A
female
age
36-40,
*sorock
writes:I am in my second year of marriage. My husband is the last born and the only boy. In our first year of marriage his eldest sister (42year old - unmarried) was at our house every day of the weekend. She would arrive at 7am in the morning while we were sleeping and leave after midnight (every weekend) and my husband would say nothing. She moved to another country for work but came back to work for a project for 3 weeks. Her company paid for her hotel during this time but she opted to stay with us the whole time. In this 1 week she let me do all the cooking and chores and never helped (p.s she goes everywhere with us, on all our dates too she tags along).The most confusing part is that while we had set up the spare bedroom for her, she one night chose to sleep in our bed with us (me and my husband). I found this very uncomfortable as it didn't seem right, still hubby did not see anything wrong with it. I talked to my husband about her sleeping with us in bed and he totally lost it and got angry at me saying he saw nothing wrong as our bedroom is just as good as the rest of the rooms - nothing special.We fought about it and i felt bad.On other occasions me and hubby would be in bed watching a movie on laptop and she would jump into bed too and join us, or while we are in bed come in our room and use our dressing mirror and other stuff. Last night hubby and i were in our bedroom watching a movie and she walked in without knocking and began chat. She later left our room and i decided to change into my pajamas. As i was changing and naked, she decided to walk in again without knocking and found me completely naked, till i asked her wait outside and she was back in as soon as i was done.I hoped my husband would say something to her about but he did not. This morning i asked him if he found her actions appropriate and once again we got into another big fight where he was defending her saying, she didnt know i was changing.When it comes to his siblings,he will always defend them and it leaves me feeling alone.Is this normal? Shouldn't she respect our matrimonial bed/home? Why doesnt my husband see any wrong in these actions? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2015): With more to go on, I can be fair and offer better advice.
What your husband and his sister are doing is morally wrong.
Grown siblings do not share a bed all night. You're not in some war-torn third-world county; or some poverty-stricken village in the middle of nowhere.
She has no respect for your marriage and the boundaries that visitors should respect when in your home. It continues; because you allow your husband to bully you into accepting unhealthy behavior between him and his sister. It is time you take a stance and demand that she leave your bedroom and ask that she enter only if invited in. Insist that she always knock before entering; and if she can't respect you as his wife, than you do not consider her welcome in your home.
This is about you setting boundaries and insisting that your husband respect your wishes as his wife. You don't have to accept this nutty and disturbing behavior, and for him to put his marriage on the line to continue it; says he does not respect you and how you feel.
You have your beliefs, limits, and values; and this is way beyond your tolerance level. It is well time you let him know continuation of your marriage requires more respect for you. There is no getting around that. There are poor countries where a whole family is forced to share a small cramped space. Not in the UK! What your husband insists on doing is very unhealthy; and if she's so damned sensitive, let the both of them get some professional help.
What they are doing, goes far beyond healthy bonding between brother and sister. He knows it's wrong, he just doesn't care. You do, so do something about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2015): I suspect something funny here, as your husband really should respect your feelings on personal space. However i am not saying it is unnatural for siblings to have this easy going attitude regarding bed sharing but the fact that he is willing to let it develop into arguments knowing fine well your feelings on this.
I personally would expect more arguments every time you broach the subject, sometimes I like to make a point by 'mirroring' when words don't reach. Have you a sibling brother who could keep jumping into your marital bed uninvited? wonder how he would see this and how much he would tolerate. Sounds outrageous on the other foot but this
is what he is forcing you to accept.
It does not matter if it is innocent, you don't like it, it does not matter that it is only family, you don't like it, would he like his mother in law doing the same? or father in law it amounts to the same things. Disrespect for your feelings, continuing to make you upset knowingly. Really his sister should know that it is not appropriate to do this uninvited. I get the snuggle up horror movie scene with lots of people jumping into one bed who ever they are but sister sleeping in bed when she has her own room sounds iffy to me.
I would not like to be in your position,(again) brings back memories of a brother and sister who were a little too close for my comfort. I was constantly told i was nuts for thinking such taboo thoughts and i should be ashamed of myself. I lost all sound judgment and perception because i knew what i was seeing and hearing and sensing but it was family so i was wrong. In the end somebody told me that this brother & sister had had some sort of fling when they were very young, so everything fell into place, bingo! i was out of there, all the crazy making gone, it's horrible when your perception is torn between truth and lies.
