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Is it ok to text a FWB every day?

Tagged as: Friends with Benefits<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 September 2013) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 September 2013)
A female United States age 30-35, *ovemeright11 writes:

I am recently out of a relationship, but I would still like to find a guy to have a no strings attached kind of relationship. I have met this person I think. I think he may actually care about me which is great and makes me only not sure what is okay and not okay. Do I call him or text him like I would my own bf or is this something that should take a slow tone? I am new to all this. The best thing about this guy, is being able to discover what it is to be touched in a passionate way. I have not had that for a good few years. I just feel so new to all this and want to not do anything to turn this guy away. He told me to text him anytime I just don't know if I say something to him everyday if it would be too much. Any advice is good thanks.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (2 September 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntAhhh Sage, I am not a guy but sometimes I wish I was. Sadly I have learned from experience. I hate to tar all with the same brush but sadly the odds of finding a decent guy who won't play this particular game are slim and its much harder as you get older.

All you can do is learn from your mistakes I guess. I feel for this kid, I don't think she knows what's she's getting into...going to be a huge heart break!!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (2 September 2013):

CindyCares agony aunt Yes, dear OP, it sounds like your ideas are a bit confused about what the situation would entail . I am afraid you'd be biting more than you can chew.

First of all , not only texting him daily is very relationship-y and I think he'd be far from happy with that and would put a stop to it, or just ignore you, but : why would YOU text daily your FWB as if he were your bf ? To say what ? He is not your bf , he is a FWB. The extent of time / attention / emotional intimacy you 'll give to each other is limited . ( Or, I am afraid that you'd try to give him a lot- and he won't recripocate ).

You say that he seems to care, and you are glad he cares . Wrong. 1) He does not really care, if he cared he'd date you, at most he cares somewhat , very superficially . 2 ) You say you only are looking for something NSA, so why would YOU care whether he cares or not ?.. As long as he can show up and perform at the appointed times, that's all that should matter to you.

Look, I am not saying that FWB MUST be only rapid, animalistic hookups where you do the deed and 5 minutes later you are on your way home without a glance back ( although, in practice , that's how often it ends with being ). At least in theory, you are supposed to be FRIENDS ,who also occasionally have sex together, and yes there are people that live this kind of arrangement in a more friendly, affectionate, civilized way... adding a dinner together or a nice long chat or plenty of cuddles to the sexual entertainment.

But it's still all different than having a relationship, it's a much more superficial, casual, transitory setting.

There's no projectuality, no planning for the future- most of all, there's no real interest or curiosity in getting to know the other person well and coming to be part of his / her life. It's a " if I see you it's fine, if I don't it's fine as well " situation.

Based on thes premises, why would you text him every day, to tell him about your moods, inner thoughts, joys and sorrows... ? As if he cares. Again, if he wanted any part of that, last thing he'd offer you would be FWB.

To inform him punctually about your day , that you went to the dentist, had to have a tooth pulled , luckily it wasn't very painful etc.etc..... Ditto. He will be just very moderately curious,if any- he won't need the update , in a little while he'll feel suffocated and imposed upon.

All in all, i'd think it twoce if I were you, you risk getting hurt, at least in your ego.

It sounds like you expect more intimacy, more connection, more companionship from this arrangement than it is supposed to give.

FWBs are either for busy , secure women who have it all together and REALLY only want physical release, and don't give a damn about how it turns out or how many texts they get .. Or, alas, for vulnerable, insecure women who at some level feel they can't get or don't deserve a real relationship, so they'll just make do with a half ( and half assed ) one .

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (2 September 2013):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntAuntyEm: Are you sure you're not a guy? Where (else) would you get all that confidential information that you had to have available in order to give that great response to this submittal?????

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (2 September 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntI don't think you know what you are getting yourself into.

The biggest lie women tell themselves is that they are OK with no-strings sex and they WON'T get attached.

It's actually almost impossible for a woman to have sex and NOT form an attachment to a man, because their body releases Oxytocin which is the same hormone released in pregnancy which helps a mother bond with her baby.

Imagine having sex with a guy, forming a bond, assuming that he has formed the same bond (which he can't cos it's just about sex) and then him dumping you, or just continue using you for sex without having to commit to anything else...THAT'S WHAT FWB'S ARE ALL ABOUT!!! Are you really going to feel good about yourself after that?

Another lie women tell themselves is 'Having sex with a man will make him want you and love you more'...WRONG AGAIN!! NOT if you slept with him too soon, or didn't get to know him well enough or spend a lot of time beforehand so he could get to know you!!...even after all this, a guy can just dump you if someone better comes along...happens all the time.

You are also newly out of a relationship and that makes you vulnerable and easy prey in mens eyes. They will know exactly which charms to turn on to get you into bed. They will tell you that they understand that your hurt and that they won't do that to you. They will tell you that you can rely on them and cry on their shoulder and call them anytime!!...they will tell you anything you want to hear JUST TO GET YOU INTO BED...and when the deed is done, they will dissapear before the sheets are even cold!!

You need to be aware that this happens every day in every country all over the world and there is one cure for this, one thing that will stop this happening to you...

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH A GUY UNTIL YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, even if you have to make him wait until you are completely sure...and even then , there are no guarantees.

Do not give yourself to just anyone who talks sweet nothings to you, because it's the oldest trick in the book and it doesn't just happen to young women. I am nearly 50 and it has happened to me and most of my friends also.

FWB was created so men DON'T have to pay a prostitute and DONT have to make any commitment.

Think before you get into this.

EM x

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A female reader, Lovemeright11 United States +, writes (2 September 2013):

Lovemeright11 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lovemeright11 agony auntIi'm just new to it honestly, I don't know anything that's why I am asking. thanks.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (1 September 2013):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntSince "FWB" is a difficult-to-describe arrangement, it is OK for you and your prospective "F" to make up whatever rules you (two) wish..... I have checked my "Book of being a Guy".... and the page for "FWB rules" is blank.

Good luck....

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntFWB is just a casual hook up. I think it's usual just to text to arrange a time and place...there isn't really any need to get friendly, chatty or involved because it's just about sex. If the guy just wants you for sex, he probably only wants to hear from you when arrangements are being stick to that to avoid confusion.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013):

I think that texting an FWB every day is too much. Daily contact means that they are part of your daily life which equals relationship rather than casual friendship.

It also means that when the arrangement ends (and FWB arrangements always do) you will be left with a much bigger hole in your daily life which is harder to get over.

It sounds to me from your post that you would actually prefer to have a proper relationship so please please tread carefully and don't get to close to this guy if all he wants is FWB.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (1 September 2013):

janniepeg agony auntI am sure if you text anything that makes him feel good, like a man he would welcome it. FWBs are about all the fun minus responsibility and chores. Some people have problems with reporting their lives. With texting it's hard to know how to respond sometimes. You will know when it's too much when he takes time to respond. You are free to express your mind. Unless your texts are obsessive and too frequent you should be fine.

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