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Is it okay to ask out a girl from my workplace just for the fact that I find her beautiful?

Tagged as: Crushes<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 September 2018) 16 Answers - (Newest, 5 October 2018)
A male United States age 22-25, *am Wilson writes:

Hello Agony Aunts and Uncles. I’ve recently broke up with a girlfriend (if you can call 1 year as recent). I’m not used to the whole dating game and being single thing but I’m thinking of asking out this girl. I’ve never dated anyone since my break up and the only two other girls I’ve dated turned into SERIOUS LONG TERM GIRLFRIENDS so please bear with me .

I’ve never really “ASKED OUT” a girl before, by that I mean I never been to a date with a girl who has no interest in me (well I don’t know yet) or knows my name for that matter. I’m thinking of asking her out solely for the purpose of me finding her cute. I don’t have feelings for this girl, we’ve yet to meet formally , I’m not head over heels for her, I just think I like her…and well I just want to see if something’s there. We just pass each other by every day and if I were to meet the one I might as well start her.

Is this the right way of starting it slow? There’s two other things though is it okay if we’re total strangers to each other (We don’t know each other’s names) and SHE’S FROM WORK.

I know it’s a big NO but we work in two very different departments and our works don’t interlock, we do pass each other at least once a day but that’s it.

Is it okay to ask out a girl just for the fact that I find her beautiful? I’m the touchy feely kinda guy and I’ve never acted without strong emotions before. Can I get an opinion on how”Normal” or “Crazy” I’m acting right now.

View related questions: broke up, workplace

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntKeep asking and I'll try and keep giving you my thoughts.

I think you should set yourself a goal of going on a couple of dates with women NOT for the purpose of finding your future wife, but just to SEE what is out there.

Just like Gretchen Wiener couldn't make "fetch" happen, you can't FORCE love or a good match.

KNOWING what you want (and I'm not talking about physical appearance here) but personality traits, goals, values, world-view (if you life) should be something you need to think about.

Falling in "love/lust" with a pretty face... is "beginner" stuff. Teenage stuff. You know you need more SUBSTANCE in a partner than just a pretty face.

So go out, socialize meet new people, but TRY and relax with the " I HAVE to find my future wife NOW!" it makes you desperate and well, you know that desperate people don't meet GOOD and HEALTHY matches. They settle. They ignore the red flags.

And... a desperate guy/girl do push away (unknowingly) the ones that have possibility for something good. You wouldn't date a girl who was seemingly desperate, would you?

I'd definitely STOP looking for dates at work. It's not the right spot for it.

And don't beat yourself up for wanting a partner, a family and a white picket fence. For many women that is actually an attractive trait. But like the women needs more substance than a pretty face, so do you. A romantic guy is lovely, but...... BE more than just that.

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A male reader, Sam Wilson United States + , writes (4 October 2018):

Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sam Wilson agony auntThank you Honeypie and WiseOwl, I actually stopped falling head over heels for anygirl who gives me a bit of attention when I stopped dating for a while...but when I decided to get into dating I cant help myself idealizing prospective women.

I apologize if Im being too liberal with the L word I guess I grew up wearing my heart on my sleeve and to be honest I really thought that I would be on my way to being married right now.

I loathe myself for not being through this when I was young.

Over the last few months Ive turned down a few women while I was still hung up with my Ex and now I guess Im just rushing myself again.

I dont see that girl as a possible "the one" but Im also sorry for holding out hope that she is. I know that Im projecting my ideal girl to this woman, and trust me Im teaching myself not too. But I guess the longer you live in a fairytale that harder it is to get a reality check.

I really do hope that all of you dont get sick of my questions...I know its tiring dealing with the inexperienced but if you still have patience please bear with me. Im trying to not be too reliant on DC as I Know this isnt a site to pour my heart out on.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 October 2018):

[EDIT]

"I think you need to curb your enthusiasm, and dial it back some."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 October 2018):

Stop slinging the word "love" around so casually. Attraction is the more appropriate term, when you hardly know someone.

Don't bother your co-worker, listen to our advice. Please!

You have to get over the silly notion of "love at first-sight!" Maybe you're a hopeless romantic; but you still have to rein it in!

There is no such thing!!! Nor soul-mates, or perfect-matches.

You need to adopt a more adult-approach towards dating; but you don't need to lose that boyish-charm! That can be adorable; as long as it isn't too "simple-minded!"

