A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I be put off by this ?. I have been meeting up with a guy that I met recently. He has told me that he would like to date me, but I'm not sure what to do yet. I recently broke up with someone, and I still miss him. This guy tried to call me earlier today. I called him back an hour later. I had been sat in my back garden all afternoon, as the weather has been nice. My phone was in my bedroom. When I called, he said " what time do you call this? ". He also said that he is going out to a pub tonight, and he asked if I wanted to go with him. I didn't want to tell him the truth about what I was doing tonight (I'm doing some work at home and washing my hair lol ), so I said that I was at my friend's house. This friend has just been on holiday. She got back today. I pretended that she had asked to see me because she has just got back. He said " Ask her now where abouts she went on holiday ". I wondered if he said that because he didn't believe that I was there. I said I would call him later.Does anyone think that he is too bossy/too keen?. I know some people are keen at first, but I think this can be off putting. I also don't want to meet him every day. We aren't even dating yet, and he is already saying things like this. What do you think?.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I think he just sounds eager - not too eager. He's going for what he wants, that's all. Maybe it feels like TOO keen to you, ... because you aren't keen enough. If you are still hung up on your ex, you'll be glad that you have someone else around to take your mind off things and validate your desirability- and that's the " like " part, but probably you are not interested enough to keep it going full steam- or even half steam. Not that you SHOULD, there's no obligations, you feel what you feel. But if you really liked this guy, you would not instantly think : too bossy, too keen. You'd think, whoah, he really likes me a lot, he he , good for me.
I also think you handled it all wrong. Maybe a variation of " never explain, never complain, never apologize " would have been better. Why in the world you have to lie, and give convoluted explanations, if you don't want to go out with him ? Just tell him, sorry, I already have other plens ( no need to explain that the plan is to stay at home to wash your undies ). Or, sorry, tonight it's really not possible.
If you start getting wrapped up into complicated explanations involving friends from abroad, ailing relatives or sick dogs : 1 ) it's a dead giveaway that you are bullshitting, unless you are a great actress, the other person gets you are blowing him off , and that , as in you case , may make him more persistent , just to " win " the battle of wills and 2) you sort of imply that you NEED a good reason or a good justification for not going out with him, that at this current stage of your ( non ) relationship is superfluous. You don't need a GOOD, valid, strong reason for staying home. You stay home, because you want to stay home ( of course , this, in the long run, may cool the ardour of the most passionate suitor, because it's a bit of a downer,nobody likes to feel so disposable. Then again, the choice is only yours, if you care more about your comfort , convenience and timing and may risk to see him cooling off, or if you care more about keeping the guy keen- and occasionally making an effort to give him your time and attention ).
I really don't see the need for this general atmosphere of unsaid and deception. If you have no money for going out and treating him, just tell him- same he has no money until X day, you can very well be in the same situation , can't you ? If you can't see him every single day because you need to stay at home some nights and / or attend to other personal matters, tell him, it's not an insult, it's the way you live your life , not everybody is born a partier or a social butterfly, what's wrong with that .
In other words, if you need to give a certain pace to things- well , just tell him and see how it goes, maybe he won't like it, but I am sure he'd like even less always being strung along with lies and excuses and vagueness.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 Just read your update. If his ex was depressed and never went out, and they dated for a while, that may very much explain why he's pushy and doesn't take no for an answer. as someone who is dating someone who differs from depression, I know what it's like trying to get your partner to stop isolating and go out with you. It's hard. I never push my partner because I think it's counterproductive for me, personally. But if it was what my partner needed, I would probably get used to it and take that into my next relationship, not realizing I was being pushy. We, as people, have a way of taking things into new relationships from ones without being aware of it.
Personally, I don't like being hounded to do something. If I say no, not tonight, it means just that. I don't like feeling like I have to explain myself. So I get where you're coming from. maybe you should just have a chat. Explain to him you're not his ex, so he doesn't need to treat you like her. he doesn't need to try to push you out of isolation like he may have had to do with her, because you're not isolating.
Anyway, good luck.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 April 2014):
Yeah, definitely too bossy or demanding. At the name time, you should just tell the truth. He could probably tell you were lying. He probably just doesn't like feeling lied to.
Most people would let this blow over. I think it's a bit overbearing to behave that way and it would be a huge put off for me.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 April 2014):
 He sounds fine to me, he probably just wonders why you keep making excuses not to see him.
You don't sound ready to date yet and that's fair enough. Don't lie to him anymore just tell him you need recovery time before you see another man
If you were ready you would be taking his calls and happy to see him at every opportunity
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 April 2014):
I see nothing wrong in not RUNNING to the phone and answering it if you sat and enjoyed the sunny weather.
BUT, don't lie.
If you don't want to go out that night just say:" thanks, but not tonight and ask for a rain-check. If he gets persistent I would get annoyed. I think it's perfectly OK to say :I just don't have the money or the mood for hanging out at the pub tonight, I'd still like to see you another day." Though I think that is only because he is keen on you. Too keen? no.
I have to agree with Cerberus, I think it might be too soon after your break up. And never ever compare guys to your ex. They are individuals and not all wired to be a certain way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): Hi Cerberus. Thanks for your reply. It isn't that I'm not interested. I wasn't blowing him off. I didn't know that he was going to call, and as I said, I had left my phone in my room, and I was outside ( I don't always have my phone by my side ). I don't always feel like going out every day, even when I am dating someone. This guy doesn't seem like taking no for an answer sometimes. A few nights ago, I kept telling him that I didn't feel like going out because I was tired ( it was late ), but he kept asking me over and over to get in a taxi and go to a bar that he was going to. I think people are entitled to have a rest or time to themselves if they want to. I personally think it's too much to see someone every day. I did want to say "not tonight ", but as I said, I said that a few nights ago, and he wouldn't accept it.Also, I have paid for us both the last few times we went out. He doesn't get paid until Thursday, and he said he will pay for a meal for us both then. I cant afford to spend money every day. He has paid for us both a couple of time before too. We said we could go for a walk together tomorrow though, if the weather is nice. Maybe I feel like that because my ex smothered me sometimes too?.I do really like this guy. I just wish I didn't still miss my ex. It's confusing.He did tell me that the last person he dated was depressed and hardly ever went out, and that was why they finished.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): I don't see it, OP, I don't see where you get the idea he's too bossy or keen.
OP with all due respect you are quite stand-offish, not answering your phone (I know you had your reason), also lying to him about what you're up to instead of just saying "not tonight" and re-arranging, you've blown him off and not in the nicest way either, OP.
It sounds like this is too soon for you, you're just about crossing the line into game playing territory here, OP and in fairness you are using him to get over your ex. Otherwise why would you get with a guy when you still miss your ex?
Read over your question again, OP, there's nothing in what he said other than a pretty normal reaction to being blown off. I'm sure he was fine when you explained you weren't ignoring his call.
You see this whole as too forward because frankly for you it's too soon. You don't want to date yet you're seeing this guy? You're still pining for your ex, OP, which means you're not emotionally available, which means you're using this guy to take the edge off. He's not being overly keen, he just wants to date you. It's time you consider what's fair for this guy, OP, because at the moment you're not being fair to him. Lying, brushing him off on a whim, thinking about your ex and you somehow think this guy is too keen? No, he's just interested in something you're quite simply not going to give him which is a nice woman to date. There's no confusion in your mind, OP, if you want to date him and were ready to be romanced by him you'd have no problem with his interest, but you're not so you're starting to feel smothered by his attention.
It's called a rebound, surely you've been through them before?
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