A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it appropriate for other girls to come to my boyfriend for comfort and advice? My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Early on in the relationship, he told me he didn't have many female friends and didn't have much contact with girls in general. However, during the time we've been together I've found out that this is really not true. There are so many girls who message my boyfriend looking for comfort and reassurance when they're upset about something or having relationship difficulties. He makes them feel better and tells them how wonderful they are and how the guys who upset them are losers or whatever.While it upsets me that he is always telling other girls how wonderful they are to try and make them feel better, that isn't my main problem here. He's a nice guy and always wants people to be happy so I can understand how he ends up in these situations. However, I don't think it's appropriate for these girls to be going to my boyfriend for reassurance and stuff when they know he's in a relationship. Isn't that crossing some sort of line? Surely they have girl friends who would be better for that sort of thing. I have a suspicion that they're just after an ego boost from my boyfriend. Could I be right, or am I just being overly suspicious?One case that really bothers me, and prompted me writing on here today is actually a friend of mine. She has been having troubles with a guy and yesterday I was trying to get in contact with her to see if she was ok or wanted to talk. My friend completely ignored me, but when my boyfriend messaged her to ask if she was alright, she quite happily told him all about it. I just don't think it's appropriate for her to be crying on my boyfriend's shoulder when I had already been trying to be there for her but got ignored.Unfortunately, if I say anything about this to my boyfriend, I'm going to feel like a huge bitch because he's just trying to be there for people in a time of need. I know he's not trying to get with them, he honestly just doesn't see it the way I do. If I ask the girls to back off, I'll feel awful and mean. I also don't feel like it's my place to ask them to back off from him a bit. What can I do? I feel like I'm stuck. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): I don't think it's appropriate either. These women could go to women friends or see a counsellor. It's not being bitchy to ask him to stop.
Ask him how he would feel if it was the other way round.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Honestly, it's time for women to stop being so needy! And, I am talking about these other women who think it's okay to cry on YOUR boyfriend's shoulder. You are not the needy one. They are. They are disrespectful of you and your relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 I get how you feel. My boyfriend is similar, very nice, always friendly and want to help people out. Girls as well as boys. Now, only a few will call for a shoulder to cry on, but he did have a female friend who had an abusive boyfriend. This friend often slept over at his place, even while he was in a relationship with me. Is it over the line? I think we need to see the bigger picture some times. It is s natural instinct to feel treathened, but just because we see other women as competition, doesnt mean thry actually are. Try to see them as "people", not "seductive women". The picture looks different then.
If by chance these females do want an ego boost, and have secret crushes on him or what not... Well, in that case they most likely feel jealous of you who get to be with this man who makes them feel better about themselves. Imagine how great a comfort he is to you, when he is so sweet to others.
What I think is the issue right now us that you feel your friend has left you out of the loop and betrayed your friendship, when she opened up to your boyfriend instead. I think before you.assume she ignored you, you should calm down and talk to her. It is a good thing she opened up to your bf, it is great that she can see you BOTH as her close friends. But give her time to talk to you. You and your bf are different people. Her talking to him might have felt okay then and there, but she needed more time to talk to you. Talking is to make HER feel better, after all. The point is no for you to feel important.
Ps. Excuse typoes please, on my silly phone..
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 November 2013):
If you think it's okay, then it's okay, if you don't think it's okay, then it's probably not.
That doesn't mean that you should be controlling him though, because on the other hand, if he thinks it's appropriate than it is, and you guys might just have two different opinions on the subject. There's no right or wrong here.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (24 November 2013):
If he's faithful to you and honest it's ok I guess. He must be good at flattery and sympathy and a good listener for all these girls to unwind their problems on him.Maybe he should become an agony aunt!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Tell your boyfriend to go on dearcupid then, just kidding. This site gives practical honest, unbiased advice, not flattering words to make people feel good. When people do things in the name of friendship lines are crossed, but really subtle ones that you can't use against them or accuse them of anything. When you mention they just deny everything and say they are just friends. That makes you the insecure and paranoid girlfriend.
Your boyfriend is a nice guy to you and to everyone, and that is the problem here.
When people talk about relationship troubles to a same sex friend, they are asking for advice and comforting words. But when it's the opposite sex it often leads to an affair. People don't consciously want this but in reality it happens a lot, even to good innocent people.
I would not want to be friend to that girl anymore. If she asks why then just tell her when you were there for her she confided in your boyfriend instead. You feel you lost a friend already. If there is a reason why she couldn't talk to you, it could be because she is jealous that you have a good boyfriend and don't have her troubles. In reality you do, it's just a different kind.
Your boyfriend is either clueless or he is also getting ego boost from the girls. He feels happy to be a hero for a damsel in distress, that he is the best guy that every girl wishes to date. The girls date jerks and secretly wish they have a guy like yours. It won't make you a bitch to express your feelings about this. Just say you feel uncomfortable to see another female crying to him. Now you are in need of reassurance let's see what he does. I suspect that your boyfriend is masking his need for attention with his helpful nature. If he only feels helpful towards other girls but not you it means that his need for ego stroke is more important than your feelings.
Crying on his shoulder is inappropriate, but if your friend does more than that and your boyfriend is as noble as he sounds like, he knows when to back off. Also if they both want to cheat they will find a way, whether you stop them or not. A solid relationship should not need a warning of what could happen in the future. It is a test for your boyfriend's judgment and impulse control.
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