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female
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anonymous
writes:My parents and I have a terrible relationship. They always criticize me for everything - be it what I'm wearing, how the furniture in my house is arranged, learning foreign languages, traveling, ANYTHING. They also dislike my husband and even make snide remarks to everyone about him! My mother even said to his mother "how can you let him dress like that??" (His mother just says "well, i'm not going to tell my son what to wear." Plus he's 24 - an adult! This is proof that my mother thinks we're not grown up and it's so frustrating.)Anyway, the last three months my parents and me and my husband have not been on speaking terms. Rewind back to October - my parents hired a contractor to update some things in our house as a wedding present. The contractor damaged our floor. My husband asked him to fix the floor. The contractor freaked out and assaulted my husband. He said that we were trying to destroy his business...and this is the day after my hubby had surgery! Long story short, my parents sided with the contractor and said we should have fixed the damage ourselves. (We are going to court this March, as the contractor is being criminally charged with 2nd degree assualt. That is a felony and he could be put in prison because of this offense.)Fastforward to last Friday. I get an email from my parents saying that my grandmother is on her deathbed. I write back and tell them that my grandparents aren't talking to me because of something "someone" said. (After trying to wish my grandmother a merry x-mas, she hung up on me after saying she spoke with my mother about the contractor incident and that she'd heard enough and the conversation was now over. Lord knows what in the heck my mother told her.) I told my dad I wasn't planning on visiting my grandmother because she didn't want to see me. The last thing I want is for my family to blame me for my grandmother having another heart attack (yes, this is something they would do. Trust me.)Then my father says I should try to heal the relationship with them. I told them not until we get a full apology from them for treating us and my husband so callously and like children. Then they ended up apologizing and asked for us to meet on Saturday to fix things. I have not responded. Both my husband and I want to believe that this apology is sincere, but they only said it when I told them that's what we expected - it's been 3 months!Here is my question: is a relationship filled with such negativity worth trying to "heal?" There was not too much good about it to begin with. Thinking about meeting with them is just a huge headache. Something that will just result in them being offended when I state my feelings while I'm expected to sit there and be personally attacked (ex - I would say "I think we should go to family counseling." My father's response "I'm not crazy! YOU can go!" Essentially he called me 'crazy' when I tried to help resolve a past situation.) Or should I just keep avoiding them and tell them to leave me alone for the millionth time so I can have some breathing space (I felt much more relaxed the last few months without having to talk with them).Sorry it's so long. Maybe someone has some insight into this. Thank you!!!!
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female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (22 February 2007):
 I am very happy that you are taking a stride in the right direction for your mental health and self-esteem.
Stick to the no contact no matter what they say, even if that means throwing away any email, letter, phone call unopened, unanswered, unread, and unreturned until enough time has passed.
All the nasty, and snide things they could say to you can wait until you are ready.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just now wrote an email in reponse to their apology. After much consideration and a whirlwind of emotions, I have decided that I am not going to meet with them to repair things just yet, as I mentioned in my previous update. Here is actually part of the message that I sent to them:
"Thank you for your apology. While I appreciate that you are making steps to have a healthy relationship with us, I have decided that we cannot meet with you on Saturday.
[several paragraphs were taken out here, but everything is summarized below]
For so long I thought something was wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me! I just happen to like different things than the both of you. Just because we have differing tastes doesn't give you a right to give me dirty looks, ask me what my problem is, or tell me what I like is ridiculous. No. I don't do that to you and it's not fair that you always try to push your views on me. It has totally damaged my self confidence and I'm just now learning that it's okay to be open that I like certain things that are not considered mainstream. People are not going to think I'm weird. And people are not going to think I'm strange for liking different music than them. People are not going to think I am stupid because of the clothes I wear. No. None of that is true. But it has been engrained in my mind.
Don't you see? - the electrian does have a lot to do with this because that incident made me think about our relationship deep down (what started it all was thinking about how you were more concerned with letting it go than doing the right thing by reporting his actions and going to court), but it's only part of what the big picture really is: you are damaging to me and it needs to stop. Snide remarks and cut downs are unwanted and unnecessary. I am my own person. You do not own me. I am not a piece of property. And most importantly I am an adult and do not need "guidance" for things based on personal preference.
Honestly, I think I would feel more comfortable if we were to wait until next year or longer to speak. I need time to work on my self esteem. I need to gain self confidence. I can't keep having your negative comments thrown at me because that will just send me back to square one. I've worked too hard these last few months to do that. And maybe, if need be, we can all go to family counseling together when everyone is ready.
Thank you."
I can imagine one of them will have a smart remark to send back to me. If they do, I'm just going to ignore it. That's the best I can do at this point.
Thanks again to all of you. I truly appreciate you all taking the time to help me out with all of this. It means so much to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for your responses.
Shandy Pop - I feel like doing that, trust me. Then there's a part of me that feels guilty for not trying. But it's like I'm really confused - do I want the relationship or do I just feel guilty for not having it. I've told them I may be ready to talk in a year. So this way I can figure out what the heck my true feelings are, and to get my self esteem back on track. (Honestly I wish I had the "guts" to just tell them to get lost!)
