A
female
age
18-21,
*aPointe
writes:Hello,My boyfriend and I have been dating for eleven mos. It's been a pretty rocky relationship, and a lot of it stems from the fact that I suffer from both major depressive disorder and PMDD and I am not settled on any medications yet (I've tried about five but haven't gotten that perfect fit.) So, I deal with a lot of self-esteem issues, tiredness, lack of libido, mood swings, just very not fun issues.My boyfriend has been wonderful, to be honest. He was there for me when I was quitting cutting. He was there for me when I was going through withdrawal from a certain medication which had very, very bad side effects. The problem[s] is/are, sometimes I just don't feel happy in the relationship and I don't know how to differentiate that from just being generally unhappy. I don't want to lose a relationship that could be good if I were healthier, but I also don't want to be trapped in a relationship because I blamed it on my depression. A lot of it I think also has to do with that he never seems very committed. He will say, I want to work it out, but he also is very aversive to talking about the future. He says there is no point in talking about the future, because we don't know what's going to happen. We don't know if we'll be together. And to me, that takes all the hope out of it. It's like he doesn't care either way, it won't make so much of a difference in his life.I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with somebody who reminds me that if we broke up, he'd get over it. I want to feel like he would really fight for us. I want to feel like if I were in a bad depression, I could count on him to remind me why I was there in the first place - not to just step back and say "Well, breaking up wouldn't be the end of the world."But when I tell him this, he tells me it's my own self-esteem issues and he shouldn't have to support me. So, I'm confused. Doesn't everybody need support, and hope? Or is this really my issue? Like, I don't know how to figure out what really is my problem and what is our problem.Thank you for any help.
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female
reader, LaPointe +, writes (2 January 2010):
LaPointe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, guys, I'll try to remember what you've said and take all of that into account :) You're both really sweet!
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  + ♥, writes (2 January 2010):
 Hmmm...I don't think he's too committed either. I also think you'll be hard pressed to find the type of guy that will be a good match for you until you get your medication under control and work on your self esteem. I'm sure you are a wonderful person but you have to question what kind of guy is going to want to be with a girl that was cutting herself, had to help through withdrawals, and has low self esteem.
See, you have major depression and you haven't quite dealt with it yet even though you've started to and had the courage to get on meds. I know that's tough and I've been through lots of med adjustments as well and withdrawals. I also know that every time I've been in a low point in my life, I seem to attract the wrong guys, laws of energy I guess. The ones I attracted tended to feel threatened once I got fully healthy again. Maybe they were drawn to all the drama initially.
Also, it's really difficult to determine if someone is good for your life or not if you weren't happy to begin with when you met them. They say your level of happiness goes back to what it was eventually after the high of a relationship has worn off. I guess the lesson in that is you can only make yourself happy, not look to a boyfriend for that or for him to boost your self esteem- that's only a temporary fix you get from a new relationship. It wears off and then you are back to yourself again.
My thoughts are you still have so much work to do on yourself and being with a boyfriend that is so-so about you must be dragging you more down.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  + ♥, writes (2 January 2010):
First of all, every couple needs to talk about the future. We may not know what will happen, but we can plan. So there's no reason not to talk about the future. Living in the present doesn't always work. You need plans, and clear aims with your life.
Secondly, yes everyone needs support and hope, but this guy doesn't sound like he's totally committed to me. If he was, he would make effort to talk to you about the future. I'm sure he has been good, but it's not enough to just be there and think it will all turn out to be okay without effort and planning. And to say that he shouldn't have to support you is rather cruel. He shouldn't have to take all your problems on, but he should be there to help you work through them and to be honest, he's not. My girlfriend has suffered since she has a miscarriage before meeting me, and though it wasn't my baby, she is my girlfriend so it became my problem as well and I've tried to be there for her.
I think at this moment, you sound like you have a few problems that you need to focus on without the worry of a boyfriend in the background, and I think you would be better of without him so you can just focus on yourself.
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