A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this is going to sound petty, but my best friend is getting married and I’m starting to think she’s using the whole thing to try to get to me. I’m beginning to feel unwelcome. She hasn’t got many friends as she is the type of person that falls out with people easily. She had two other friends one who she is very close to and the other she has admitted she doesn’t actually like that much and sees her more of an aquantance than a friend. She has said to me a few times that these two friends are BOTH at the top table and involved in the bridal party and I’m not. I don’t mind but she keeps saying it to me like she wants it to annoy me. My son has autism which she is usually very supportive about but lately she said something unkind about his stimming that upset me. She said you’ll need to stop him doing that before he does it around the wrong person. I feel like I want to distance myself but the thing is I don’t have a lot of other friends, as having a child with special needs is pretty isolating so I kind of feel like I need the friendship. What would you do?
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2018): It's never the quantity of friends you have, but the quality. You still need to have more than one!
Sometimes when we've been around people a very long time; they take things for granted, and they say things or behave in ways that are far out of their usual character. That's because they've begun to take the friendship for granted. They may have found a new friend. They feel they can get comfortable; and shutoff their filters, toss their manners, and say whatever comes to mind. Only when they choose their words, and it offers some benefit.
It's not how long a person has been a friend that gains value; it's how well they consistently treat you. Their dependability, and being there at just the right-time. Never hold-on in spite of injury, to preserve something you can see becoming toxic. They are taking advantage of your loyalty, and have become swollen with self-importance. Over-pricing the cost of their remaining your friend. Pain should never be the cost of keeping a friend.
We are human and we are bound to say or do something wrong or hurtful. We can't help that. What makes a friend a good, and sincere friend; is when we realize what we've done wrong, and we earnestly apologize and ask for forgiveness. We realize it without having to be told.
If an apology is delayed, they don't realize the wrong they have done, or an apology doesn't happen. The friendship has run its course. Your bestie knows you; and they know what buttons not to push, or what lines not to cross. So do you!
You've become too dependent on her as a friend; meanwhile, you have failed to expand your support-base. You need a variety of people around you to keep you objective, and open-minded. Others to turn to, to avoid dependency. Spread the love! It's not always easy making friends; but being sociable and friendly keeps that door open. It makes you visible and approachable.
There are support-groups for parents with children with special-needs. Both the adults and children benefit from being around other people sharing things in-common. You receive more empathy and support. You still have to continue honing your interactive and communication-skills. There is no getting around that. Go online and do your research.
Never allow people to slight you, or say hurtful things about your son. You have every right to come to his defense, and to show your indignation. Although, you shouldn't have to. Sometimes, that's all it takes to set things right. Sometimes not.
You don't have to swallow or tolerate her insensitivity to protect the friendship. She is an adult. Accountable for the things she says, the meaning behind them; and whatever she does to, and around you. If she were a true-friend...a valuable-friend; she would constantly be mindful and aware of this. She would be sensitive to your feelings. Your feelings should count. A true-friend holds that responsibility both in their hands, and in their hearts.
Yes, it is time to distance yourself. Not before you have a heart to heart talk. Explain to her why it is necessary for you to put your friendship on-hold. Inform her first and foremost, that you did not like the comment she made about your son. He is an innocent child, regardless of his disability. You are also done with trying to work your way around increasingly rude and unfriendly behavior. You thought you meant more to her as a friend. Apparently not.
You want to attend the wedding. How can you with a clear conscience? Knowing in your heart how she has hurt you; while celebrating her day? Especially when she has put you in your place. You're not her best-friend, in her mind. That may be only your own perception of the relationship.
As others have advised, it is time to make new friends. There may be an empty-place in your heart for a little while. You fill that with family. If you are single, it is time to start dating. If you are married, get to know your husband's side of the family better. Losing a friend hurts, but friends are replaceable. You also get to choose them!
You should attend the wedding, and take the high-road. You can save your talk until after the wedding; but let her come to you, instead of you going to her. The benefit of going to the wedding is you'll meet new people, reacquaint with others with whom you've lost touch; and you will refresh her memory on how valuable of a friend you have always been.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (22 July 2018):
 You are quite obviously not happy with this friend, otherwise you would not be asking the question on a forum. I always find it strange when people prefer to be with someone unsuitable (be it a friendship or other relationship) than being without a certain person. Surely being without this friend can only be less stressful for you than being with her?
If you don't want to cut her out of your life completely, limit your contact to a level where you have time between contacts to recover. For me though, if you NEED time to get over contact with a friend, you NEED to remove them from your friend group. Friends are supposed to support each other and lift each other, not use each other for some catty agenda.
I too think you should treat this as a wake-up call that you need to put some effort into making new friends. There must be support groups in your area for parents of children with autism. These groups are often a superb source of not only support and help, but also of people who understand what you are going through as they are in similar situations. It is entirely possible your friend did not mean anything bad by her comment about your son's behaviour but, not having such a child herself, she will not have the same level of understanding as another parent who does. If another parent of an autistic child had made the same comment, you would possibly have taken it in a different way. Also they could have offered constructive advice if they had been through the same thing themselves.
I think the constant reminding you that you are not on the bridal table is just catty and classless. It says a lot about this woman as a person. In your shoes, if she says it again, I would smile sweetly and say "Don't think I am not grateful". Don't let her see it upsets or annoys you in any way. My only thought on her saying this is that, perhaps (I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here) she has done it as she thinks you would prefer to be with your son on a different table?
Whatever her thinking, the fact remains that YOU are not happy with the friendship. As someone quite a bit older than you, I truly believe life is too short to waste time with people who pull us down rather than pull us up. If friendship with her drains you, it is not a true friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 July 2018):
 Maybe it's time for you to start making new friends? Maybe other mom's with sons like yours? Or daughters?
For someone to point out that YOU are not in the bridal party it's tacky. It's as tacky as saying I want you to come so you can buy me a present...
While I think it's GOOD that you are not in the bridal party for this woman as that would mean you might have to buy a bridesmaid's dress and other costs. Being "just" another guest is easier and if you decide to not go.. declining is easier too.
However, she might have mentioned that her other two friends are at the head-table and you are not, so you won't be hurt when noticing it at the wedding. Or she is just being a cow.
As for her comment about your son, It might have sounded callous, but she might actually have meant it in a nice way. As in she is worried that someone who doesn't know you or him might not understand the behavior and interpret it wrongly. Sometimes people give advice we don't WANT or without much thought behind it.
I'd think it's time for you to make new friends and not rely on someone who doesn't treat you very well.
...............................
|
