A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy for well over a year now. We attended high school together but didn't really know one another. We have a mutual friend 'Jeff' that I slept with one time almost 20 years ago after we all graduated from high school. I did not disclose this info to my boyfriend but he says he always knew. Our friend 'Jeff' is now married and his wife and I have become best friends. He told his wife about our one night stand and she confronted me with it. She and I discussed it almost 10 years ago and made peace with it. She doesn't have any issues with the situation. My boyfriend never once mentioned to me that he knew about 'Jeff' and I, but he did say that he asked me if I had been with anyone in our circle of friends and I told him no. I do not remember having this conversation with him because when he recently asked me if I had slept with 'Jeff' I told him the truth. Now after dating for all this time, he says it bothers him too much and he no longer wants to continue our relationship because he doesn't condone 'smashing homies'. He says that I should have told him from the beginning and so should have 'Jeff'. I need help understanding why he is unwilling to work this out at this point. He said he knew from the beginning about 'Jeff' and I and that he was waiting for us to tell him about it and make sure he was ok with it. Is it me or is my boyfriend using this as an excuse to break up with me?
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male
reader, aresu  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 you said that he recently asked you if you slept with jeff, then i dont see how he had the power from day one to say no if he only knew recently, and then there is the fact that when he asked you long ago if you had slept with someone of your social circle you said no, so no he didnt know this from long ago and for some reason you feel that this shouldnt be a problem for him. the truth is that everyone can feel whatever they want when presented with an issue, maybe you dont feel that is a big deal, but for him and a lots of other people will be an issue.
honestly if i was in his shoes i wouldnt take it either, i wouldnt want to deal with the knowledge that my partner still keeps in contact with a previous sexual partner, specially if once you were asked if you had had sex with a previous mutual friend. and another thing i dont think is fair that whenever a man has a problem with a woman sexual past then is the mans fault and he must have a mental dissorder or something, this 'retrogade jelousy' is just an excuse from women to disregard their responsability in the problem and pin it all on the man and wash their hands from it.
but we could be all day here discussing if you think is fair, or if the other aunts think is fair if he shouldnt leave or whatever, at the end of the day everyone can end a relationship from whatever the heck they please, it could be from something as stupid like from your hair color or the tone of your voice, to simply nothing at all, and if this guy wants to end the relationship he can and will if he really wants, so i dont know what is the point of this discussion honestly.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): In fact he knew about the fling and he knew you were keeping it secret. But you didn't INTEND for him to know it.
If you'd had your way then he would not have known for the whole year and he would have spent time building up his feelings about getting serious with you. Then his feelings would have either gotten shattered when the truth came out. (Or else he would have remained permanently in the dark about something that no self-respecting person wants to be in the dark about.)
Your INTENDED outcome would have felt malicious to him, not just like you made an innocent mistake. So that is why he feels justified in treating you maliciously.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI disagree with you bc if I was being malicious then I would have lied to him when he asked me. I have owned up to my part. I'm trying to make it right. I was not ignorant to the possibility that me being with Jeff 20 years ago might cause issues with my BF, I just thought that it was not a big deal. I am in no way telling him how he should feel here, I just need him to own up to the fact that it did not have to go this far. He had the power from day one to say no.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): Okay so you are hurt because you feel that your BF maliciously misled you about his intentions. I agree with you that he has been hurtful about how he has handled this.
But I still dont think you are owning up to what you have really done wrong here.
I don't think you misled your BF because you truly did not know this past fling might cause any trouble. If you were TRULY ignorant then you would not have seen a reason to keep it a secret.
I think you misled your BF because you suspected how he might feel. You may have underestimated how strongly he would feel about it. But I don't believe for a second that you didn't know the fling could cause any negative feelings or complications at all.
This makes a big difference because it makes YOUR actions malicious to your BF.
I'm sure your misleading does not seem malicious to you because this old fling is not important to you. But you don't get to choose how other people should feel about things you do. Your BF has the right to his own feelings about this.
