A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What am I doing to push people away or just get used all the time. All my friends from school don’t really bother, any gatherings, I’m usually last resort. If I flash my money and support them, buy them lunch, look after them, they will love to meet me. As soon as I am in a problem, nothing - they all make excuses. So I decided to find new friends, made good connections, but I am never on anybodies priority list. I spend weekends alone, if I make some calls, someone will be willing to do something: they will make effort to see me and reveal: oh I don’t have my wallet. So I would buy them lunch and pay for things jus to pass time. I felt like rubbish afterwards as it was money I didn’t really have. Few days later I got over it, and a friend of mine called me, I was so happy someone remembered me. He gave me some sweet talk, and asked for lump of money within 10mins. I felt so depressed after the phone call I couldn’t end up making it to work next day. I feel like I am only used for something not for friendship. I feel so alone. So gutted. Empty. Like it’s a weekend, and I’m sitting on my bed alone. I sent over 10 people a message asking if they would like to do anything. But only two replies saying sorry. So right now I’m going to go out for a walk, alone. I’m so fed up of being alone. Yes I have a gf for 3 years too. She can’t afford to see me, again it’s me and my efforts.It makes me feel so low, luckily it’s all inside, no one actually knows, I’m always smiling. Like I never ever felt this depressed and weak in life. Nothing seems exciting anymore. Usually more trouble than it’s worth. What could I possibly be doing wrong? At work the rude managers that swear get promotions, friends that treat others like dirt are more popular, being cruel to people is seen as strength. Is it the world or is it me?
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female
reader, gigi33 +, writes (26 August 2018):
I agree with some of these answers, I think this seems like a a bit of both.
Definitely stop paying for your friends. If they are your friends then they wouldn't make you feel like this.
As for the friends who you messaged, I think try not to take it so personally. People all have their own lives and everyone are so busy these days with their own routines, their jobs, their relationships, etc. I have a small social circle of people in my life and it's crazy how much everyones lifestyles gets in the way of meeting up.
I've just moved to a new city after a breakup and a first i felt like i had nothing and no one. But I forced myself to get out there. Going to the gym all the time which i've made a few friends through, joining a sports group which really helped and there's always things like meetup apps. It just sounds like you need a bit of a refresh and meet new people who share your values, but it also sounds like you need to get yourself out your comfort zone, stop leaning on the same kinda people and meet others who share your values. :)
I definitely agree with how you feel about people at work who don't deserve to get promotions are being ahead, friends you know who are so untrustworthy and mean are more popular. I know A LOT of people like this both in work and out of it. It's annoying. It's frustrating.
You sound like a genuinely good person. And sometimes, it seems like good people just get pushed around and we have to see others succeed like this when we put in our all, but i honestly believe in good karma and that eventually we will get what we deserve. I would 100% rather wait for a promotion and good friends to meet and be truly who i am which is kind and honest and genuine, rather than fake and rude etc and be promoted/ popular. Believe in yourself. Super cheesy but it's so true.
Finally, have a think about your girlfriend. if she's skint that's totally understandable that she can't see you. but there has to be some give and take. She can always save up week by week if you really mean that much.
I think you need a bit of evaluation of what you want, try and make a list of goals and go from there.
Good luck! Feel free to message- always here to help! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2018): Wow! You're too young to be so cynical!
I can confirm for you that it is the world, and a little bit of you too! You're a pushover!
You're too quick to reach into your purse. It's rule-of-thumb in some situations that the person who invites you out, it's their treat! So they're expecting you to pay; if you ask them to go out someplace pricey. Suggest that they don't forget their wallets; it's split down the middle! Say it gleefully, and they can reject the offer if they're too cheap! You have to learn to modify unwanted behavior, and you also need to set some boundaries.
If you splurge or show-off in-front of people; their arms become too short to reach for the check. So before ordering, ask for a separate bill. If you want to look like you've always got the money; they'll suddenly become financially-dependent. So always remind friends who mooch that next time it's their treat!
If they didn't bring their wallet, the egg is on their faces! You had better grow a backbone, and stand-up to getting taken for a sucker. It wouldn't happen repeatedly if you didn't fall for it every-time! Seriously, though?!!
It does seem things work in reverse when it comes to how people should behave; but it doesn't follow that you should turn into a pile of poop, because others adopt that attitude. Here in America, we have had an onslaught of racism, hatefulness, and bad-behavior; because some awful man took office, and shows the whole world his butt every-time he opens his pie-hole. I'll stick to what my spiritual-beliefs and God's rules have taught me, in spite of the ugliness.
I can be nice without being taken for a sucker. I don't feel like my friends will turn on me or forsake me; because I have to use the word "no," or tell them "I can't!"
