A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my long term BF and I have been arguing a lot mostly because of his problems and we have been kind of on/off over the last year but I still love him. I saw him a couple of weeks ago then he suddenly told me he had seen a woman at work he liked and was going to go out for a drink with her this week. He is now calling her his 'new lady'. He refuses to speak to me, hangs up the phone if I call. I called a few times to discuss and he simply heard my voice and banged the phone down. Is it worth trying to fight for the relationship before he gets too close to this new woman or is it best to leave them to get on with it. I kind of think, if someone else can come between us so quick, after so many years, then maybe what we had wasn't that real in the first place?? What do you think?? I would really appreciate some help as this is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do .... Thank you. Kate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I am sorry you are going through this.
Your boyfriend is now your ex better for you to accept that you are broken up and that he has taken a coward's way out.
The new woman is simply a way for him to ease himself out of your relationship without having to go through withdrawals of missing you or dealing with his own feelings, she is the unfortunate rebound...My bet it will be over in a few weeks.
Does that mean you should take him back? I think your relationship sounds very unhealthy, you have broken up repeatedly in the span of a year, that is not a good sign, I would take this as the last straw and try to pick yourself up and move on with your own life.
I think if you can you should never speak to him again. Closure doesn't really exist, because there is nothing absolutely nothing that he can say that is going to make this any better for you or any easier to understand and accept. Because breaking up is an emotional decision and you can't explain emotion with logic, it is a waste of time even though we all wish so much that "knowing" will make the pain go away.
I am sure there are things that you learned about relationships and about yourself and take that knowledge and be very choosy the next time you decide to get seriously involved with someone. I think you need time to heal and instead of doing what your boyfriend did, take some time to be completely single so that you can heal and not get into a relationship out of desperation or loneliness but because this person that you met is really right for YOU.
Your guy sounds immature, really immature and like he really does not know what he wants. You have already spent years on this, don't keep beating a dead horse. You will meet someone who wants the same things you do and who will be better for you, just keep your heart open to that possibility and it will happen.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 He is inconsiderate for not discussing things with you. He acts like he hopes you just disappear. It's hard to move on when you can't talk to him but there's nothing much you can do now. A third person who suddenly comes into the relationship doesn't necessarily mean your relationship wasn't real. You were not happy with him, you can't change him. He desperately needs a woman who appreciates for who he is. We are always hopeful and can see only good things when we meet new people. I think you should just write him a letter and tell him you enjoy having shared a life with him, even with its ups and downs, and wish him happiness. It's unlikely that he would want to come back to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Hello Kate,
He hangs up the phone when you call him.
He has a what he calls a 'new lady'.
He told you he is going for drinks with another woman from work.
There is no relationship anymore. You really need to move on and get over him. Do not hang around and fight for a relationship that has obviously ended.
Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): i know it hurts! been there done that...i can't tell you i know how you feel cuz everyone has different feelings... but i will advise you to let him go... you are correct when you say that maybe it just wasn't real and in all honesty time will tell... maybe you should follow his lead and also start dating... a change of pace may do one of two things... either get you guys back together for good or you will both realize your not meant to be... i don't know you but you sound very hurt and confused and at the same time you sound like you know you don't deserve this... stop calling him.. i know it may be hard at first but by being so accessible to him will make him wonder or will make you realize that you deserve so much better... best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Your relationship of many years was certainly real, but as you know, relationships change over time.
You ask whether you should fight for him before he gets too involved with this new woman. Unfortunately, it's already too late. He has chosen to pursue her and there is nothing you can do about it - particularly since he won't talk to you. Sorry, but it's the luck of the draw, so to speak.
Your best bet is to leave him to his own devices and get on with your life. While it doesn't look like it now, you have a brand-new opportunity to do the things you want, including in time seeking a new man who will want to be with you.......
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Oh Kate.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Obviously, he doesn't want to even talk to you. I don't think fighting for him at this point is even an option for you. If he hangs up on you when he hears your voice, this means that he really doesn't want to even be in touch with you. He's trying his luck with this "new lady"...
A similar thing happened to me in December 08 where he left me for another woman and would hang up on me and not return my calls at all.... a year later (few months ago) I tried to be in touch with him again and he responded - only because he broke up with her. I met with him and gave him my all - stupid on my part. We made love that one night - and I thought it's all going to be okay, but the VERY NEXT DAY he texts me and says he's giving his lady a second chance and doesn't want to hear from me ever again. And he's back to hanging up on me and ignoring my texts again.
It's a cycle and my heart is aching all the time. Don't allow yourself to deal with this. Just move on . Easier said than done.. But trust me, if you can, just move on Kate.. :(
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (12 February 2010):
 It has to be kind of shocking and hurtful to see him move on so quickly, and I can sympathize with the idea of trying to save the relationship, but what are you saving? It sounds like your relationship has really deteriorated, if you have split up and gotten back together several times in one year. And if he refuses to speak to you, what else is there to do?
Maybe you could write him a letter expressing how hurt you are, and tell him you want, and feel you deserve, some kind of closure, an actual goodbye. If he doesn't respond within a few weeks, I would just forget him completely. It sounds like he is trying escape his feelings for you, instead of dealing with the situation. But, there is little you can do about that. Chasing him down would be painful and very likely useless. Express your feelings, and let him respond or not respond.
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