Your BF purposely tricked you into getting involved with someone that you could not get too serious with. But you were trying to purposely do the same thing to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I do understand that sex carries repercussions. I dealt with those long ago as it relates to Jeff. But so does stringing someone along without feeling obligated to being honest about your intentions. My BF is wrong for doing that just like I was wrong for not disclosing info that I thought was unimportant. My point is no one is perfect and it feels that he is punishing me more for my sin when in fact he is a sinner too. I need his compassion as I have given to him. I know now that with his attitude it will never work out but I did not tell out of malice; I did not tell bc I don't talk about my past sexual experiences with present BFs. He did what he did with malice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question20 years is a lifetime ago. I still have regular contact with my kids father.So does that mean that my BF has a problem with that too? I don't see Jeff as much as my BF does. I spend time with his wife. For over a year my BF has known this info and chose to stay with me and remain friends with Jeff. So why is it now such an issue that he wants to break up? Nothing had changed except I asked him to step up to the plate and now it's such an issue? That's an excuse to not be in a relationship plain and simple and if he never intended to get serious with me then I feel he should have told me that from the beginning. Not let my feelings get all involved and then decide to make something from 20 years ago the deciding factor in this relationship. He needs to own up to his part in this as I have and he doesn't feel he did anything wrong and that's wrong.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (10 August 2012):
"I don't understand why this is relevant to today. None of my other encounters is. Jeff and my BF are not BFFs. Jeff's wife and I are, so why is my sexual past with Jeff any more important than my history with Joe Shmoe?"How is it you aren't getting this? Jeff is a fixture in your life because you are BFFs with his wife. You see him all the time and will continue to do so. Other guys you have slept with you no longer see regularly like that. There's the difference."Honestly I don't get this. Please help. Is it just a male ego thing or am I way off the mark here?"It is not a male thing. There are both women and men who have a problem with their significant other staying in contact with people they have had sex with. Jeff's wife had a problem with it, the difference is she was able to get over it. Other people cannot, or they choose not to and instead move on.I think what you're missing here is that sex has repercussions. Jeff knows you intimately, and he has regular contact with you. You just have to accept that this fact will be a problem for some men.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): Change the story from "we had sex once 20 years ago" to "we were in a serious relationship".
Does that make it easier to understand why this past thing should have been disclosed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust Helping Again,
I don't understand why this is relevant to today. None of my other encounters is. We all hang in the same circle yes but Jeff and my BF are not BFFs. Jeff's wife and I are, so why is my sexual past with Jeff any more important than my history with Joe Shmoe? Honestly I don't get this. Please help. Is it just a male ego thing or am I way off the mark here?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Read "JustHelpinAgain"s last post.
It is disrespectful to keep it a secret that you have slept with someone you or your partner interacts with today. Your partner does not have the right to know everything about your past. But this part of your past is relevant to the present.
Is the sexual fling ancient history? Was it meaningless in the first place? Never to be repeated? Barely even remembered? Are you embarrassed that it ever happened? All that is beside the point. This is a matter of showing respect for your current partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys I really appreciate the input here. I have looked at it from my BF's point of view, he just can't see it from mine hence no compassion. He just feels its best to walk away and not deal with the pressures of being in a relationship. I agree that it is best for him to walk away if he refuses to work on the issue-I can't do it by myself. I just didn't think it mattered enough to him since he didn't mention it. It doesn't matter much to me and Jeff either because no one else knew about it besides except Jeff's wife, so I thought. I've never told anyone and I assumed Jeff didn't either which is what he said. I think my BF was just fishing and he caught me in his line-just my take on it. Thanks again.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (9 August 2012):
OP, consider for a moment that this mutual friend Jeff told his wife that you and he slept together. Now can you see where the perception you were trying to hide something comes from? You answered honestly about it when asked directly, but you waited for your boyfriend to ask you about it. You didn't volunteer that information like Jeff did with his wife. It is not uncommon for people to want to know if the person they are dating has a history with any of their friends. Jeff figured as much so he told his wife (probably girlfriend at the time), and she confronted you. For some this is a deal breaker, so it is best to get that out of the way early on.
I also think you aren't looking at this from your boyfriend's perspective at all. Have you considered that he had heard a rumor about you and Jeff long ago, but thought it may just have been a rumor? Perhaps he also did ask you about sleeping within your circle of friends, but Jeff didn't come to mind at the time and you didn't think much of the question, so you don't remember him asking. In that light it is easy to see how a year can go by. Your boyfriend asked, you said no, and he left it at that. Still, it must have been nagging at your boyfriend for him to have brought it up again. This time he specifically inquired about Jeff, and he got the answer he was dreading.
