A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help, my marriage is falling apart and my husband doesn't seem to want it to work. I just want to be a normal couple but we keep falling out because of his ways. he never wants sex, he puts it down to not been able to get an erection but i know he satisfies himself often.When we fall out we dont speak for months. he is quite happy to hide away upstairs every night then at weekends he goes out and comes in late. (he never takes me out). I have access to his emails (he doesn't know this) and he is on dating sites listed as single. I've also found porn on our computer including gay porn. I know what my head is telling me, he doesnt want to be with me, but my heart is telling me i want to work at my marriage. I just don't know what to say anymore as when i try to talk to him he just gets nasty with me and says he wants out. But he doesn't do anything about it. If he really wanted to end our marriage he just needs to start divorce proceedings, but he does nothing. He knows i'm not able to keep the houseon myself, but he can afford it. Do you think he is trying to drive me away?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): In a word, "yes". He is trying to drive you away. He also sounds very depressed which is likely the reason he lacks the motivation to initiate a divorce. If he isn't willing to seek help or even talk to you about it, the marriage is ALREADY over despite what the legal papers may say. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you will love yourself enough to find a truly satisfying love relationship. This current thing you have does not qualify.
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 It sounds like the marriage has been on life support for a very long time now. Sometimes it is easy to not see what is really happening when the process has taken place over years. It didn't get where it is overnight.
My guess is that one of the reasons why it has gotten to this point is that you are not insisting on a change in behavior, and I gathered that from the comment, "If he really wanted to end our marriage he just needs to start divorce proceedings..."
You are in an extended standoff, waiting for him to draw a gun first. (Pardon the analogy.) Clearly there are plenty of reasons for you to make your own decision, and money/house issues are probably a major reason you have not yet. Is that a fair guess? Surely he knows that too. He doesn't really have to make a decision. There is nothing forcing his hand.
Without overstepping my bounds I hope, I would say with confidence that this is less about keeping the marriage from falling apart, and more about what to do with a marriage that has already fallen apart. I don't mean to alarm you, bu his behavior is very troubling. It is one thing to have one partner losing interest in sex, that is not uncommon. But going out alone and refusing to offer any explanation, combined with his activity on dating websites, suggests that he cares very little for your place in his life.
How others choose to express their sexuality is none of my business, and if someone is attracted to another person of the same sex then so be it. Having said that, as a heterosexual male there is no time, phase, or curiosity that would cause me to find another man sexually attractive.
No failed relationship has ever caused me to consider other men sexually.
Of all that you have said, that to me is the most significant. That speaks to how great a distance has really grown between the two of you, and how much he must have changed since the day you got married.
It should also concern you for health reasons, although if you never have sex that might be a moot point. If he is being promiscuous with strangers, and other men, then he could be putting you in harm's way.
***Please know that I am not suggesting that, or trying to plant any ideas in your head.***
I am, however, suggesting that you not refuse to see something that is right in front of you, if it is indeed happening. The truth can hurt very much.
Counseling, on your own, would be very helpful I think. You need to get some outside input on what a marriage should and shouldn't be. In perspective, you are dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. Actually saying some of the many things that you are probably keeping inside is a crucial part of the process. It becomes more real.
Unfortunately, no matter what your heart is telling you, if he has no interest in making the marriage work it doesn't matter how much effort you put into it. And be prepared if he never makes a decision or gives you any answers.
Begin to work on yourself, and on getting some of the hurt and confusion out. The stronger you become the better you will be able to deal with whatever happens next.
I really hope the best for you, and hope that you are able to start down the road to eventual peace and happiness!
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