A
male
age
51-59,
*eerhunter
writes:Dated ex gf for year and half. She broke up with me 5 months ago. A few weeks ago she contacts me and says still in love with me, misses me, and wanted to spend all kinds of time together. It was great because I still loved her. She then says she wanted to keep it "open" to dating other guys etc. Like a punch right in the stomach. Then began obvious distancing behaviors (hard to reach, avoiding me, irritated when try to show affection...) before announcing that she does not want an exclusive relationship with me, not does she even want to date me. Said we were having same problems, though I think it's a convenient rationalization for getting cold feet, because the only problem was her being wishy-washy about either in or out. Mind you...SHE reached out to ME after breaking us up. I really want to know if she is already (5 days) dating someone. There was some curious behavior before she retracted everything again, but I try to give her benefit of doubt. I think it would help me move on if I knew what the hell I'm moving on from. If she's seeing someone isn't it reasonable to know? Do you think it would at least give me some closure and finality?
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male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (30 May 2013):
deerhunter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cindycares. I agree on the technicality thing. But I just can't help the way I feel. I would never allow someone to believe I want to get back with her after dumping her, and then when she buys in, take it all back and say never mind, let's keep it open. I should have told her to leave me alone right there and went into emergency no-contact. Out of self preservation. But she sucked me in and I believed she meant what she said. No I just feel mislead and lied to and rejected. Again.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 Sorry to hear the bad news, then again, OP, you had seen the writing on the wall, when she said that she wanted to keep things " open ". Then she confirmed that she wanted to start dating other guys, and then also that she did not want to date you any more. So yes, unluckily , technically she is right, she carried out her intentions after having told you , and after having ditched you ( and if it did not go exactly like this,and there has been an overlapping , you have no way to know it or prove it ).
So, yes, technically she is right, what she does with her dating life is none of your business, and personally I think that by wanting to open Pandora's box , you did not have a great idea, you wanted " closure " ...and now you are predictably riddled with pointless
" how ", " why " " why me " to which you won't have an answer. So, might as well having have moved on willingly, at the first signs of monkey business.
The silver lining of this , though, is that, while right now you feel small and discarded, in a little while you'll feel LUCKY. You don't want a manipulative flake as a gf, right ?, or a validation-hungry vampire. I think throughout the relationship you may have seen this girl a bit through rose tinted glasses, and now that you know better what she's about... at some point you'll feel HAPPY that it's someone else , not you, to deal with the real her.
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A
male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (30 May 2013):
deerhunter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, here's a follow up. I finally confronted her on all this stuff. Turns out she had been dating just one or two days after she told me that she didn't want to date me any more. No way could that have just come together in 24 hours, so obviously she was playing me. Furthermore, I caught her in a few lies, and she became very defensive and eventually screamed that it was none of my business (technically true, but come on, she just told me she was "IN LOVE" with me just a few days before...). I wanted to know the truth, and I think I have it now. She told me that there is someone she is already interested in, and she wants to go out with him. And she was NOT nice about it either. I was devastated. My heart is broken. How could someone break up with me 5 months ago, then change their mind and come back to me and tell me that she want's to be dating me again, and then change her mind again, and find someone else so fast? What did I do wrong? As far as I can tell, what I did wrong was try to show her reciprocal affection, and when I started to do that, she ran away. Again.I feel used. I feel so small and discarded.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Lol at tell her to f^^k off comment. She obviously don't trust you. That's what I get from this of why she don't want to be exclusive. If you have expressed what you desire and she doesnt agree its not meant to be. Now if you have no fully expressed you want and desire her thats the problem of why she wants open. Thats normally a request of a guy that want fwb also to be open sesame.
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A
male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (29 May 2013):
deerhunter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses. My mind tells me that I am not going to come away from that conversation feeling satisfied, but my heart is breaking and thinks that if I can just ask this one time, I can let go and move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 May 2013):
I think that your ex is one of those people who does not like to work without a net, and feel funny being officially single. So she reached out to you again... till she works her way upward and onward to someone " better" ( or just, NEW ). If she is not dating already, she is going to start anytime soon. The bad news is that , since she did not accept to restart an exclusive relationship , and told you so, she is technically not doing anything wrong , you are free to take it or leave it. And she does not even OWE you an explanation for her behaviour ( although, I agree, it would be nicer and classier if she gave you one ).
The good news is , that you do NOT need to know what she's up to, for moving on. You can ask her, of course, what you want to know- if you trust her enough to assume she'll tell you the truth. But you don't have to, it's much simpler : you want a committed monogamous relationship- she does not ( at least not with you ). Ergo , you want two totally different things , so it's in your best interest to move on and try to get what YOU want. That's really all you need to move on- making up your own mind.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Hi
IF you really need to know, then ask her. She, at the moment is playing you, using the fact you went back to her so easily even after 5 months.
My guess is she met somebody, it didn't work out, she got in touch with you and now either *he* has got back in touch or she has met somebody new.
I agree, next time she contacts you tell her to go swivel.
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A
female
reader, crying123 +, writes (29 May 2013):
At our age we get tired of starting over. The one I know I should let go I am fighting for the hardest. I believe she was seeing if you had moved on. This is a big ego booster for some people to know they can get you back any time they want. They keep looking for something better and if they don't find it they know you will still be waiting to take them back.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 You don't need to know. You don't need this kind of hassle in your life, and the more distance you can put between you and her and your past relationship the better.
And if she contacts you again tell her to f*ck off.
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