Anyway, I think the best thing to do here is just let the situation go. There's no sense in tormenting yourself further. You cannot change your past, and your boyfriend cannot accept it. It's time to move on, I'm afraid.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (9 August 2012):
OP if you didn't think it worth mentioning then, why do you now? I would call that lying of sorts. But its not the lying that is the issue. You could have lied about lots of things and he wouldn't have cared. But you misled him about having sex with someone he knows. Its clear that many women use the RJ cop-out to remove their responsibility for the pain they are causing someone who loves then. It totally ignores the male dynamic on sexual partners. We all accept that our partners had sex with other unknown people but it gets much more complicated when the people know each other. To a woman it may have been really poor meaninless sex, but to your partner the other guy will take pleasure in smuggly making it obvious he 'had' you. Nothing puts a guy down more. I've been on both sides here and am now somewhat ambivilent. Its really dumb but that how a lot of guys are 'wired' !! Probably an instinct to increase the chances our sperm gets to the egg first, ie. don't waste your time on that woman as another guy has already had her! This probably worked well before we had love and emotions to deal with. The only guys I know who don't care about this also don't care too much for anything more than the physical relief their women can give them. If you want to stay with your guy then you have to understand each other and have compassion for each other, undo the pain you have caused each other and cut ties with the other couple. I wouldn't dream of my wife having to befriend any of my exes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie. I will do some research here on retrograde jealousy.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 August 2012):
 Maybe your BF suffers from Retrograde jealousy ( there are a few Aunties/Uncles on here who knows a lot about this, so try and do a search).
And I agree I don't think anyone HAS to disclose ever detail and every single name of their past bed mates. Some people say that want to know EVERYTHING about their partner and the partner's past when in reality they don't. Not sure why they think they do.
Any how, I'm sorry he is using THIS as his excuse. I think it's more about him then you.
Put him back in the pond and try again, but don't let his actions spoil it for the next guy you meet.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Okay so there is lying on both sides here.
Actually, I think the lying equals out more than you might realize at first glance.
You misled him all along by lying about sleeping with a friend of his. Between the sex with his friend and the lying about it, this was a deal breaker to him. So you weren't telling him something that ruins his chances of getting serious with you.
He misled you by pretending not to know that you were lying to him. So he wasn't telling you something that ruins your chances of getting serious with him too. (You may not think your past hookup & silence should be a deal breaker. But its not your place to decide how he should feel about your actions.)
I'm sorry you are being treated like this. But he probably feels mistreated by your lying too. I think it too both of you to end up with this mess. Either way it sounds like a breakup is in order.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to all for your perspectives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I don't get why a man feels that I'm keeping secrets about my past sexual history. Don't I have a right to privacy? I'm not saying that in hindsight it was a good decision, but what makes what my BF did acceptible? He had just as much knowledge and power as I did and chose not to disclose as well. Ease help me understand...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Don't put yourself through it any more. He's also said he doesn't intend to marry you because of this situation. It is not his right to punish you over one night 20 years ago. Take your power in the situation back and finish with him, otherwise he will hold this over you the whole time together and that is not good for you or him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): The reason they call it "lying by omission" is because it is lying.
When you have a steady relationship today, the way you must deal with an ex-BF is different from the way you treat a platonic friend of the opposite sex. Everyone understands there are different rules for one type of existing opposite-sex acquaintance than the other.
But the arguments usually appear when it comes to casual hookups, etc. Women tend to apply different rules to sex-only flings than a real ex-BF. But MEN DO NOT APPLY DIFFERENT RULES TO SEX-ONLY FLINGS. Not when it comes to keeping secrets about people that are still around in your lives today. If it would be wrong to keep it secret that you had a relationship with this person 2 years ago, then it is wrong to keep it a secret that you slept with him 20 years ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie,
I then went on to say that I do not remember this conversation with him and when he recently asked me about it, I told the truth. I would not lie although I did fail to tell him. I truly believe that my past is just that-my past. This has opened up a can of worms because now I find that I have to explain all of my past. I feel that his questioning is disrespectful. Now I have to explain everything and everyone which is unfair. I love him and am very angry with him because he now says that he never considered marrying me because of our friend 'Jeff' and he knew he would never be serious with me from the start of our relationship. Why would he string me along? I was honest with him from the beginning and told him I wanted to get married one day. If he didn't feel I was marriage material, why not walk away? And not only that he confronted 'Jeff' and now they are no longer friends because he feels Jeff should have told him since they were friends. I am so confused.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 August 2012):
I will quote you:
My boyfriend never once mentioned to me that he knew about 'Jeff' and I, but he did say that he asked me if I had been with anyone in our circle of friends and I told him no.
