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Is it that girls just don't find me attractive?

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Question - (28 June 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2008)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *ussy7 writes:

I'm 24 and I've never had a girlfriend. In fact, I've never even had a date or a girl like me. I'm really not having any luck with this! Kinda getting the feeling I'm doomed to singleville forever at this rate

All my friends, including the female ones say I look good and I'm a great person. I've met a couple of girls over the internet and speak to a lot in chat rooms and even they all can't seem to believe or understand why I've never had a girlfriend. I'm not completely bothered or depressed about being single yet, but I don't think I'm far away from it.

Being single isn't what gets me down, but it's the fact that I can't even get a date and the complete lack of female attention that really gets me down. In complete contrast, all my friends have always had girlfriends or girls fancy them so it just makes me feel even less desired.

I'll talk to girls in every place possible. I've got plenty of female friends so I'm OK talking to girls and confident doing it. I make the effort but the girl just won't be interested in me. Because of this, I don't feel like I'm attractive even though I think I am.

I'm just getting tired of it all now, doesn't matter what I do or try, nothing seems to work or make a difference. I really do think though that I've reached that point where there isn't a girl out there that actually thinks I'm attractive or actually does want to go out with me.

If I could get a date then at least I'd feel like someone wanted me and it would give me a little more confidence rather than always being rejected and feeling like I'm not wanted.

Thanks for reading and your help and thoughts are always appreciated

Nas x

View related questions: chat room, confidence, depressed, never had a girlfriend, talking to girls, the internet

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008):

Hey man, I will admit that I have had a few hangups in meeting and dating women. First, you have to realize that this a problem with you. Not the women (most of the time anyways). Also, you have to realize its not about "looks", but you do need to keep your "style" going. Dress clean, look clean, or at least apply some kind of style to your image. Thats about as far as looks matter.

Sometimes, women see a guy as a friend and stick them in that category, in which case you will forever be in that category (the ladder theory). Once you hit this level just let her go and move on because time with her after that is time wasted. Whatever you do, if you find a woman you are trying to get with, dont let yourself fall into this category. Dont be too nice, dont give her stuff, DO NOT HIDE YOUR INTEREST TO HER!

One of the biggest killers in the friend zone is that men usually get there because they dont make their intentions obvious or at least known. You may spend 3 months getting to know her and not have made a move on her only to one day make that move and then find out 2 months ago she declared you as a friend. Sorry, but you need to make a move, be WAY more flirtatious, and try to actually get with her... Dont wait, dont build up a relationship with her unless that relationship contains affection and intimacy.

Thats all for now.

Peace

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

Dash this site is good... something about your question has caused it to respond. Dear Cupid advises you to go and look at http://www.artofthepickup.com/aotp/

Please don't join up or spend any money, but the video is intresting and gives you some tips.... I'm talking about flirting and having fun, but stick to your morals, tell the ladies what is going on with you. They'll think your sweet and tell you just where you are going wrong....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

Hi Naz, if you really look like your picture, then your down right "hot" and it's got nothing to do with your looks.... Not that looks actually matter half the time.

Speed dating is fun and really helps to bring up your confidence a great deal. Read this post from a guy who actually tried it out... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/speed-dating--i-have-two-days-to.html

Right, you need to give up this computer thing. Chat rooms and online friends are a second rate alternative to a woman who you can see, feel and touch. I want you to cut down your time online and replace it with some old fashioned flirting (of the real kind) instead.....

Your from the UK, great, that makes things easier. I want you to go up and flirt with a least five women a day. It dosen't matter if their old, ugly or smelly. Try to find at least two who attract you, and one woman who you think is totally out of your reach.... We're talking flirting here, your putting yourself out and about and the averages suggest that things should work out.

I'm the worst agony aunt on the board, but I keep on talking and sure enough five people out of a million think I'm great and now I've got status and my name in lights... (I even got my little heart back, but it took lots of work)

Your gonna do the same, you've waited long enough for Mrs.Right to find you, now it's your turn to go out and find out where she is. You like women, great, then you know what they like and what turns them on. It's time for you to play young man, and I'm not talking about cheating or lying or leading women on. Just go out and have fun, if you think a woman looks nice, don't wait for an introduction, just tell her. Friends and family are off limits but every other woman is fair game.....

You tell any woman she looks lovely, those women you like, ask them for a date, or a least take them for a trip down the river (good old Thames) or a coffee at Starbucks or lunch in the park. There are ton's of places to take a lady, if wooing and seduction are on your mind...

I've got some pretty advanced techniques too, whereby you can confuse a lady and make her think she's in love, but you got enough to be dealing with now. Here's some advice on flirting and how women respond.... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ladies-tell-me-how-you-would-react-to.html

You asked for advice and we gave it... Now it's only fair for you to make some promises too.... Take some of the advice that's been offered and try them out... Who dares wins.... Seize the day... and all of that.... Go out and be dashing and brave and don't forget to update us and tell us all the juicy gossip. We've given advice and we want to see a return, turn into a Casanova (morally) and tell us how it works out....

PS: Great advice Bfire and spot on about the things that Naz should consider, loosen up on your "whore/madonna" complex, judgemental guys are never cool, continue your flirting and you'll soon find the woman that you seek.