Settle-down a little. I thing you need to curb your enthusiasm, and dial it back some.

You're losing it every-time you see a lovely lady! You have to start taking more interest in personality; and be more selective about compatible-traits in a lady. Things that really matter. You don't fall in-love every other week; unless you're a horny-teenager on hormonal over-drive. You're a man now. Please practice more restraint, and project maturity when you meet women.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThis is exactly why you should have a chat with a person before making a decision.

Love isn't really first sight thing, LUST is.

Because the way a person looks is not really about love at all, that is more their personality, sense of humor, values, morals, standards, etc.

I you got her name did you do a little sleuthing? See is she is even single?

Facebook is really great for "pre-screening" people. while a lot of what people post is inane rubbish you can still gather personal interests, relationship status, and a few other things.

However, if you weren't really attracted to her when you talked to her, maybe just be polite when you see her and look for a GF OUTSIDE the workplace. Good way to avoid drama.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018):

Hi Sam!

I'm a little confused about the negative direction the previous answers took. I know you have essential solved your own question now but I am presuming that when you say to 'ask a girl out' at work you were implying that you would get talking to her first anyway, not walk up to her and simply say "will you go out with me"?

I disagree that a work place has to be a bad place to find a partner. You don't have to listen to adages and stereotypes all the time. Sure it could be more awkward if things didn't work out but I feel that there's no reason things can't stay amiable and friendly if you go for a drink or meal and don't get on or even if you date for 6 months and things don't work.

Wanting to date someone based on their looks is natural! It's a first step. The second step is to talk them and get a vibe which you did and now you know.

I also disagree with the #me too movement comment. It's completely defeating the point if we are avoiding people because of this. That movement should be about respecting others, not avoiding interaction with them!

But don't stop that from allowing yourself to give other people a chance to date at work. I would be sad if there was a great opportunity for 2 people to have a great relationship and it was avoided because of stereotypical concerns!

Good luck in your search my friend :)

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A male reader, Sam Wilson United States + , writes (3 October 2018):

Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sam Wilson agony auntUpdate. So I introduced myself, we had a little chatter. But I feel no connection...the feeling of walking by her down the hall and smiling back at her when she smiles at me was more "magical" than actually meeting her. Once again I have to stress that all my ExGFs welhere pretty mich love at first sight for both parties.

Im beginning to think that maybe asking her out is a bad idea. Weve just met and exchange names but we I havent asked her out or done anything yet. I would normally tell myself that love is worth the risk hands down...but this isnt love right? The first 2 girls I met I jumped the gun without fear but know I dont know If Im just scared or matured enough to know this is stupid.Should I should just look elsewhere?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2018):

As a chick who gets hit on a lot, i must say there's no emptier approach to hooking up with me then asking me out or saying you like me prior to ever even so much as talking to me. Being pretty is fun, but nonetheless these chicks are often seeking something meaningful from someone who likes the person we are, not just our shell. Nothing gets you friendzoned faster really unless shes already been crushing on you herself. The best bet would be to make friends with her, without having predetermined that you like her, in an unbiased way. And if there's chemistry, you'll both notice it.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (30 September 2018):

mystiquek agony auntSam, you don't sound like a dork. You sound confused and inexperienced. This website is here to help people so don't apologize because you don't know something. Most of us here have come to this website at one time asking questions ourselves! When your heart and mind are open you can learn invaluable lessons from others without going through the pain and heartache that they have suffered.

This website is meant to give helpful caring advice and if we can help you in any way that's all that matters. Good luck with everything and don't be hard on yourself. You'll learn in time what works for you. Honeypie gave excellent advice see if you can find out the ladies name, more than likely she is on social media and if you can find her on there you may very well find out all you need to know about her. Good luck!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 September 2018):

You don't come across like a dork. You came for advice and that places you well beyond that. We get posts like yours all the time, and we always caution young men and women to be careful trying to find romance at the workplace. It's risky, and you'll never know for sure how people will react; or if they might take your over-friendliness the wrong way.

Improper behavior around female co-workers can be a liability to your employer. You should always be polite, professional, and avoid situations you'd have to explain; if you get called into Human Resources.

Trust your charms. You've met women before, and you will continue to. As you mature, you'll gain more confidence and experience. Try not to be too superficial. There's more to a woman than what your eyes can see.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018):

Why not start by saying "Hi" to her the next time you pass by each other? Then after a few "Hi", talk to her say that you see her around and wondering which department she works for, ask her name and also introduce yourself. Then start saying "Hi ... (her name)" next time you see her and go from there. Get to know her first, don't ask her out just based on her looks. Genuine girls would hate it if she found out you only asked her out cuz of her looks. Girls want you to appreciate their inner beauty more than their outward appearance.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThe workplace is not Tindr...

