A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about 3 months now. We dated for around a year before becoming exclusive. I have two young (grade school aged) children from a previous relationship. I have been aware the entire time that he is not a fan of children and has very very little experience with them. They frighten him and make him nervous and has basically no desire to be around kids. In fact,he isn't much of a people person in general and prefers being alone much of the time. Ideally,I think he would be better matched with somebody who doesn't have or want children. But we came to love each other,so here we are. The only thing bothering me is the kid factor.Upon us becoming exclusive,he did tell me that he wants to do all that he can to learn to understand children and be more at ease with them. However,thus far he has only met my children a few times,and two of those times were very brief. To me it seems it woud be normal for him to start spending time with not only me,but with me and my children. We live 45 minutes apart,so I only see him on weekends,and I have to arrange for my mother to babysit so I can spend time with him. I work a lot and it would be nice to go and do something with him and my children both once in awhile instead of just taking off with him over the weekend.I'm not sure that this is progressing quite the way that it should be,but I don't want to pressure him. I know how he feels,and want to let him do this on his time. But I'm not sure how long I should wait for things to happen,or if they will happen WITHOUT me putting on some pressure. Everything else is perfect and I don't want to just give up so easily. But the kid issue is starting to look like a big issue. I definetly would like to have a future with him if possible,but right now the future just seems uncertain. How can I ease him into this without making him miserable or feel like he's being pushed? What would be some good ideas on something that we could all do together? He's a quiet person,so something with lots of other loud screaming kids would be bad. Something sort of short lived so he doesn't feel overwhelmed,but long enough for him to start getting used to them a little more. And do you suppose it's even possible for him to change how he views children,or is this a losing battle?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): I'm the original poster of this question. I think many of you are jumping to conclusions. Especially the ones saying I shouldn't have custody of my children! I've devoted practically my entire life to my children,including my social life. I finally decided that I have to have some enjoyment in my life as well,in order to maintain my own happiness. Excuse me for dating,I wasn't aware that single parents weren't allowed to socialize with the opposite sex. He is not a dangerous person. I haven't dated in years,and I don't bring a parade of men in and out of my childrens lives. In fact,this is the only man that has met them at all since I was with their father. I have known this man for over a year,and I can assure you that he is not a psycho killer. He literally hates to even kill a bug,let alone another human being. It's sad how people are so quick to judge others. You should first judge yourself before judging those who you know nothing about. To the rest of you,thank you for your responses to the original question.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 My response is going to be coloured by my own family experience, so take it for what it's worth. My sister-in-law left her husband when their child was just a toddler. She had been married way too young, and decided she was going to catch up on what she missed. The child was thereafter treated to a front row seat for serial relationships, and eventually a sister born out of wedlock and briefly put up for adoption. My niece is, frankly, a train wreck.
My take away from that was that it's really not a good idea to mix children and dating. Children should only meet a date once the mother has decided that he is the one. And there's no way someone who is up front about not liking kids is ever going to be the one.
Pardon me for being harsh, but you're not being a responsible parent when you introduce these people into your children's lives. You are their everything -- you are their rock, the stability in their lives. Introducing uncommitted men takes away from their stability, it introduces uncertainty into their world. If that means you stay single until the kids are 18, so be it -- that's what you signed up for by being a single parent.
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A
female
reader, Empressjai  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 You can't change his mind so and it will be just one long battle so live and let live
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 May 2010):
You could take your children for an outing or picnic and invite him to come along. Maybe, have a birthday celebration or get together party once in a while.
I think you are a sensible and rational person . It is only a matter of time for him to know and familiarize with your kids.
In life, we should always try to look at positive examples and don't be a pessimist ,who see's all things in the negative way.
Even if he does not change his views, it is quite normal ,for many men are probably absentee fathers and do not take much interest in their own kids.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 I just read Ask oldersister's post ,and while I agree that the safety and interest of your children must have priority over your love life, I dissent with the "underlying psychosis " bit.
Why, ASO- if one does not like children must be a dangerous sociopath or psychopath ?
I don't like children, and- you will have to take my word for that :)- I am a mentally and emotionally stable, law abiding citizen. Once I had raised my own kid, I turned my back forever with a sigh of relief to playgrounds, birthday parties,Disney movies,petting zoos etc., and joined happily again the world of adulthood, fine restaurants, stimulating conversations,and very high heels ( which you cannot wear when you run after a child ).
Some people like kids- some don't,that's all...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 May 2010):
I can see why you are worried, but frankly, I can also see very well where he is coming from.
He wanted a girlfriend- and you want to give him a ready made family. He probably wants the time he spends with you to be passionate and romantic,,, and you want to take him to Chuky Cheese's. Oh my.
You will say - he knew what he was putting himself into. He did, and he must really care about you for tryng to adjust to your situation even if he is not at all a kid person. If you want this to work- don't be impatient. You say you don't want him to feel pushed - then don't push him! Let him go at his pace- he KNOWS that if he wants you it's a package deal, so if he loves you he will find the way, at his own speed, to ease himself into your family.
Then, you say it's only 3 months you are an official couple - what's your rush ? It's early !I am no so pessimistic as Soon 567 , but - it's early anyway to have him hanging on with the kids. The relationship is not stabilized enough. What if you break up ? Do you get your kids through the process of familiarizing with a new guy ? And again and again ?... I think the time to get him and the kids closer will be when you'll be sure that he is here to stay. If not forever , at least for a long time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): if you want this to work your kids must be included if after spending time with your kids and getting to know them his views on kids still dont change then im sorry i just cant see how you'll have a future together, maybe he could go to your house for a movie day or something that will keep the kids calm but he can still interact with them or take the kids for a bike ride together all the best with it & as long as he's willing to try things should work out
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A
female
reader, Blondiebrooke69 +, writes (30 May 2010):
Its a tough one but try to do casual things like going to get icecream with him and ur kids and maybe its not a dead relationship maybe he just doesnt understand cuz he still wants life before kids who knows but as long as u dont make ur kids suffer get it a try with an open mind :) good luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (30 May 2010):
If he has kid's love , he has it , If he does not have kid's love, he won't have it no matter how. It is very difficult for a person to change his outlook .
You need to discern if he has kid's love by slowly introducing your kids to him and finding out where he stands.
The earlier you know the better it is.
If he loves you , he should love your kids and he should move forward to show his love for your kids.
If he is unwilling to have any interactions with your kids or did not suggest you bring your kids along when you meet, then you are fighting a losing battle.
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