A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:If I place a lot of emphasis on how someone looks in terms of partner potential, does that make me superficial? How about if I'm unable to perform sexually unless I find someone very sexually attractive. Often things like having a belly or unhandsome face are a turn off. I recognise that the longest relationships are built on far more than looks, and we will ultimately lose our looks anyway. But my friend has a theory that he looks for something more meaningful and a connection. Physical hotness inspires suspicion in him. He also makes a point of stating that if I was to judge someone based on their looks, I wouldn"t have ever met him. I acknowledge he"s not my physical type. But the best people might be being ignored owing to genetics which didn"t make them conventionally hot and there is little they could do to change that. In addition, attraction can grow over time but if we immediately judge someone on their initial appearance, that cannot happen, but by same token, if im not that physically attracted to begin with, why waste their time? I also feel discounting looks is denying physical pleasure and its not healthy to only see someone for their mind , rather than whole package. Is this his own coping mechanism for being unconventionally attractive (he has a fierce intellect and humour) and his own way to enjoy a relationship without feeling that society doesn't deem his partner hot? I think there is something meritocratic about someone with a healthy strong body, it shows dedication and hard work, its something they built and didn't just inherit (not always). We won"t have our beautiful faces and bodies forever, why should we not enjoy them? I also recognise in myself and many others, we are much more accepting and keen to be accepted by people we consider to be physically hot. My friend told me once half jokingly that "conventionally hot people have to work twice as hard to gain his affections and respect" he recognises that they have it easier, I do believe him when he says this mostly. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016): From a purely scientific standpoint if physical perfection was all that mattered for reproduction purposes then our species would either be crammed full of perfect specimens by now (which clearly it isn't) or we'd be facing extinction. I think sexual attraction is very complex and although it includes what the individual finds attractive it obviously isn't only about that. I have to say over my 50 years that I've found both conventionally good looking and not so people very sexually attractive. It isn't about a 21st Century idea of perfection. People's personal taste is very different anyway and also what is considered physically attractive varies by culture. In the west women seem to be considered most desirable if they are wire thin with no breasts, waist or bottom but in other cultures much more curvy women are considered as physical perfection. I once dated for a short period someone who lifted weights in the gym a lot but soon lost interest as I'm not keen on big muscles. I find them a turn off. My husband has never been near a gym and is noticeably overweight but is much more physically appealing to me. I didn't "make do" in choosing him.I also once worked with a very physically attractive girl who got plenty of attention from all the men at work but they never lasted more than a few dates as most complained she had no personality. I also have a friend that was considered very beautiful in her youth but she often complained that a lot of men were only interested in her looks which I witnessed first hand. All in all I was much happier feeling that if someone was with me they liked me and I wasn't some kind of trophy to impress other people with.Generally like attracts like so if your interest is in your body then you're attracted to people who pay a lot of attention to their physical appearance. I don't think there's anything wrong in that as long as that's not all you care about. Your friend really shouldn't be discriminating against good looking people if he views them with suspicion just as he shouldn't be if they were plainer. My parents were both scientists and everyone they knew was very cerebral. They wouldn't have any interest in people who were not as intelligent as they were, however good looking or not they might be. I don't think my dad cared about whether other people thought my mum was "hot" or not though he would have been bothered if they thought she was stupid.You and your friend clearly have different views on what attracts you to people which is probably just as well otherwise we'd all be fighting over the same person wouldn't we.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 September 2016):
 Your friend is judging and making assumptions about people he doesn't even know, just based on how attractive HE thinks they are. It isn't just opinions he forms, but he takes it further by imposing on them a stricter set of rules, which he claims is all connected to some higher, noble purpose.
It sounds like he's as superficial as he accuses others of being.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (6 September 2016):
Some people have reported getting error messages when trying to respond to your question. It seems to be fine now.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 September 2016):
 Looks are of varying important a to each individual. Attraction (physical, sexual, sensual, romantic, etc.) is all important - it just depends on everyone to decide how important they are to them.
Relationships tend to last longer when you're attracted to your partner's appearance. However, looks so fade and love needs to be much deeper than that.
My advice would be to not discount people who aren't your specific type because they may grow on you and the initial sexual attraction for someone stereotypically attractive could easily not have any real depth, wasting time for both of you too, just like you suggest of someone you're not drooling over. Move on if you don't see a future, but not just if you don't get an instant attraction.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016): Genes determine the way we look and we can't change our genes. Genes are unearned, but they are deep because they are what we are
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