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A male reader, bfire United States +, writes (29 June 2008):

I definitely know where your at. I am almost 23 and have the same issue. Except I think I may be more depressed by it, it really bothers me. I am constantly told, and even asked many times by friends who are girls, "why don't you have a girlfriend?" Right now I am in a foreign country, the girls are HOT, BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, NICE, my type, whatever...but they are ALL my FRIENDS...and thats it! It is annoying to a degree. But I am learning a lot from it, realizing a lot within the last 2 months. But my time is almost up.

I am going to be honest, I am shy. Plus haven't really been leading a super social life for the past 4 years or so, since I entered college. I can talk to girls, be their friend, but somehow never their boyfriend/lover.

But now to you, as long as you know your not alone in this situation.

The best thing I can say, is flirt. The moment you see a girl that you find attractive. Start to flirt with her, show that you are more interested than just friends. Be kind, maybe touch her on the shoulder a few times while talking. Look into her eyes. Depending on where you are, try to move closer to her. If you are with friends and you don't think it is going anywhere with this particular girl, say "I'll be back later" or something, get up and leave. Socialize a bit more with other people to show that you won't give her all your attention yet, especially at this stage of the game. Talk to other girls, even if not interested in them, she will see you doing this, and may open up more because now she is a bit jealous, maybe, even if she doesn't know if she likes you yet.

I think all girls like attention. If they get it with you just being their friend, then they don't need you as their boyfriend. But if you show attention, and then show that if you aren't getting the attention back that you want, you leave. This usually opens girls up a bit more, and want you to come back. If they don't want you to come back, then...it probably wouldn't work anyway. But if girls you know tell you that they think you're handsome but are just your friends, I believe that there WAS a chance, maybe small, that they could have been your girlfriend.

I usually get more attention from girls I don't like, because I am nice to them, because I am a nice guy, but I don't give them tons of attention, and then suddenly they keep trying to talk to me. If they give you attention though, don't let up! Stick there with her. An example last night there was a girl at a bar I went to here, she said "hey how about you buy me a drink." This was her opener... I said, "hmm, how about no..." I really wasn't interested in her, she seemed sort of easy and that is the biggest turn off for me. Then she wouldn't leave me alone, although there were many other guys she could have asked for a free drink, and would love an easy girl for a night.

So want a girlfriend? Find situations to find single girls. But act like you don't really want a girlfriend. Tease a bit. But remember, always be good. Never leave a girl worse off than you met her. Thats my motto. Although hard in a world of today, it is good to be true to people.

Good luck. Although I don't have much experience, this has left me with tons of time to think about it.

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A male reader, hussy7 United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2008):

hussy7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hussy7 agony auntI've tried internet sites but they haven't come good so far. In theory, to meet that ideal person you would really have to sign up to every site to meet everyone out there!

I've tried just about everything. I know people say to be patient and someone will come along, but my friends were saying that to me years ago yet I'm still stuck in the same situation

Sounds strange but true that I do know that girls don't like me. I've asked out several girls over the years, all of which have ended in rejection even though they all say that I'm really nice and enjoy talking to me etc but they just want to be friends. How can I stop getting stuck in the friend-zone all the time?

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A female reader, Rebecky United States +, writes (28 June 2008):

Rebecky agony auntThere are a couple different reasons you haven't found a girlfriend yet...

You have to put yourself out there. Girls LOVE a guy with confidence. If you wake up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Damn, I'm hot!" then chances are you will feel attractive. And, trust me, girls will feel your confidence radiating. We can detect it from miles away.

Another reason you may not be landing dates with girls is because you're always hanging out with the same group of people and going to the same night clubs, etc. You really have to put yourself out there by going to events where you are going to meet TOTALLY new people, whether it's at a new job or a concert or festival, etc.

Also, it could be that you just haven't made a genuine connection yet. When we meet someone, we know within ten seconds of talking to them whether or not we are attracted to them. So, that being said, you may just not have had any genuine chemistry with all the girls you've met so far.

But, just remember, the next time you see a beautiful girl, go up to her, give her a compliment, keep eye-contact, BE CONFIDENT! And most importantly, be yourself.

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A female reader, jeena knows101 United States +, writes (28 June 2008):

i dont think its that ur not attractive but maybe that that one girl hasnt come along. I know that sounds cheezy but its true. Even if it takes 50 years she will come along i promise. And do u know that girls dont like u? Maybe they do but r too shy to admit it even to their best friend. Maybe a girl u know likes u tak a chance and ask her out. And dont be afraid to try those internet dating sites. I will reccomend Match.com it is a great place to go to meet new ppl. I know cuz 4 of my friends have already been married after meeting ppl on their. It isnt for everyone but ther is no harm in trying.

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A female reader, tamsine83 United Kingdom +, writes (28 June 2008):

Mate I wish all guys were as nice as you seem, you may have fallen into the trap of being a guy that every woman wants as a friend. I had a friend all through school and college that has the same prob, and he was gorgeous! Then he met a girl and theyve been together 4 years now. Try speed dating some mates tell me its good, or theres a site called plenty of fish, that has worked for a few of my mates. Also people might think that your in a relationship and thats another reason that they dont try. Some girls a knock back is awful xx

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