Isn't that a lie? Omitting the truth is a lie.
But I still think he was looking for something he can throw in your face, something where he has the "power" of knowledge over you and honestly that is petty of him. He OBVIOUSLY (at least in hindsight) knew about it, but he assumed he had a right to know. Not sure I honestly agree with him. It was a one night thing, long long ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk guys. I have no idea where you got that I LIED to him from but I NEVER lied to my BF. I just never mentioned it nor have I mentioned any sexual encounter to him. I only answered his question when he asked me about the situation. Yes I did omit but that is my choice I thought, to leave my past in my past. Thanks for your comments.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (8 August 2012):
Well OP, I have to say that if I were your boyfriend the history you have with 'Jeff' would be a dealbreaker for me, too. I think sex changes things, and do not believe that going back to platonic friends is possible or a good idea once two people have been intimate. It may have been a one night stand 20 years ago, but the fact is you did have sex with Jeff. Since you are good friends with his wife, as well as his friend, he will continue to be in your life. I am not a prude and I enjoy sex as much as anyone else, but I am not a believer in casual sex.
Obviously there is a difference in the way that Jeff's wife and your boyfriend reacted to the same information. In the case of Jeff's wife she was able to accept it. Maybe it was because he proactively told her about it, which led to the confrontation 10 years ago. Your boyfriend saying you should have told him lends some credibility to that thought. Alternately, maybe it is just because that's the type of personality Jeff's wife has - the ability to look past something like that, while your boyfriend cannot.
Either way, I think you will have to respect your boyfriend's view on this and move on from the relationship. He can't help his feelings, and if it bothers him that you slept with Jeff 20 years ago then there's no getting past that, unfortunately. I'm sorry this has a sad ending for you.
Best of luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 August 2012):
Well lying is never good. Honestly is always the best policy. Why did you even lie about having slept so long a go with someone who is in your circle of friends?
However this happened 20 year ago when you and the BF didn't even know each other. Since you have met him you have been faithful.
I think he might have been looking for an excuse to break up and the "Jeff" excuse works for him. Honestly, why not end it? He will hold this over your head as long as you date.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): You are looking at this saying "It didn't matter to him for a year, why does it suddenly start mattering now?" There is another way to look at it. Maybe it mattered all along. Your BF was originally concerned enough about this old casual encounter to ask you about it way back when he first knew you. You lied and told him it didn't happen then. So he was probably trying to do the right thing all this time: Give you the benefit of doubt, shut up about it, and just try to put it out of mind. But now that you have changed your story it has become the version that was bothering him from the outset.Like it or not, your past sexual choices do matter to the average guy, especially when he knows any of them. Just because he wasn't talking about it doesn't mean it didn't matter to him. Your lying also proves you untrustworthy on these matters which is a HUGE red flag for most guys. The hookup itself may have been a long time ago but everything else about it is not. The guy you were lying about is still around to your BF today. And you have been lying about it the whole time your BF has known you, which brings it right up to the present.The socially acceptable rules that guys are always given about womens' sexual history is to shut up about it. We are told not to give our GF any crap about her past even if it bothers us. We are supposed to either live with it in silence or break up without inflicting any more hurt than necessary. That sounds like exactly what your BF has done. I'm sorry this story does not have a happier ending but I do think your BF has handled his feelings appropriately. You have the right to your past choices and the right not to have them held against you. Your BF has the right to his feelings and not to be with someone whose choices are morally unacceptable or emotionally painful to him. If these two things cannot be reconciled then a healthy relationship is not possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): It does sound rather pathetic that he would get annoyed over something that happened before he was in your life and before jeff was even married. If I were in your position I would be thinking the same as you, that this is a pitiful excuse for trying to break up. Just because he is your partner he shouldn't be expecting to hear the ins and outs of your whole life and sexual experience before him regardless of who it is with. All that actually matters is that you are faithful to each other for the duration of your relationship. If he still acts like some great injustice has been done against him because he knew but no one told him the next time he brings it up I would give him a choice "you either accept its the past and focus on making our relationship or if you continue to drag up something I cannot ever change we separate - what is going to happen" I would be quite straight to the point in telling him that he is being unreasonable and it's a good time to ask him straight if he is just finding any excuse to end the relationship?
We can speculate and offer our opinions but asking him straight will be your best option because hopefully you'll get to the bottom of it. Good luck.
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