A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I was looking for a link in the search history of our computer and I noticed that my boyf had looked in the 'sent' folder followed by the 'draft' folder then the 'trash' folders - he has two. Should this give me cause to believe he's trying to hide messages hes sending from me? I know a few months ago that he had messaged his ex on facebook and lied about it because he knows I'm jealous but it turned out to be totally innocent. So he's promised to tell me if they are ever in touch. I'm a super paranoid person as you can probably tell. Hypervigilant according to my therapist!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Well, if you're hyper-vigilant, your boyfriend should be the one writing this post. Your paranoia and insecurity is under treatment; so there isn't much more advice this column can offer that your therapist isn't professionally trained to give you.
I offer advice based on experience; so it may not contain all the psycho-babble normally associated with psycho-therapy; so sometimes people seem to find the down-to-earth approach comforting. Just good old-fashioned advice.
You have to resist snooping. You will create scenarios and suspicions in your mind, based on even the most innocent spec of evidence. You blow the smallest suspicion out of proportion; that is symptomatic of your mental condition.
Bare in mind, always accusing him of being up to something out of paranoia, is going to eventually push him out of your life. That isn't just a probability, that is a serious possibility.
We all have a limit to our tolerance.
No matter how much we may love someone, they can push it to the limit, and force us to do what we feel is best for our own survival. He has obviously been good, so far.
I think you will feel he is hiding something no matter what. So the only plausible advice is to sit down and tell him that you feel there may be things he can't tell you.
Reassure him, that you're doing everything you can to trust him. Also let him know that you are intelligent enough to sense when things may not be right in the relationship, and you owe it to each other to be honest. Let him know that the secret communication with his ex-girlfriend justifies distrust. Lying justifies your insecurity. Don't fuel the fire.
Now you also have to be able to handle the truth. If you go into a emotional tailspin at the drop of a hat, he has to walk on eggshells around you. That will drive him nuts. So your good mental-health is important to the survival of any relationship. It is as challenging for him, as it is for you.
Healing and gaining control of insecurities take effort. If you give-in to your weaknesses and don't over-come your challenges, therapy is pointless. It doesn't work unless you use it. Otherwise; you're just making your therapist rich by filling an hour on the clock, and paying for it.
There is a 50/50 chance that he is up to something. There is a 100% chance that every boyfriend on earth is hiding
something from their girlfriend. That's only human. You ladies have your own secrets, and maybe you could be up to something at some point in time. Like snooping around behind his back, for example.
If you can't deal with the possibility, you shouldn't try to maintain a relationship; until you feel you are emotionally capable of dealing with your trust issues.
Snooping around will inevitably find something, and someone with your condition will make a mountain out of mole-hill.
So just ask him straight up to let you know, if he feels there is something lacking in the relationship that would make him feel the necessity to find someone else to make him happy.
Find out if there is anything he needs that you have neglected to offer him. Also tell him if there is anything he says, or does, that adds to your insecurity. Ask him to stop doing it. The sneaking around with his ex was a major set-back for someone with your issues, and your feelings in that case were totally logical.
He shouldn't have hidden the fact. It is unsettling when boyfriends contact their exes for almost all girlfriends.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 July 2013):
 What did your therapist suggest?
I look in my "sent" folder to find old messages when I need to remember something. The "draft" folder sometimes shows something in there, I open it, and there's nothing there. It's just an old message the browser cache probably hasn't cleared. The "trash" folders I open to make sure that no legitimate mail is in there (my spam is delivered automatically to that folder).
There's another woman your age with trust issues and paranoia who has posted similar questions here about checking up on her boyfriend. If that's you, may I respectfully suggest you listen to your therapist? And, if you are this super hyper paranoid scared about your boyfriend, maybe he's not the right guy for you?
I think you are feeding your super paranoia by even posting here, honestly. I know the site exists to give advice, but in your case, you either decide to trust him and move forward with trust or you break up and start over with a new guy. If your fear of being cheated on is crippling you and harming your relationship, then it's time to deal with that fully and forcefully through therapy as you are doing, but maybe there would be other modalities of treatment that could help you. Speak to your doctor about this.
I don't think you have anything to worry about based on the information you gave in this post.
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