A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am I wrong to refuse sex to my husband when he uses porn to get aroused. Im simply hate the thought of him getting all excited by the bodies of other women (he likes penthouse glamour type images of women) and then using me as some type of masterbatory device to relive himself of his excitment over these other women. Im seriously considering taking our four children and leaving. Is it wrong of me to want a man to find me arousing and not need the images of women 20years younger or should I give up on men altogether including my husband...Is it unrealistic for a wife and mother to think she could possibly be sexy and arousing to her husband after years of marriage...and having kids?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Op here, thanks for the responses. Im not sure why the first person thought I didnt like sex...thats simply wrong. I enjoy sex A LOT but simply not with a husband who needs to look at other women to get turned on. I feel Im worth more than that. some great points made by the other though..
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (29 July 2009):
 Some interesting responses to your question. Until recently, I was not aware of how much of a threat porn appears to be for a woman. It seems that many women would like their husbands to be sexually aroused by them alone, not by looking at a sexual scene, a sexual thing, or a sexual person. Woman believe that it is their prerogative to feel outright betrayal if their man gets sexually excited by something outside of their own partnership. I have some sympathy with this sentiment. But I don't believe that your husband is watching the penthouse glamour type girls themselves, but is probably getting aroused by what they are doing. This may be hard to understand, but that is why different 'types' of porn exist and seem to flourish.It still does not make it right that he watches porn.I don't believe that having 4 children is the reason why he doesn't turn to you for sex. This is a tricky problem. Womens bodies are built for childbirth, and some women might struggle to get back into their 'pre-pregnancy' shape after childbirth. A woman's body goes through changes, and then some. If a man is so shallow as to not understand this, then I would simply question his maturity. You can try to help him overcome his problem, if you still value your marriage. You are the same woman whom he married, but in between then and now, you both created 4 children, and have got a little older. If he truly loves you, nothing will have changed in his mind. I feel he still finds you sexy, but is getting too complacent and way too lazy to think about your needs, and what turns you on. In his mind, you are a wife and a mother. He is the God of his porn world, and the women who live there are neither wives nor mothers. Just faceless sex objects. You need to bring him back to reality. Don't threaten him, or deny him sex. Just remind him that you are real, not an actress, and you have real needs which he is not considering.You might want to allow him to watch porn in bed with you, you might not like that idea. If you feel you cannot do this together, then he has to stop, it's as simple as that. He is doing something that you don't like, and it is hurting your relationship. If he loves you, he will stop. If he doesn't, then I would think hard about what you mean to him.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 July 2009):
 I think it is fine for your husband to enjoy porn and masturbate to it of thats what he likes, that is pretty normal. But for him to watch porn in order to get turned on before having sex with you is wrong, that sounds like he is borderline becoming addicted to the porn. If he cant get turned on at all anymore without the aid of porn then he has problems and probably could do with seeing a therapist.
I think walking out on him would be a bit drastic, I think you need to try and work through this problem together. Denying him sex and banning him from watching porn wont help, but talking about your problems might help. I think in your case seeing a relationship counsellor will be a very good idea, or maybe even a specialised sex therapist. You have 4 children and I'm sure you have spent many years together, so you owe it to yourself and your kids to try and work this out.
Your husband needs to understand that you are not some "masterbatory device" as you put it, and I think he needs help to learn to get aroused again by a real woman and not something he sees in a magazine/online. From the sounds of it I really do think your husband needs help - learning to get aroused again by real women wont happen just by the two of you talking or you banning him from certain things. I hope you do consider seeking help from a professional, and if your husband wants your marriage to work then he will be happy to go along with it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Yes. I think it is the wrong approach to DENY your husband the pair bond reason for your relationship. You are seriously alienating him. What you should be doing is talking with him about the need for such an aid. Perhaps revamp your communications. Work on your emotional connection to each other to find out what turns him on and you as well.
I think that you can be alluring, seductive and intriguing to the point that your man wants you at any age regardless the number of children you begot. Sexiness is in the mind. So is love. It's how you interact with each other. How loving you are with each other. How empathetic you are.
Looking at porn is a poor man's excuse for a relationship with an individual that cherishes you and desires you and wants to be intimate with you. Porn doesn't give you any of that but makes you feel more alone than ever. All porn does is stimulate your mind to sexual arousal and then possibly depression if you don't find it fulfilling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Sex is something that you should enjoy together; if you no longer enjoy it or want it with him, you should be honest and tell him, so he can make his own decisions about staying with you as a partner.
Lack of sexual togetherness is fatal for any relationship, and the fact that you are considering "giving up on men altogether" gives a good insight into why he is turning to porn.
Your negativity regarding sex is turning him right off and he needs to be inspired elsewhere as he obviously isn't finding encouragement from you.
You say "refuse sex to my husband" as if you are doing it to punish him for his leisure interests - doesn't that tell you something about your attitude?
Re-read my first sentence and consider what you are doing to him and how he must therefore regard you.
Just guessing, but I think he NEEDS these other images because you are such a turn-off.
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