A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Is he too cozy with his ex-wife?I have been dating a guy for 9 months now and the whole time have felt he is too cozy with his ex. They have three teenage children together and I totally understand having to deal with her BUT..... She calls him all the time to borrow things....his car, a drill, a lawnmower, etc. and he lends them to her without question. She also goes into his home uninvited when picking up or dropping off the kids. (It was their marital home but they have been divorced two years now) I recently found out that she has been dropping her garbage off at his house this whole two years (she claims they don't have garbage pick-up at her house) Prior to meeting me, my boyfriend and his ex had birthday parties together for the children at his house. Remember these are not 2 year old children, the youngest is 16!!!! He doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem or feel that he is too cozy with his ex. He says he does not love her at all. She cheated on him numerous times and after 20 years of marriage and at least 10 affairs, left him for a new guy. She is quite manipulative and demanding and seems to rule on when he has the kids. Even if we have plans....he will change them because his ex decided to go out of town for the weekend and he has to have the kids all weekend. I do not want to live my life based on the ex's schedule nor do I want to be with someone who is too cozy with the ex. How can I get him to see the damage he is doing to our relationship? Is there any hope or should I move on? Other than the issues with the ex, we get along great and have alot in common. I very much love him and we have talked marriage. (although I would never consider marriage unless these circumstances can be resolved) Advice please????
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female
reader, charron  +, writes (6 February 2009):
 It's very hard dating a man wih kids. i can understand what he is doing but you need to state your feelings and if he does not listerm than ..get out. he is with you now and talking about getting martried is a BIG PART of your lives.. people need to move pon from there ex.. yes see the kids do the parent stuff... but no small personal chat.. just to the roles... its a messy...that's why i would never date a man with kids!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): She might be a little bit manipulative when it comes to scheduling visits with the kids or too cheap to pay for her own trash pickup but I don't see much here that raises a red flag. If he's still on civil terms with the ex, it's probably normal that she relies on him for certain things. She's caring for his children. If she needs to borrow a car to get them somewhere or borrow a drill to repair something around the house, it's not unreasonable for him to help out.
Having her over for a birthday party is not unreasonable either. She will likely always be around on holidays and special occassions concerning the kids. They will naturally want both of their parents involved in certain things. Also, sometimes he will have to alter his personal plans to accomodate his children. That's his duty as a father. There's no getting around that.
It sounds like you might be a little bit insecure here. As the last poster mentioned, it sounds like he is accomodating and not "cozy" in an intimate sense. Maybe there is more to the story but from what you have stated, it sounds like he is a good guy. My wife speaks with her ex-husband frequently about their son. They attend school functions together with him and the ex has been over at our house for birthday parties and such. I have no problem with that.
Their relationship is over but they still have to be parents to a young boy. It sounds like you're in the same boat. I would relax a little bit. His kids are teens already. When they reach adulthood and get out on their own, she won't be around nearly as much.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 February 2009):
 He was married to her for a long time plus they have kids, I doubt things are going to change. I wouldn't say he "cosy" with her, he obviously doesn't love her, but he is accomodating. If you have spoken to him and he doesn't see a problem then you either will have to accept the situation or move on. Two years isn't long enough for all the dust to have settled and once the kids have grown up (teenagers need parent just as much as two year olds) she won't have as much reason to be so demanding, so maybe just give it more time.
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