A
female
 ,
*ooty
writes:Dear all,I'm hoping for some geniune logical advice to this problem. I wrote some time ago now, of my relationship with a man, now of 3 years plus, whose wife was a friend of mine, and sadly died 4 years ago. Me and him became friends, both very lonely at the time and the relationship deepened, when he suddenly, only a month before the 3rd anniverasry of his wife's death, announced he didn't love me and did not want to 'string me along' and wished to end it. There were numerous words spoken between us and he made lots of accusations at the time including one incident which was particularly hurtful. Three months later he asked to meet and said he'd not felt so low as he did without me and had made a mistake. We got back together, (now 6 months) though at the time I was fininshing a degree course and we agreed he must give me time to trust him again and complete the course, and not expect too much of me. However I have constantly felt that he is going to hurt me again and seem to 'do the wrong thing' most of the time. He's adamant he loves me and I do dearly love him, I never stopped, but I can't seem to settle? Our lifestyles seem totally different now, and I struggle to keep up with him. I've talked to him about it but he says if we love each other it will work out and eventually we can move in together, meanwhile I'm still struggling to work my way through a full time job etc and he's out most of the time, has a big social llife and still hasn't admitted to his late wife's father or mother of his intentions for us to be together, saying it all takes time?? Can anyone suggest anything? Is it worth carrying on? I can't bear the thought of life without him againbut it's really starting to hurt.
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female
reader, sooty +, writes (25 August 2007):
sooty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again,i'd like to ask the annonymous reader if she would email me , and tell me about her circumstances? theres children involved aswell , and some annimosity surrounding this , please would you get in touch,thankyou
A
female
reader, sooty +, writes (23 August 2007):
sooty is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
thanks for your answer , i do think some of it was guill etc . He recently removed his wedding ring , saying he'd done it to make me feel more secure , and one night recently he said he would have ept it on forever if it hadnt of for me? , which I may add hurt too . I just feel despite everything , he really doesnt want to move on ,and would rather liver his wifes memory (understandable) but wants someone there to have as a girlfriend when he fells lonely. I do understand this feeling ,but thats not what I want from a relationship .
maybe it is time to move on?
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A
female
reader, lildeesbg  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 I know that he hurt you all that time ago but you said it was a month before the anniversary of his wifes death. Maybe it was the guilt that was talking at that time which ended things between you two. If it was the guilt can you understand where it came from? If so that can lead to a mending of the bridge between you too that burnt. However, if the fear of him hurting you is the thing holding you back then dont let that be the reason why you too arent together. Dont let fear rule you! If there are other reasons then let those be the reasons why you arent together. In your letter you write that your having trouble keeping up with him, you work and he is a big "social life"...those can be pretty good reasons why you two might not work. I feel that its good to have someone balance the other person out...he can open you up a little more about going out and having fun and you can give him structure. However, can you see that balance occuring?...As for life without him...you have done it before and lived to tell the tale. You really need to weigh the good with the bad and be honest with yourself. Do you and him see eye to eye on where the relationship is headed? because if he hasnt said anything yet to his deads wifes parents...there must be a reason. Could be an innocent reason such as he is just scared...or it could be because he is not sure where you two are eventually headed.
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