A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I view lunch dates as a fun way to meet new people, as well as a diplomatic alternative to me saying NO DATES FOR YOU. But recently a friend told me: You shouldn't go on dates with men who you aren't attracted to... that is the equivalent of leading them on! It's wrong!What do you think, is that true?Background information...I always pay for my own food and am non-demanding as a date partner; my lunch dates seem to enjoy themselves... so I don't think it's "wrong" or "manipulative".However, after about four lunch dates or so often I am approached for sex... at which point I have to honestly answer no, I am not interested doing the deed with them. (My friend suggested that I just try and sleep with one of them to be polite, or that I might enjoy myself... but the simple truth is I can't enjoy sex with people I'm not physically attracted to. Ironic thing is the three men I've dated long term were completely different in terms of physical appearance, background, and weight.) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 May 2013):
 IF you are meeting a friend for lunch and are paying your own way and make it clear it's LUNCH and it's FRIENDS only I see no issue with it.
The question is, how are you leading them on so much that on date 4 they are expecting sex? IF you are not leading them on at all or giving them false hope, then I see no problem with it.
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 I don't think you are doing any harm. You are giving them a chance to convince you that you might be attracted to them which is what they want I assume... Carry on ;)
(But say no to the sex!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): I completely agree with Cerberus. As someone who just got ditched after four dates (ok not lunch dates, but dates nonetheless) it hurts to be rejected. It's no fun. Of course you shouldn't sleep with a guy you don't fancy, as your friend suggests, but you should have some idea after the second date whether you like them enough to carry on to a third and fourth date. OK, attraction can grow but it doesn't even sound as if that's why you carry on to the third and fourth date. These guys must like you to keep meeting you for lunch, and you're just hurting them. You ARE leading them on by stringing it along to four dates.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Sorry I phrased this wrong.
"Personally I think you should only date if you want a relationship"
What I meant was the potential for romance and/or sex. You're using dating for personal gratification with no consideration for the guys.
Would you really feel good about finding out the guy who you felt you had a real chance of something awesome, only dated you for the hell of it and didn't even find you attractive?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Yeah you're leading them on OP. You go on dates because you don't want to refuse a date with a guy who you're going to reject anyway?
OP as a guy it hurts more to be ditched after 4 dates than just being rejected outright. You go over in your head all the things you could have said wrong, you torture yourself with every detail of how you messed up with a girl who "must" have been originally interested or she wouldn't have agreed to go on a date. You tell all your friends you have a date, you get excited, you may even buy new clothes, you think about it for days, you may even let your fantasy get caught up in how cool this may end turn out. After the first date went well you get nervous about the next call, then elated when she agrees to another date. You may start to like her and really think you may have found a really nice girl and yeah you may even start to gain some feelings too. You then give all your friends a play by play, talk about how awesome she seems to be etc.
You don't care about any of that, you don't care that guys can be crushed by thinking this was a big chance, or maybe you're the fifth lady to "reject" them in the past few months and the one who makes them give up on themselves etc.
OP you're dating under false pretences, you have no intention of being in any way romantic with these guys and do so because you like the idea of a guy making time and effort to impress you. So you're using for them for that and you don't care that dating implies they have a chance, you don't care how much of vicious knock to the confidence it can be to have had what you view as a chance with a girl only to "fail", you look down on them as pawns in your game because you don't even have the decency to be up front about not being interested in them. You date guys you don't even find attractive. Just so you can sit there while they're on the best behaviour, so you can feed off their lust while they do everything they can to impress you.
In Ireland we have a name for women who do that 'cocktease'.
OP if you want to lunch date the right way at least be very up front with the guy that it's strictly platonic and you're not interested in them from the outset.
If the guy chooses to try anyway, then you're blameless. But at the moment you're using guys for the attention and you find that fun.
Trust me OP I used plenty of girls for sex so I'm not judging you in any way, just giving my honest opinion.
I never implied these women were going to get me as a partner or that I was interested in anything other than their pussy. I never once lied to any of them and told them that would happen. I felt blameless because it was these women's assumptions that hurt them, not me. But back then OP I was an uncaring asshole, in a lot of pain who had devalued women emotionally to only be good for my usage. I don't feel bad because it was up to them make sure I had what they wanted on offer but then again I never went on romantic dates with them as I by no means even then would have felt okay about leading them on. The difference between me and you though OP is that you are deceiving them, a date implies a romantic chance. You go on dates with guys who don't stand a chance, and you may even tell yourself that it's okay because they do have a chance, it's just that's only a 0.0001% chance and that's somehow okay then.
OP personally I don't think you're technically doing anything wrong I have friends who do that, but you are leading these guys on, you are using them for fun dates for yourself while they're trying their best to romance you and you should at least have the decency not to try and disguise it as anything other than toying with the emotions of guys who may well put a hell of a big emotional importance on dating you.
No matter how calm, casual these guys act the more you do this to, the more guys who will feel pretty deeply hurt or lose their confidence because of it. If you're fine with that then sure who cares? Dating is cut throat business anyway. Just be careful OP, it's very easy for this to go pretty wrong. There are also some quite messed up guys out there. Personally I think you should only date if you want a relationship and only with guys you want to give a proper chance to.
Dating is risky business OP, a risk I only think is worth it for the proper reward.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Uhm...I don't know. You are always paying your way so you are certainly not freeloading, and of course you aren't by any stretch of imagination obliged to have sex with somebody just because you have spent a total of 3 or 4 hours together previously, so technically you are not doing anything wrong.
But, it's all in the intention, and in communicating it clearly and honestly.
Maybe you want to have lunch with these guys to make new friends and shoot the breeze, but- they DON'T. They want to date you, they are attacted to you , and I am sure that they see these -repeated- lunches as a way to " breaking ice " or getting closer in view of something more. In other words, ...probably they have already enough friends as it is, what they want is a gf or a lover.
So why not simply telling them right off the bat that unluckily there's no chemistry, or you can't think of them " that way " or whatever... but you are available for an occasional lunch and chat if they wish ( which, they probably don't wish :) , but at least it's all in the open and there's no intentional or unintentional misleading ?
And how in the world going with them on a DATE ( dinner ,lunch or drinks does not matter ) is a diplomatic way to say : No dates for you !? When you want to say : no kisses for you, what do you do, go ahead and kiss them ...?
Don't do unto others... I can see from the letters we get at DC that the girls are mightily pissed off when a guy signals interest ( or what they take for personal , romantic interest ) by asking them out , giving them attention,... and then they come up with " I think we'd better just stay friends "...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): There is nothing wrong at all about seeing men for lunch dates. These dates are nice and light and, because of the limited amount of time, don't last too long.You are young and are looking for Mr Right. And I'm imagine the men are looking. For Ms Right, You need to meet a lot of men before you find The One, so keep on doing those lunch dates and who knows who you might meet.As for sex. You are absolutely right to say no. Most men will ask for sex after seeing a woman a few times, whether its lunch or a dinner. They are hardwired to want sex. So just keep saying no to sex and DO NOT take your friend's advice, you don't want sex with a man you don't fancy or are not attracted to. If you have lunch with a man and you don't feel physically attracted to him, having sex with him isn't going to make you feel attracted!! You'll know for sure when you meet a man you want sex with.So keep on with those lunch dates and hopefully you'll meet Mr Perfect.
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