You don't show backbone or stand-up for yourself; so you get rolled-over. You must simply speak-up when it is appropriate to let people know where you stand. They'll learn and they will respect you for your honesty and integrity. If they don't like you for doing so; then remove the title of friend, and kick their bums to the curb. People know a sucker when they see one; but decent people also appreciate generosity and return the favor.
You get to choose your friends. Appreciate the privilege. When it's time for a turnover, you simply have to weed-out the bad-apples. Sometimes you have to be your own company. You also need to learn to say NO, and not feel pressured to buy affection.
When the world gets you down, you turn to family and faith. If you believe in a Creator, you say prayers and worship.
Take mom and dad out to dinner. Hangout with your siblings or cousins close to your age. Treat Grammy and gram-pa for ice cream; or take them out to lunch, and a chat! If you've been neglecting family, and don't mend fences; you're left out in the cold with the wolves. Nobody loves you more than your own flesh and blood! That's where I turn when the world gets too much!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2018): You're not alone. I completely understand what you're going through because I'm in this situation too. I come from a wealthy family, and i didn't realize it was worse than i thought until i was in college. People would want to befriend me only to buy them some fancy things, invite them to luxury restaurants, although i never brag about my wealth, i just love to make people happy and comfortable and make them enjoy the experience. However, it was all a mistake. The more people i let in, the toxic and negative energy they give. I would end up all alone in serious situations. People would just use me inorder to satisfy themselves. I realized how stupid i am, to give all my trust and be generous to the wrong people. People are all selfish, don't be fooled by their smile and kind personality at first it's just a mask to charm you and get what they want. All this charm and kindness is gone when they get what they want. I decided to cut all the ties with them, i restarted everything all over again. I keep everything casual and professional. It even went far to deleting my social media and changing my number, i felt stupid because of what they have done to me. You think that you are alone, trust me you're not. Being alone is when you are with the wrong people who have wrong intentions, you will feel sick after you hang out with them, this is how your guts tell you when you're with the wrong people. Im not telling you to not talk to anyone at all, as i said, stay casual , stay low key, give it time, get to know the person, don't share with them too much personal things. I have 0 friends, when i call someone a friend, it means they are important to me and i appreciate them as FRIENDS. I feel more peaceful without any fake friends, whenever i feel lonely, i go out by myself and enjoy what i do alone. I might strike up a Convo with someone, but i keep it quick and cool, without sharing too much. I feel inner peace when i think about not having to worry to be back stabbed by a friend.You don't want those 10 people you messaged to hang out with to be in your life, it's not worth it, they are not worth your time, neither your kindness.The more low key you are, the more honest and trust worthy people you attract to your circle. Don't chase people all the time. You will appear as desperate, it will give them a push or even feed their ego to make them feel wanted, and at the end, you get ignored.Don't you see how extra social people end up in more drama, more negativity and more problems? Because they let everyone in. Secure your inner energy, you will attract people who are worth your time, great things need time.Focus on yourself, set goals, go practice sports, find a hobby, travel alone, talk and be nice to people but also be casual and cool.Good luck finding people who are worth it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 August 2018):
 While I get that it SUCKS that the people you have around you don't REALLY see you as someone they WANT to spend time with (unless you pay for whatever). I think if I were you, I'd start to find things I enjoy and go alone. If you have hobbies see what is in your area to do/share this hobby and you might meet other people - some of which you WILL have this in common with.
As for hanging out with people and they "ooops" don' have their wallet, then DO NOT pay, just say well, we don't HAVE to get lunch we can just hang out a while (and then if they get "hungry") just suggest you hang out another time so they can GO HOME and eat.
YOU are LETTING them take advantage, by NOT saying NO with words or actions.
My teens volunteer twice a month (on Saturdays) at a cat shelter and have met some really decent kids whom they also occasionally see outside of when they volunteer. While they DO have friends from school, activities and sport making new acquaintances is always good. So maybe if you feel lonely on a week-end - look into VOLUNTEERING. Can be at a animal shelter, with old folks, church, homeless... etc. BE a useful person. You might find that doing something WORTHWHILE makes YOU feel better.
As for making friends, ALWAYS quality over quantity.
As for your Long Distance ? relationship.... Maybe you need to reconsider that. After all, 3 years together and you don't SEE each other in person, that is like having a pen-pan.
I don't think people in general sees cruel people as strong, but as scary and someone to avoid. And any company that promotes people because they swear... well, doesn't seem like a company that is run well or rules by common sense.
Again, like your relationship.... maybe it's time to look for another job? Broaden your horizons. Look what's out there and don't leave the job you have until you find one that seems better.
LIFE is what you make it.
Going for a walk alone is a good depressor, why make it into something negative? It makes you sound like Eeyore.
Find the GOOD things in life, things you enjoy. Life and friends aren't there for your entertainment. Learn to "entertain" yourself. Look for the silver lining, not just focus on the day to day meeh stuff... It's out there, trust me.
Chin up.
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