Jadzia - You brought up some really good points. I'm going to bring some of these up when I finally have a discussion with my parents, if it ever ends up actually happening. And a toxin journal is a good idea to have in the meantime even if I'm not speaking with them so I can be sure to address the major things that keep occuring in my mind. I'm taking your advice on waiting a year, too, because honestly that sounds much better than anything. Really give them and us time to reflect on things, you know?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): Sorry, but i would tell them to get lost. You don't have to put up with this cr*p! They are your parents, not your choice in friends, but the people who brought you into the world, you don't have to put up with them. The incident with the contractor was terrible, they should of taken your side. No. I wouldn't meet them or keep in contact. They don't deserve your love and understanding.
Take care
xx
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female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (16 January 2007):
It is usually one parent that is the actual abuser and the other is the enabler backing the other up. Both are abusive and both hurt. It is often one child in a group of siblings that will be the scapegoat and get the full load of abuse. This is the typical abusive family.
I am assuming this has been happening since you were a child. I am also assuming you are that scapegoat.
This type of abusive toxin can fester for years, and if you allow it to come into your life over and over again you will not fulfill your potential.
So what can an adult 'child' do?
If this was anyone other then your parents, what would you do? Just because they're your parents doesn't mean they get to treat you worse then you require of friends and strangers. Some ideas are:
-If you need them in your life set bounderies. Set a limit on phone calls (amount and time), emails and visits. You will need to be the one to hold them to these limits, be prepared to walk away, hang-up or delete emails.
-Allow yourself a month, to a year without them and then see how your life, stress level, and marriage is. Then talk to your husband and consider if your parents contribute anything in your life of real value.
-I would suggest you start the healing process, by facing the fact that you might never get a true apology or any closure from your parents. You will need to release the toxins yourself. Get a 'toxin' journal just to write everything you can think of that was ever said to you, or done to you from your parents. If memories pop up write them down. Write everything, what happened, how it made you feel, and how they responded to your feelings.
With really painful entries of memories a counsellor or your husband can listen and be with you as you work through the it.
Just remember: NO matter the situation NO one has the right to treat you like crap, you ALWAYS have the power to walk away from their crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLilly - just saw your response, it wasn't up when I look here before. You know, maybe it would be a good idea to meet on Saturday. Then maybe meet with them again after the court hearing if things don't go well. Then at least all of the pressure from this stupid contractor will be over with. I'll talk to my husband and see what he thinks, although I know he'll say the ultimate decision is up to me. Thank you for your answer!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDragonette - thank you very much. I think that waiting until after court is a great idea! I hadn't even thought of that. It makes so much sense. And I agree with you about the idea of them speaking to my grandmother. I'm so used to the idea that I have to do everything myself, I hadn't even thought of that. I was just thinking more along the lines of "how am I going to explain the situation so it doesn't sound like I'm lying or trying to make my mom sound like she's lying. No matter what I say, it's going to sound like I'm trying to get my grandmother to take sides." So yes, that's a good idea. And one that I'll have to speak to my parents about. You're right - if they really care, they'll want to do this. Thank you very much for your response!!
Astrid - My in-laws are so wonderful, I feel like more a part of their family than I do a part of my own. I was thinking perhaps therapy...but honestly I've been to five therapists over the years for problems with my parents and I think the next step would be for them to go with me and they refuse. Yes, I am an only child so that's probably part of the problem right there as you've stated. And while I don't talk to my parents, I've seen my mother around town and have been polite to her (I've said "hello") and she would pretend she didn't hear me and carry on with her business. It's very frustrating. But yes, I do agree with you - I need to stand my ground. After doing it so long, I need to hear that because I begin to think I'm doing something wrong. Thank you very much for your encouragement. :)
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female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (15 January 2007):
 Okay, they have met your requirements and apologized in order for you to meet them on Saturday to "fix things." i would go Saturday, with your guard up, listen to what they say, and consider it. Go in to this with the expectation that you will hear what they have to say with an open mind. If meeting them results in nothng other than more abuse, you can inform them right then and there that, although you are sorry, you have to remove yourself and your husband from this toxic relationship. This way, you will have given them a chance to explain their actions, made an attempt to form a mutually agreeable relationship guideline, and ended it knowing that you gave it one last ditch effort.
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 Well, to be honest, you have quite complicated parents bt fortunately your family in law is not this way and moreover it's important that you have a nice lasting relationship with your husband and that u both are on good terms, try to cope with your parents maybe therapy would help, try to analyse why they do not want you to grow up and commit our own mistakes or decissions, are u an only child? as this may be the situation that your parents want to help so much as they have no other children to help so they end up causing you lots of trouble. Stay calm try to be kind to your parents but show them youre to stand up for ur man and relationship so that if they want u they must respect thatgood luck
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female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 First of all, in your email you sound pretty self confident and I admire you for not letting your parents break you. It must have been horrible to grow up having them criticize you constantly.Also, I'm very sorry for the circumstances with your grandmother.To tell you the truth, I am not the ideal person to answer this, because I have not been in this type of situation with anybody. However, I think that if I was in your shoes, I would write home to tell them I would prefer to wait with meeting them until the court business is finished. That way, at least you will have it black on white that the contractor who your parents hired to fix your house actually did do something wrong and that your parents were wrong to side with him (provided that the court finds him guilty). Also, you can tell them that if they were sincere about wanting to patch things up they would talk to your grandmother and straighten things out with her so that you could come to say your farewells to her without her being angry with you for whatever your mother previously has told her.
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