A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I'm in the situation where I've told one of my good friends that I don't want to see her for a while... The story goes like this: I was good friends with her in high school but she did these little things like made out with a guy I was interested in and I didn't say anything. She also did it with my friends ex even after she repeatedly told her it wasnt very nice of her to do so. She also asked me if she could pursue a guy I kinda liked and I said no. Then I started liking my best friend, who was also her good friend. And even though I liked him she danced really close with him and flirted. He actually liked me too, and I knew he had previously so on our study trip we kissed and she got really upset and cried all night. She told me it was because she didn't want to lose me as a friend, and she thought she would because she knew the guy and I would become a couple?? Very weird but I didn't say anything. We did become a couple and still are today. The first 2 or so months we were together she still tried to dance with him, so much that at one party she wanted to pull him away in the "dark" and he said no, of course and after that she has stopped. My boyfriend told me this. She even encouraged me to kiss another guy at a party and the school year(senior) after she always tried to sit close to him and talk to him and so on. After she had done these things(and more I just can't write everything but she spread a rumour for ex) he didn't really want to talk to her so he didn't . One time I was in a fight with her and my boyfriend didn't do anything other than not talk to her, kinda like he didn't do anyways, she got really weird and "declared" she didn't care about him and I just said "I mean... he's not involved in this but of course he's going to be on my side..." Just a weird situation. Now we're done with high scool and I was friends with her, I had put the past of her weird behaviour behind me even though it hurt. She had a boyfriend but he treated her really badly and when he broke up with her I said that she was going to be fine and she deserved better. She then reapeatedly got back together with him. I didn't support it but of course it wasn't any of my businness. Then one night she told me and my friend to keep her away from her ex, and of course she grabbed him as soon as she saw him . We calmly told her come with us subtly but she ignored us. Later she got really defensive and they were fighting too, and her ex told me to get her away from him. So I said for your own sake, remove yourself from the situation and she got really mean. I then got really sad and all of the old stuff came up. So now after some thinking I thought to my self that I didn't want such negative drama in my life, and what she did to me regarding my boyfriend is just so weird to me that a friend would do that, so I have told her I don't want to see her for a while but that I'm not mad at her. My boyfriend hasn't been friends with her since loooong time because he thought she was so weird with everything, of course he says hi if he sees her but not more... I just don't want a friendship which so often turns to negative things and drama. I have never tried this, I have some amazing best friends and my boyfriend and I are still together. I just can't help feeling bad because she is probably not doing so good when all of this drama is happening, but for me it's just to much. I don't want a friend like that. What do you think? Is it okay for me to remove myself and "give her up" as a close friend at least?...
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 January 2015):
 That's good, just continue doing what is best for you. Toxic people are no good for you, no matter what.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt feels like a weight of my shoulders to not have to be so close with her because of all the negative things. She will probably understand now that I take my distance, even though she didn't at first. sometimes you just have to do whats best for yourself :-) Thanks for the advice!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 January 2015):
 No need to explain it to her again, just AVOID making plans with her or if she tries tell her point blank no, thanks.
Yes, you can still be polite and courteous since you have shared friends. But the day to day friendship, the calling each other, texting, hanging out and chatting? I'd avoid that with her and do with REAL friends.
Maybe, you gave her food for thought. And THAT is a great gift. DOESN'T mean you are now bosom buddies again. Maybe she WILL think twice before creating drama with OTHER friends.
Did it feel like a weight of your shoulder when you told her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told her I didn't want to see her for some time because of all the negativity and drama. She then a week later showed up outside the place I worked and told me that she was going to wait for me untill I was off work, because she wanted to talk. I said yes because I didnt want to be rude. So we talked and she apologized for her behaviour but didnt really understand why I cut her off and said she didnt think there was that much drama or conflict... I said I didnt really need an apology but I just didnt want this drama or fights and that they had been there throughout our friendship... The things she did to my relationship is just a no-go for me! But now she thinks were fine because I didnt want to fight with her so now we have smoothed things out, but I still want to have my distance from her because I dont want the drama or to think about the past. We can be friends who says hi how are you, because we have a lot of mutual friends. But not a close friendship because I feel its a bit destructive as it makes me sad. I think I have forgiven her what has happened but I dont need to be so close with her anyhow. Also her boyfriend/ex? deleted me from facebook and thats childish...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 January 2015):
It's always okay to remove yourself from a situation you feel is negative. I say keep the door open for her to come back if she can put her ex/abusive relationship behind her, and if she's matured and found confidence then she can be your friend again. But let her come to you, and on your terms. Give it some time and space. If she's a true friend, you will be friends again later on.
She is a very insecure girl, and I wouldn't be surprised if she has been sexually abused in her past. Young girls/women who have been sexually abused in one form or another, sadly the typical defense mechanism is to throw themselves at men and flirt/be very sexual. It might be hard to understand this logic, but it is a form of self preservation that is very destructive. It often alienates other women, as they feel the person is trying to steal attention, or steal their boyfriends. What you describe fit very well with the classic case of a sexually abused girl. So before you judge her too hard, remember that there might be more to the story than you know. However, even though I suspect this, NEVER ask her about it. It needs to be something she comes to you with in confidence on her own terms, if there is ever going to be said anything about it. So no digging into her past, Im just saying this to make you think in the bigger picture and not judge her, even though you are free to disagree with her actions.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 January 2015):
I think you two are oil and water. You both do drama when being "friends", and that rarely makes for a good friendship.
Dump her as a friend. Why not? You don't OWE her anything, other then a reason why and a bye bye.
Seems like you have outgrown her playground games.
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