A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of one and a half years and me were going fine until his ex-girlfriend emerged on the scene. They were in a relationship for eight long years and broke up two to three years ago due to family issues. She used to text him once in a blue moon. After coming to know about me, this girl has turned jealous all of a sudden and has been pestering my boyfriend with texts and phone calls. When i came to know about all these, I openly asked him that whether he harbours any feeling for her or not. He replied with a confident no. Even i talked personally with his ex, who told me that she doesn't love him anymore! But behind my back, she's constantly trying to brainwash and confuse my boyfriend. She even told him that if they wouldn't have broken up, her father would have got him murdered!(How cheap and fake is that!)My boyfriend got pretty confused as usual and started feeling guilty. I gave him time and space to decide, and he chose me over his ex, saying that he wasn't confused anymore and wants only me in his life. I also made it clear that if she keeps in touch with his ex, I'm gonna go away for ever. At first he kept mum and sounded uneasy, and then replied that he's okay with it. I'm slowly igniting positive feelings in him and maintaining a positive aura, although it's very difficult to hear stuffs like "she's constantly coming in my thoughts...she loves me a lot...she was crying bitterly" and at times "I don't want you" followed by "baby, I love only you...I'm sorry! Any discussions related to her disturb me."I'm really stressed out to deal with his behaviourand at times it gets on my nerves, although I'm a very patient and calm person. We share a very friendly relationship and he shares everything with me. His mixed reactions confuse me as well! But seriously, I hate discussing about his ex-girlfriend.He and his ex have a lot of mutual friends (while i know only three friends of his, his cousin sister and brother) and naturally she emerges sometimes in their discussions and that utterly disturbs him. (P.S. his ex has been spreading rumours about him that he cheated her, which is not true at all! Also she's trying to show her care towards him by texting his friends to cheer him up and stuffs like that.) But i console him saying that everything is fine, just he needs to be a little more strong and diplomatic to handle such situations.Another thing that bugs me like hell is that although his ex seems to be nice to me, which is not her true colour (according to me). She texts me also frequently asking "how are you" and at times sends quotes. I don't like it, although i can't misbehave with her.I'm at my wit's end! How do I deal with situations and issues like this? Is there any way to get rid of this girl from our lives? (P.S. She's too manipulative.) How do I keep my boyfriend on the right track? Can his sister help me out in this as she is very close to me?P.S. This girl is geographically far away from him and so do i! I can't live without him and so please, suggest something useful. Please, help me out, fast! Sorry for such a long question.Thank you!
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female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (11 November 2010):
She is jealous and he feels guilty. He is the one that needs to release himself from this situation and I think you have been very clear. He must be the one to let her know that although he wishes her well he is with you now and is not prepared to be just friends or in contact any more. That is what you are asking for.
In rare situations people can be on friendly terms with exes but this is not one of them, mainly because her behaviour is disturbed. She is trying to control him for some reason or another.
All he needs to do is tell his common contacts that he has decided to do this because of respect for you, not because he bears ill will but because the relationship is over. He need never say bad things about her but hold a calm and constant line. If she texts do not reply. If she texts again do not reply. Same for him. If she calls he must be busy. He can say he hopes she is well but he is not able to talk. Turn the phone off for a while. If he can't do that you need to be clear with him that although you don't want it to be the case, it may damage your relationship and you would not be able to say with conviction that this relationship is right for you.
Give it a set time and if it does not resolve you will have to consider the future because it may be that he is weak in some ways, being unable to guard your relationship from harm.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 This girl is far away and not in your lives anymore. Treat her emails as spam and delete them right away. Tell your boyfriend this is just between him and her, and that he needs not to feel any guilt. Her intention was to wreck havocs in your life because she can't stand him being with you. She wanted to befriend you so that she could tell you what her ex did, and to make you leave him. Pay no attention to that. Your boyfriend should be deleting her from his life also. To keep her emails is a sign that he still misses her. All you have to say to him is you don't want to hear about her anymore. In your last paragraph you said you are in a long distance relationship. So the stronger issue here is that you are not with him physically. You don't need to add more strain to the relationship by brining his ex up. If you have no plans to move in together in the future, then I suspect that you would just be a distraction to his dramatic breakup.
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