Something is not right here i suspect.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (7 September 2015):
 Each to their own but to me that sounds wacko. If ever there is a place that you should feel comfortable and considered it is your marriage. Any normal person would expect that their marital spouse honour and respect their concerns without argument or lacking action to some degree. The dynamics of growing up, however unfortunate they may be, it is hardly the worst that I have ever heard to justify this level of intrusive behaviour on her part and enabling on his. Apart from the obvious, what is your relation like with her in general because I would go as far to suggest this sounds like she is very aware of her actions just to piss you off. Perhaps she sees you as taking the little brother that she helped raise away from her and needs to show you that married or not she is more important than you. I'm not one for ultimatums , but in this case unless he is willing to see things from your point of view and set some boundaries, it may well be your last resort. If he is not willing to budge after that then I can hardly see that things will ever change as you the third wheel in your own marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2015): Change the locks and tell her to knock..
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A
female
reader, isorock +, writes (7 September 2015):
isorock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank for your response WiseOwlE, it is well received. My Husband (35yrs) and i (29yrs) are both black and not immigrants. My husbands parents got divorced when he was 2years old and the mother left them with the father. So literally his two older sisters had to help their father raise him.His father later died when my husband was 11 years old and my husband had to move from house to house. He and his sisters later on moved in with their mother (by this time he must have been 15years old).He is very close with both his older sisters and quite frankly will defend them even if they are wrong. In his eyes they can do no wrong. He actually values his sisters more than his mother.The older sister i talk about (42year old), is not married but has a 7year old daughter that we have babaysat since she was born. She if financially independent but just very clingly and wants to be with us all the time, come on our dates, sit next to her brother and quite frankly has boundary issues. I am from a family of 5, a middle child and the only girl. My parents are still together. I love my siblings too but i point out their wrongs with ease and even have my husband talk to them. They are very aware of boundaries and do respect us when they visit which is rarely.I do have a say in my marriage just not when it comes to issues that involve his side of the family. One he said to me about his sister "x is a very sensitive person, so she must be handled as such". I hope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): You speak nothing of his cultural background, his ethnicity, or if he grew-up in an immigrant family who fled a country of oppression. The behavior you're describing doesn't necessarily come from incest as you are implying.
I will not even go there; because you simply describe what you don't like, but give no back-story that I strongly suspect was left-out on purpose. Why would your husband be so angry; unless he has protected her from something all his life?
I do find the fact that she doesn't respect your privacy disturbing; but I have to wonder what is wrong that your husband has either not shared with you, or you did not share with us.
If you don't want her in your bedroom; have a private talk with her on your own. Defy your husband. If you are afraid to; then there must be some cultural reason he gets to override your say in your own marriage. If you make no proactive steps to correct the problem, coming here for advice is pointless.
If you speak on your own behalf, and your husband goes crazy from what she has told him; then there IS something wrong with the both of them. The truth is, you have no say in the marriage, and the problem goes far beyond your sister-in-law.
Maybe you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Not an argument. State your feelings, give your opinion; then calmly hear him out. Lock the door when you go to bed. Stand your ground and insist she not sleep in your bed. Or explain to us why you are completely powerless in your marriage? Don't leave out details necessary to give you advice based on sufficient information that gives us some insight. This is far too weird to speculate on, and a one-sided story always leaves me suspicious of how much the truth is missing; and how much of a story is embellishment on the part of a frustrated OP.
You don't have to respond to my inquiry if you don't care to; but you'll get better responses, and even more people will contribute if you give some small details about your husband and his sister. Don't let people form unfair opinions on either of them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 September 2015):
 Your husband is hiding some secrets. The following would be strong accusations but would suggest why she's acting the way she does. Either they've had incest or she was sexually assaulted by another family member. She has anxiety being alone in the bedroom. As a child, she would have done that to her parents. She never outgrew her fear of darkness, and being alone in the bedroom. Now she is relying on her brother to soothe this fear.
As a husband he should be able to share everything with his wife but he feels dark family secrets is not one of them.
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