A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was in high school, there was a fellow classmate, Justin, who bullied me for being gay. He was downright mean to me. We graduated about 15 years ago. Eight years ago, he got my number from a mutual friend and called me out of the blue. He apologize to me and I do believe that he was truly sorry for his actions in high school.Both of us are single and we been spending a lot of time together in the past three years (nothing romantic, we are just good friends). We actually have a lot of things in common. My parents know Justin bullied me in high school. They moved out of town several years ago due to work so they haven't seen Justin since we had a parents/teachers meeting between my parents, Justin's parents, Justin, the Dean of Man and myself. Justin is nervous about seeing them and has asked me if he should apologize to my parents for his past actions. I honestly don't know if Justin should or if we should leave the past in the past. When my parents are in town, we (my parents, Justin and I) are going to a charity dinner so Justin will be seeing them (I want both Justin and my parents there since this charity means a lot to all four of us). Should I tell Justin that he should apologize to my parents, explain the situation to my parents or both? Is there anything I can do to help smooth everything over between Justin and my parents?
View related questions:
bullied, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2021): I think you should let Justin follow his heart. Justin had his own personal demons and issues to deal with back in the past; and it wasn't really all about your being gay. He liked you as a person from the very start; but he was conditioned to believe your sexual-orientation is what defines you as a person. He was taught to hold disgust and disdain for sissy boys; and do everything you can not to be one, or be associated with one. It's as if it's some twisted rite of passage to torment gay-people to become a man.
I also had the occasion to receive an apology from someone who tormented me for the same reason. I was home on leave from the Air Force at the time.
People who are different seem to trigger fear, anger, hate, or alarm in people. Human nature is strange, or evil, in that way. You'd wonder why they wouldn't just mind their own business, if you're no immediate threat to their safety; or you're not invading their space? Instead, they'll go out of their way to judge you and express their disapproval. Like, who asked you??? Even if you're inviting someone to know Jesus Christ as our Savior, you leave the judging to God. That's what God and Jesus said we should do; I'm just echoing Their words. Keep your self-righteous condemnations to yourself. He doesn't need our help to change people, we need His!!!
The reason Justin apologized to you, is because he never actually hated you. He never even meant to hurt you. He was fighting what he felt deep down inside. The conflict, with which he fought; with the idea that says he should hate, but he didn't have reason to. He had to see the person, not what he judged "about" you. God has touched Justin, and given him the courage; and the decency of mind and spirit, to apologize for tormenting you. I'm sure he gave you the more accurate explanation than my assumptions and theories I've expressed here. However, these are the typical motivations behind the bigotry.
Regarding your parents, I would leave it to his conscience to do what he feels to be right. I wouldn't get too deep prior to the opening of the event. Suggest that he reserve it for a more private or intimate setting.
First and foremost, you're the one who deserved Justin's apology. Your parents were due an apology more so in the past; because they suffer whatever pain is inflicted upon you as their son. They love you; and when they know you're hurting, it hurts them too. They were forced into the position of having to protect and comfort you; and that was because of Justin. Justin is only one person; you've faced many more incidents of prejudice and discrimination. You may never get any apologies for those.
Everyone involved should place this in the past; but God has placed this on Justin's conscience, to make good of what wrong he did to you all as a family. God's forgiveness comes from our faith and repentance. To graciously accept his apology shows how much you've grown and healed. Some never get-over the past, and never move on to heal. Some have to turn to years of therapy, and still can't let-go. It's very sad that those people are trapped in the past; consumed by their anger and unforgiveness. You are blessed.
In the end, it should be forgiven and forgotten. Friendship blossomed from what was once your pain and torment. I assume it would only please your parents to know you and he have mended the past. Forgiveness is warranted here.
I'm pretty sure your parents won't recall those times; until he refreshes their memories. We have to forgive and move on, even without apologies. To actually receive an apology is good; but in this case, it completes a journey to atonement for Justin. All in all, he sounds like a good man; and very good friend.
God bless all of you.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 October 2021):
 YOU were the one being bullied by this lad. YOU have chosen to accept this guy's apology, forgive and move on. He certainly owed YOU an apology but I'm not sure he owes your parents one. Perhaps he could "meet them half way" and say something like "Thanks for letting me join you. I'm grateful." and leave it at that? They will be able to judge him by his future behavior.
You are a better person than I am. I'm pretty sure I could not be that close to someone who had been that vile to me in the past. I might forgive them (because there is no point in holding grudges), but I certainly wouldn't forget or give them chance to get that close to me again. I am sure your parents will have similar thoughts/misgivings so don't be surprised if they are cool towards your new friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 October 2021):
 I would give your parents a heads up.
People grow up. He has apologized, you have accepted and forgiven him so it should be "sorted out".
Now your parents may not LIKe the idea that you are friends with him, but that choice is yours.
I would have to agree though, I would never in a million years be friends with someone who bullied me in our teenage years. But that is me, I hold grudges lol.
Whatever your parents decide to do is ON them. You can't control them.
...............................
|
