differet page - I want to travel.. he's focusing on his career here.. or I'm studying full time and he's wanting to buy a house..Anyways, to tell you how I feel about him.. I want to know your thoughts on this..I wake up in the morning and the first person I think about is him. I want to call him to say good morning and hear his voice on the phone. He's the quiet, serious type.. but somehow when I'm with him, I'm always laughing.. I become witty and make both of us laugh. The time I spend with him seems to bring out the best in me.. I make him happy and feel happy in myself. He's the overly organised multi achiever.. the cool calm collected guy that always manages to get things done.. yet I'm the nightmare with time management.. but more cheerful, lively and impulsive. I'm the one that tends to panic over things and over-analyse and he'll help me relax and think logically about things.. and I help him loosen up, laugh and have fun. It works well I think. I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.. not that we have candlelight dinners or anything or some amazing romance after all these years.. but I look forward to telling him about my day.. hearing about his.. and making light of whatever crazy things have happened to one of us if any. We usually go for a bike ride together along the shore front and talk about how the day went down. After work in the summer, we'll meet up and go for a swim while we talk about stuff.On the weekends, we'll spend the nights together watching a DVD.. and spend the days going on hikes, walks, bikerides, tramps.. or we might go on a holiday somewhere relaxing for a night away.. where we'll do something like sit in a hot pool and eat hamburgers together while we watch TV.. then fall asleep in each other's arms.. When something great happens in my day, I want to tell him about it.. when something bad happens.. I'm sick, scared or feeling lonely.. I want to be with him and pull him close to me. He's been my rock for many years.. he's seen me through so many tough times and always manages to cheer me up.He was my best friend for a year before we fell in love with each other. He's the first and only guy I've ever slept with.. and so because he's the only person I've ever loved.. I worry I'm just too attached.. or maybe he really is THE ONE..My parents don't believe he'll ever make a commitment to me.. and that the relationship's not heading in any direction. The thing that stops me from walking away is that I LOVE the time we spend together.. he's my best friend in the world! And I believe we have this deep connection.. moreso than most of my married friends! He's never made me feel controlled.. never belittled me or ever put me down. He's always encouraged me to excel and be the best person I can be. I'm not the best listener and tend to get absorbed in my own problems.. but I acknowledge that and he's helping me work on improving that. I help him learn to forget about his reponsibilities and live a little!His bad points though are that he's very set in his ways. I couldn't imagine us sharing our life together, because he's very money orientated - everything would be split down the middle between us, despite his six figure wage and my middle-class one. My parents think that's unfair.. and when your parents tell you things repeatedly, you find yourself getting confused. He has things in his life ultra organised.. he's a compulsive time keeper and he once said many years ago that he worried about living with me.. because he's spend all his time with me and not get anything else done.. and forget his other responsibilities. Even though it was near the beginning of our relationship, it always stuck in my memory.I feel that we have this amazing connection and I'm always so happy when I'm around him. We otherwise have a healthy relationship, but I KNOW that I want to be a mum and have a family one day.. the little home with the yard full of animals... I have this dream in my heart, but I just don't know if he and I will ever get to a place where we'll even seriously consider that. Sometimes I become afraid I'm just delaying the inevitable and I just have to let him go and if he was going to commit he would've already.Help.. your advice is appreciated. Did you have these feelings/doubts before you got married.. and what happened.. and what do you think I should do? I have no doubt that I truely love him and vice versa.. and I believe this commitment problem is solely something he needs to sort out. But do I wait longer or just walk away :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): Thank you for the advice everyone. It's really helped me think more about things. This site is fantastic :O)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): you are overly focused on the "doing". It is not how well you do things together and how complementary you two are materially that matters.That's what you want with your best friend. It is whether you inspire him to be his best self and whether he inspires you to the same that should instruct you both as to what the future holds. A man knows his mates because he wants to do the irrational for the love of her, stretch himself get out of his comfort zone earn the right to have her say yes when he asks her to marry him, compatibility in action not to be underestimated but if that is all there is for him, he will not ask you to marry him, sorry.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (17 May 2010):
 Well you're certainly not too you to get married. And I'm pretty sure he loves you too because, unless you have reason to believe he's cheated, then he wouldn't have stuck with you for all these years. All couples have their differences. He tries to get the best out of you. And if your sex life is romantic and loving then I suppose there aren't too many worries.
Mention moving in together again and gage his reaction. You can't have a life-long relationship living seperately. Talk more deeply to him about his concerns. All people have concerns about moving in with their partner, but some choose to face that fear and others choose to avoid it. Have you ever asked him if he wants to be a dad in the future? Because if this is something you don't agree on then this relationship is going to be very difficult.
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