A
female
age
51-59,
*atherine2081
writes:Hi need some advice. My Husband and I have had separate houses for the past six months.He although lives at mine most of the time. The reason we ended up in separate houses was he was unable to bother with my two children from a previous marriage who are only six and eight. He said it was because his ex would not let him see his kids of same age and he felt guilt. We have a one year old together. In the time we were in same property at our previous home he lied to me constntly was devious mean with money and cheated. I had to sell my home which i had before i met him as his playing around whilst i was pregnant nearly destroyed me. Since we have had seperate houses he has been better he does now bother with my kids although he has not sustained it in the past he sees his kids etc does not go out etc.Hewants to move back in. I was scared as I gave him chances before and he has let me down. He now says he wants to be on the tennancy or rental agreement so he feels its his home too and I cant tell him to go. In the past I only told him to leave in serious matters. I see his request as an indication he feels he cant sustain the way he is acting and may go back to his old ways.He is going to give up the tennancy on his house and sell his furniture. I am about to tell him he can move in but i wont put him on the tennancy agreement as i cant risk up rooting my kids again if he cant sustain it, We have a great house and the kids love it here and they were so unhappy before. Do you think i am right or am i at all unfair
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): First of all, I feel so bad for you. This guy has treated you appallingly in the past. He has lied, he has cheated, and he has been unbelievably mean in every way to you. He has given you every reason to distrust him.
Not only are you well within your rights not to put him on your tenancy, you are doing absolutely the RIGHT thing in protecting your home, and that of your children, in the event that he lives up to his past behaviour. Please, PLEASE do not give in to emotional blackmail on this subject. If he loves you, he will understand that he has hurt you in the past and that he needs to earn your trust with a much longer period of good behaviour than the few months that he has managed to date. He will also understand that, as a brilliant mother, your first priority has to be looking after your wonderful kids, and putting their welfare first. If he's just out for what he can take from you, on the other hand, he will push to move in, irrespective of your feelings on the subject.
People can change, and relationships can be rebuilt. But you need to proceed with extreme caution given his history. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think it's important that someone says to you: 'PROTECT YOUR FAMILY!' Stop for a second and consider the terms of the 'second chance' you're offering very carefully. Giving up his tenancy and furniture is a very big step - probably too big for the slender guarantees you have that he'll treat you and your family well. While he's behaved well over the past 6 months, I can't help thinking that this move is far more in his interests that yours. You and your kids are currently secure and happy. You shouldn't risk that lightly.
I am afraid to say I don't quite buy his excuses about his behaviour to your children. Being a father figure is a massive responsibility, and not one that should be shirked for any reason. I don't care what his ex thinks or does - her behaviour is not your kids' fault! While he's with you, he should behaving lovingly and caringly towards your children. End of story. Anything else marks him out as a man who isn't really suitable to be in the position of step-dad towards them.
I'm not saying that you should jettison this relationship, but I do think you need to tread carefully. Is there no more gradual move you can make, for instance if he keeps his house and furniture but stays over more regularly and proves that he can be responsible and caring not just towards you, but also to your children? I know it's expensive, but you both then have a 'get out' plan, in the form of alternative living arrangements in the event that he hurts you again. It may not sound very romantic to be so mistrustful, but you yourself have described this man as 'devious' and manipulative. Therefore, you need to defend yourself against the possibility that he is trying to abuse your good, sweet nature and take advantage of your generosity.
Please take care of yourself and your family.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 No you are not being unfair at all you are 100% in the right here. He abused your trust in the past therefore you need to have your gaurd up.
Its good that he is now getting on with your children and making an effort but you need to ask yourself one question before he moves in and that is do you trust him not to cheat again? Because if you dont then am afraid there is no relationship here and it would be better for you to be on your own with the children. You dont want to cause anymore unhappiness to them or to your self.
however if you do want to give him a second chance then agree that he moves in but do not put his name on the tenacy explain to him that this is your childrens home and you dont want them up rooted again if he wants to make it work he has to agree to this and also he needs to still pay half of the rent and bills.
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