A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My problem is my partner (of 16 years, we have one child just over 1 year old) he seems to have a real problem expressing love and affection. It seems to have got worse since we had our baby. He does not tell me he loves me but thinks I should know. He very very very rarely offers physical affection and when we are intimate we always have to talk about fantasies. He can't seem to just be. I feel he is always holding back from me. Is there a way I can help him feel more comofortable with expressing love and showing affection. I feel so angry about it but I know I can't "force" love and affection.. help!? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (25 March 2007):
 My boyfriend of almost 9 years has the same problem not showing affection and doesnt express his love. Its not because he doesnt love me, but because he feels uncomfortable showing his affections, like its going to make him a lesser man if people see him being all in love and affectionate.
We have had a number of arguments over it, because I want to show my affection, and he doesnt. So if I try to cuddle him, he gives me a quick hug and then either gets up or tells me he's too hot, so doesnt want to cuddle. The excuses are rediculous!
He has asked for us to "act out fantacies" and to be honest, it doesnt do anything for me. But if its what he wants, then I accomodate, on my terms!
Firstly, if he's not showing you affection, perhaps you should ask him why that is. He must give you some kind of response, other than "you should know". It took me over a year to get to the bottom of why my boyfriend didnt want to show me affection. I thought it was something I had done, or perhaps I had put on too much weight. But it was something a little deeper than that.
My boyfriend and I have now compromised, and he now gives me hugs and kisses etc, just not anywhere where someone could see us. It works for me.
Secondly, if its all about fantacies, then do it, but on your terms. If he for instance wants Superwoman, tell him thats fine, but you want "The Gladiator" or whatever rocks your boat.
The acting is part of the fun, and it does work, if you make it something you are both comfortable with.
I hope this makes sense to you, and hope you can work through this!
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