A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have gotten back with my ex but am not sure it is the best for both of us. She and I had been together for over two and a half years. Most of that time was wonderful. She was very giving and understanding in many ways but also demanding in others (I look back now and see that she deserved those things she needed). I have no doubt we loved each other. I however was very selfish in a lot of ways. She was very eager and quick to get serious while i was somewhat apprehensive about marriage and felt like i needed to pull the other direction. I also blamed a lot on being very career oriented some out of wanting the best life for both of us in the future. Being a man, it was very hard for me to communicate. After trying numerous self help websites and books we decided that she would move out and we would see if that separation would bring us together or show us we were better apart. The first few weeks we still spoke every day but pretty much a monotonous conversation. Since she had been hurting and not fulfilled for quite a while she was able to begin to move on sooner than I. She began getting back out there, going out and living the single life. Once I began to see and feel this I feel like I had an epiphany. I became incredibly remorseful for the hurt I had caused her and over the next several weeks I set out to show her the man i truly wanted to be. It was a great personal growth experience of me regardless (I was suddenly able to communicate the feelings I hadn't before. During this time she was hanging out with a new man. Around Valentines day we decided we wanted to formally give it another try and she would break things off with the other guy. Not even one week in she became scared that we were going back to our same old and decided to have no communication for a week (something i wished we had done initially). She immediatly went right back to the other guy. During that week of little/no communication she did realize that she did not like not having me in her life. For the last two months we have been good building the relationship we should have had in the beginning. My one hang up now is that she was untruthful about her activities with the other man and was somewhat playing both sides by continuing to talk to me while seeing this new guy. When asked if they slept together she initially said no but it eventually came out that they had, 5 or 6 times, beginning 1 week after they met. I had to catch her in a lie to find out she slept with him when she became scared we were slipping into our old ways. I am trying hard to forgive but find the dishonesty and intimacy hard to get over. She says she now knows she wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. Sorry for all the details but they are why I am so confused as to whether I should forgive and forget or just let go and move on. Thank you for any input.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 April 2010):
 The sex happened when you guys were on a break so in reality you can't hold this against her and there is nothing to forgive. If she knows she wants to be with you and you want to be with her than give it a try. Only time will tell you both if you did the right thing. The only wrong thing she did was making you the other man and you aware of this situation so the victim is the other guy not you. It seems like you both want to give it a try so go for, but you have to start fresh and forget about the past if not than this relationship is going to die and right before it starts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): If you love her and know in your heart of hearts that she is the one for you then i would suggest putting all of this behind you and starting out now as you mean to go on.
You said yourself that you pulled in the other direction, i can only guess that made her feel 'whats the point' in the end. It sounds like it was very one sided on her part.
So please try and understand why she tried to find what she was not getting from you, from someone else.
I agree that she should have told you the truth about having sex with him, but i also believe that she chose not too because she still hoped that you and her had some chance of making it.
Love her, do all that you regret not doing and let this episode with the other man go, too many people realise too late just what they had, dont be one of them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Did you promise yoy would not have sex with others while on the break? If these lines were unclear you can't really say that she cheated on you. She was only trying to do what she thought best for her, move on. A bad idea to sleep with another man, yes, but he was only a rebound guy and nothing serious. The reason she lied about having had sex with him or not is because she is ashamed that she did, and doesnt want to hurt you or loose you again. She made a mistake. Just be happy she's not pregnant with his child!
If you can get over this or not is up to you. Its hard to decide, if I was in your shoes I don't think I could. But if I was in your shoes I would have made it clear from the start that while on a break we shouldn't sleep with others.
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A
female
reader, toniaa  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 hi therei really understand what you are going through as i have been there myself i have been with somebody and then we finished got back togather and it didnt work out and we realised we wernt good togather at all. i think you really need to sit and think bout if you really do want to be with her and she be with you? she may have felt lonely when use had the split from eachother and that would explain the other man. i dont agree with her seeing this fella and you at the same time its really unfair what she did for both of use if it was me i wouldnt want to be with somebody if i new they had sexual intercourse with someone else while we where on a split. use need to sit down with eachother and talk that is the best advice i can give you get back to me
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