You do't "swipe" right on a girl at work because she is hot..

Come on Sam! Use a little common sense.

BUT if you WANT to get to know her.. how about MAKING the effort to get to know her? Like say hi, my name is X I work in Dept. Y - I have seen you around and I figured I would introduce myself.

If she is polite OR interested (or both) she will give you her name and you can go from there.

You don't know her from Eve. You don't know if she has a BF/fiance/husband or a GF.

TAKE the time to talk to her a little, if you are SMART you might get her full name and you can google (or Facebook) her and know a LOT more before you invest more time and effort into this.

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A male reader, Sam Wilson United States + , writes (29 September 2018):

Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sam Wilson agony auntSorry for sounding dumb, but I really dont have much experience with women. All my relationships started out miraculously easy and I really dont know how to meet women "tradionally".

Previous girlfriends were simple...we meet (unintentionally), we talk (they give massive hints that se wants to go out), we fall in love.

I never actively looked for women before. So I really do apoligize for sounding like a dork.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (29 September 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI strongly caution you to date someone that you work with. It can cause unwanted attention drawn to you, gossip and the list just goes on and on. To make matters worse, in house relationships rarely work out and then you are left trying to figure out how to carry on knowing you will see that person, possibly have to work with them or spend most of the day trying to take paths to avoid seeing that person.

Asking a girl out just because she's beautiful when you know NOTHING about her?? I agree with Wiseowl it sounds like something a teenager would do. Use your thinking head Sam...this isn't really a very wise thing you are considering doing. I'd steer clear of getting involved with someone at work. People LOVE to talk do you really want to be the center of the water cooler gossip?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (29 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou know nothing about this pretty girl except that you find her attractive. You don't even know her name, so you obviously don't know if she is in a relationship, or even if she is straight or gay. You certainly don't know if she finds you attractive or appealing in any way.

Dating work colleagues (even if they don't work in your department) is seldom a good idea. If/when the relationship falls apart, you will still have to see her every day. This makes getting over the relationship so much harder.

The work situation aside, would you consider it appropriate to walk up to a completely random pretty stranger on the street and ask her out, just based on finding her pretty? I would like to think you wouldn't. That may seem funny/appropriate in rom coms but, in real life, it could end up really badly and messily. How would you feel, having to see her every day, if she laughed in your face and turned you down flat? (You don't even know if she is a nice person so this could happen.) Surely first you would try to make eye contact, then perhaps nod or smile, then say "hi", rather than jumping in and asking her out. If you insist on going ahead with this infatuation, then at least lead into it in a more "normal" way, otherwise you will probably scare the living daylights out of this pretty girl. Also remember, if she is that pretty, she probably has guys hitting on her all the time. Perhaps building up a friendship first would be a more appropriate and ultimately rewarding way to get to know this young lady if you really cannot find any other suitable candidates outside your work environment.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 September 2018):

We're all in the mist of "#me too movement;" and you're asking how to approach a woman at work?

Your workplace is the last place on earth where you should be touchy-feely!!!

Had you considered she could have a boyfriend, might be engaged, or already married?

All you see is her good-looks? That's the only reason you're interested? How absolutely "horny schoolboy" of you!!!

Well, my friend, that kind of frat-boy mentality gets a lot of fine young fellows in deep crapola! She may not find you as attractive, and may not like guys hitting on her at work.

Be cordial and polite. Politely introduce yourself, without making any flirtations. At least learn her name and look at her ring-finger. Workplaces are not where you can fish in a barrel for dates. The ladies were not hired for your dating and entertainment pleasure.

Man-up, you're too old for boyish crushes! Even if she works in another department, your job is not your dating pool.

It's best to just be friendly, and see how receptive she is. If she's cool and standoffish. Keep your professional distance! If she seems to start conversation easily and tries to hold your attention; at least she doesn't mind you talking to her. That doesn't necessarily mean she wants a date!

My advice. Don't date women where you work. When things go south, you have to face them every workday; or they could sabotage your job out of scorn. Don't think with your dick, use your larger head. The one with the brain in it.

Date ladies you meet away from work. You're acting quite normal, if you were still in high school.

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