A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There is a guy that i'm involved with who has been friends with this girl for a few years (has known her longer than i) that is apparently visiting and staying at his place (she lives in another state). They have worked at events across the country in the past and I never really thought anything of it. Me and him got into a fight and haven't talked in a few weeks and I found out that she apparently flew in and is visiting him. She is kinda a "stoner" type chick with a loud personality and seems to be like one of the guys (into sports, smokes weed, drinks a lot, dresses kinda like a tomboy at times). Never really thought he would find her attractive or if anything would think of her as a little sister. I just find it extremely odd that shes staying at his place. She has been posting pictures on her instagram of places that they went to, but no pictures of them together or anything like that. He hasn't really posted any pictures, and the ones that he has posted he doesn't really even acknowledge that he's with anyone. Someone even commented on one of his pictures saying that they saw him and his "gf" walking around, but he quickly deleted that comment. I'm not really sure what to think.Is it possible that her visiting him and staying with him for a week as just friends is platonic? Is this normal, or would people likely assume that its romantic and he's sleeping with her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): When you say "involved," how so? Regularly dating, exclusive, or casually seeing each other?
I assume it must be pretty casual, if he hasn't changed his life-style. Jumping to conclusions is only going to add more heat to the rift you two are working out at this time. The tomboy's visits didn't bother you at the beginning; so if you had no problem with her in the beginning. Why now?
If you're uncomfortable with the situation; your feelings about her matter very little, if you're not on speaking terms at the moment. Taking a break from each other means you have differences you can't resolve amicably. That's not a very good sign.
My advice to you is to first establish where you stand with this guy. Are you his girlfriend, and is your relationship monogamous? If you're his girlfriend, other single women shouldn't be spending the night at his house; unless they happen to be related. He hasn't asked to move-in with you, or vice versa; so it sort of leaves things up in the air.
She is a friend who precedes your involvement; so things are only happening as usual. You're concerned only because of her unlikely timing, and the fact you are both now having a disagreement.
She sounds like just one of the boys to me. Apparently also part of his "dog pack," or support-system. How often does she fly-in to see him? Distance in this case is your friend. So I wouldn't worry about her too much.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to behave like adults and keep communication open between you. If you're both giving each other the silent treatment, your passive-aggressive tactics are going to backfire.
It's time to talk. Tell him what you feel about her visits and get an understanding if he respects your feelings. You need to establish where you stand, and what her place is within your romantic situation. Don't allow your imagination to runaway with you; by making accusations that you can't substantiate.
If he doesn't care how you feel, and the whole thing sounds like bullsh*t?
Dump him, and his little dog too!
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (12 January 2015):
i don't really think it must be anything.. i am friends with a lot of guys and occasionally stay over. Unless they have slept together before, i don't see a reason for anyone to believe so. In any case, what matters is what you think, not what others think.
Anyway, people always jump to conclusions. I can't say whats really going on, all i can tell you is, that its absolutely possible to just be friends and hang out and stay together without it being a FWB or romantic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): Guys can be platonic friends with girls. It's more common than you think. But, the doubt that you and others may have lies in the fact that they are two people of the opposite sex who are spending a lot of time together. Alone. And so given the circumstance, the idea that they may feel attracted to each other seems a likely possibility. And I guess technically it is. But even that is not that cut and dry. One of my best friends as a teenager was a dude. He lived next door to me. We had other friends too but he and I would spend so much time together. I never got along with my mom so I would often go to his place to retreat. In fact I'd often spend the night at his place cause I didn't want to go home, we'd even sleep on the same bed together. And we never even kissed or touched or tried anything on each other. I've been on surf trips where we could only afford one room and a bunch of people of both sexes are sleeping side by side on one bed and all we did was sleep. I've been on camping trips with the same scenario. Sharing a tent with several dudes. And all we're doing is sharing a tent to sleep in and nothing more. From what you describe, it sounds harmless. If your boyfriend is a promiscuous, douchy type, then I'd be worried. But he sounds cool and this girl sounds harmless. Furthermore, they've been friends for a long time. He probably sees her like a sister. As for that comment you read about him being out with his "gf" just sounds like an ignorant statement from an ignorant person. I think the reason he deleted it is so that you wouldn't see it and get the wrong idea. I think this guy still likes you. So I don't think he is trying to jeopardize that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 January 2015):
 No matter her personality, or whether YOU think he finds her attractive, they obviously have something going on. It's hard to say if this is just a really good friendship or more. I would presume more.
He doesn't WANT to be "saddled" with a GF - you said you have been "involved" with him, so since you didn't say dating my guess is he has a couple of girls he has a FWB with, you and her and possibly more? Why? Because he can.
If you want a relationship with a guy who ACKNOWLEDGES you, he isn't it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): 'Me and him got into a fight and haven't talked in a few weeks'
I assume you're over and in this case their relationship I'd in the nicest way possible not your business.
My suggestion is to not keep updated with how he's been spending his time.
Next time you are involved with someone you want to be with for a long time don't have fights that lead to not talking for weeks.
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