A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 26 year old woman, and I started having sexual relationships when I was sixteen. I've been in two or three serious long term relationships, and all have been loving, and relatively sucessful except for one thing.I'm really not that fussed about having sex - it's not that I don't know what I like (I've tried lots of different things to "spice it up" and most of them just seem a bit silly), or that I can't orgasm (never been a problem, I come to a climax but I still prefer the rush iI get from achieving something productive.) - it's just something that, compared to the other things in my life such as my work, or my hobbies and other ambitions, I really can't be bothered with because it doesn't seem to achieve very much - most of the time I feel like time spent having sex is time I'd rather spend sleeping, talking, or reading a book, or working on something more productive. In itself I don't feel like this is a big problem, I've got no ambitions to have a really active sex life and I'd quite happily never do it again in my life. But of course, to my partners, it's a really important part of the relationship, and they get upset and insecure that I don't seem to be interested in doing it with them - when we do it, it's mainly to shut them up. My current partner has actually said that he may be forced to cheat on me because I can't give him what he wants in bed. I do tend to have sex near the beginning of the relationship, because it makes the other person happy, and that makes me happy - but after a while, when they just expect it as a duty, I really quite resent having to do it. It's just another chore, like laundry, or cooking.The truth is I'm not so much interested in "solving" my problem (I don't think it is a problem any more than someone not enjoying hockey, or comedy shows is a problem), but I want to know whether it's possible to have close and intimate relationships without bothering with the sex part. Is there a way I could rescue my current relationship - or has the sex thing killed it off now?(And before anyone says anything, no I wasn't abused as a child, I had a very stable upbringing and I have no psychologicval sex issues - it's just not what I'm into.)
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ambition, insecure, orgasm, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): Well it seems to me that the problem with your relationships is that you aren't straight forward with your views and feelings towards sex. Also having sex with them in the beginning leads them to expect it in the future. By not creating these expectations then future problems are avoided. You really can't blame the guys to be confused and disappointed when you haven't been completely straight forward about your feelings. You have to give a person the right to choose what they want the same way you can choose whether or not you have sex. Otherwise this cycle will continue to perpetuate itself. Also relationships also are about compromise so maybe you should ask yourself if sexis something you are willing to compromise with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): I feel the same, luckily my boyfriend doesnt want it eather. He cant be bothered, he would rather w*nk off to porn which is fine by me. ive been with him almost 3 years and only had sex about 8 times and we live together. I just dont see what all the fuss is about. I just like someone to cuddle at night.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): Hello again - it's my question.RE: the selfish thing. I have felt that I am being selfish, so a lot of the time I have made myself have sex to satisfy a partner, even though I don't feel like it - but they can always tell that "I'm not really into it" - which is a turn off for them, so there's very little point. I can't fake that I like it when I just don't - I will let them do pretty much anything (oral, anal, S n M,threesomes, whatever, it's all the same to me) but it's just going through the motions and it's completely without passion. The men I'm with get annoyed because although I'm doing what they want, I don't seem to be enjoying it. I don't see how I can make myself like something if I just don't. I definetly don't believe I will ever meet a person who makes me feel otherwise - most of the men I've been with I do find very, very attractive, and I get "turned on" in a way by the flirting and the fun parts of dating - just not interested in the actual physical mechanics of sex. I really hope the rest of you are right - if I could meet someone who didn't demand of me to satisfy their "needs" and would be happy just kissing and talking and doing fun things together, that would be wonderful. I can't say I don't feel like a bit of a freak, or a bit guilty - but really, I'm certain this is just the way I am. I can't change it any more than a gay person can turn straight.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): Unless you find a new partner with a similar disinterest in sex it is a PROBLEM and will ALWAYS be one. Your not feeling like it won't diminish your partner's interest. His hapiness should be enough to make you want to change. It sounds like you don't really care how this makes him feel which makes you selfish. You either care or you don't, and it sounds like all you care about is what you want.
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A
female
reader, Kathh +, writes (29 November 2008):
 Wow! you are lucky to have so much in your life and to be so fufilled. I don't climax through sex regularly but with my current partner I could happily (and do) have sex several times a day, after almost 2 years together its still just about all I can think about ;o) I don't think I'm some sort of sex maniac and I certainly don't say it to antagonise you but I'm telling you because I wasn't always this way, with my ex husband I hated sex and really would really have to be cajoled into it.If you are happy then I am delighted for you! It seems as if you are not alone but I wanted to add my tuppense worth to say with the right person you can feel like tearing their clothes off 24/7.I hope you figure this out in the best way for you, take care.
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A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (29 November 2008):
 I hate to say this but its possible that most men are just not very erotic and don't have a very appealing sex energy that turns a woman on.
I gave up on sex for 10 years. I didn't care if I ever did again and I was okay with that. And then I met Him! Unfortunately, he isn't in love with me. We have been friends with sex for 5 years. I have a hard time looking for someone else because my experience with men and sex is that so few men have "sex energy" or can make sex into a very erotic experience. Basically, its not that women aren't so much into sex, its that so few men have what it takes to make a woman hot for them.
Just my opinion based on personal life experiences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): I couldn't be bothered with it either. I used to have a sex drive and I've had many relationships that were sexually fulfilling but in the last couple of years, all I want is companionship and I could just do without sex completely. I wouldn't mind getting married to someone that feels the same way and we could just have seperate bedrooms. That kind of intimacy isn't that appealing to me whatsoever. I'm not jaded, not bitter, just uninterested.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): I'm not into sex either. I like the companionship, affection and intimacy but the act itself does not interest me at all. i have had quite a few boyfriends and had quite a lot of sex but just don't enjoy it so it's not a case of as all my friends say that they aren't doing it properly. I would rather read, watch tv or have a nice meal. I am extremely tired at the end of the day and this is the last thing I feel like doing. I have a very low libido and rarely even think about it. This has caused problems in my relationships but i can't do it if I don't like it, my husband left me due to insufficient sex. I think everyone is different but make sure you find a long term partner who is similar in his needs because otherwise it won't work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): It sounds to me that your asexual.
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