A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently met this guy who is a regular customer at my job. I'm a restaurant manager. He comes in and has a drink every now and then and has gotten to know the bartenders well. He inquired about me with one of the bartenders and she got us to start talking. I told him upfront that I wasn't looking for anything. And he understood that. We started hanging out anyway. A week after going out we slepttogether . And now it seems like we are dating. Talking and being intimate on a regular basis. We are supposed to be going away this weekend to a cabin up north. I'm getting mixed signals. I asked him what he thought we were via text a couple days ago. And he seemed to dodge the question. But is still continuing to text and call me like normal. He does mention sex a lot but not in a pressuring way. On the other hand I got hurt and had to go to the ER yesterday abd he asked if I wanted him to go with me and keeps checking in on me. I guess I'm confused. Is this just sex or are we starting to build a relationship? I wasn't looking for anything in the beginning but now I'm considering it. I just don't know where I stand with him. And when I asked I didn't get a clear answer. Also the time line for this "relationship" is only about 3 weeks so far. He's really sweet, seems to care etc but Im just worried its just about sex for him. The last 3 times we hung out we've had sex but we also do other things. Soooo confused!!!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 September 2013):
 Heh. You had sex and now the feelings are happening. That's what this is. You might get hurt with this one, because right now, you do not have a relationship. You have a Friends with Benefits.
If you're interested in becoming a relationship, talk to him and tell him that when you first started seeing him, you told him you weren't looking for anything. However, tell him that being with him has made you like him, and you're wondering if he is interested in a more exclusive relationship along the lines of dating and the more traditional path.
I won't lie to you. It is a risk, and if his feelings don't match yours, he may turn you down or worse, he may back away from you. However, he seems like he really cares for you (usually a FWB doesn't keep checking up on you like he is), so it may be worth the risk.
Then you have to determine what you'd do if he's NOT interested in a relationship. Are you okay with things as they are, casual and no strings attached, or will you change things based on his answer?
Heh, all the messy things that happen when those messy illogical bonding chemicals get in there and the feelings start flying.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): So if I understand correctly, you told him at the beginning that it wouldn't be anything more than sex... and now that you're sleeping together you're worried he's only in it for sex. Well, duh... what else would he be in it for? You took emotional involvement off the table and he was still interested, what does that tell you?
Men aren't mind readers and you as good as told him sex was the only thing you wanted from him. He had no reason to think differently and he doesn't owe you anything, even if you've changed your mind after playing easy to get. You can have the "what are we" conversation if you must but I would fully expect this guy to run for the hills if you do. He was expecting a casual, no-strings arrangement and he will think you intentionally misled him.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 September 2013):
Never ask a guy so soon to establish the terms of the relationship. You're still getting to know each other, so how can either of you realistically know what "you think you are"?
If he's showing (not just telling) you that he's interested in you, leave it at that, otherwise you risk sounding needy and scaring him away. Give the relationship the time it needs to develop; don't try to jump the gun by forcing a label on things.
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