A
female
age
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*ate1010
writes:My partner and I have been together for six months. We're both late forties and although we don't yet live together, consider ourselves a committed couple. Whilst using his computer I discovered he's been indulging in sexual activities on-line with other women (smutty chat, photograph exchange etc). When confronted he strenuously denied everything, claiming the computer must be infected with a virus, causing it to log-on to such sites without his knowledge. I'm blonde but I'm not stupid enough to believe that. Especially when he spent the rest of the evening running 'Anti Virus Software' on the machine - which was a cover for him removing the evidence.I don't know what to do.He is devoted to me, tells everyone I'm the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to him, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc. I know he would NEVER go out there and cheat on me. If some woman actually tried to make a date with him, there is no way he would agree to it. In a weird way he has a very strong streak of decency in him; besides which there is no way he’d risk ‘us’. His activities will never progress beyond the computer keyboard. He's similar to blokes who ring premium rate phone numbers and get a kick out of listening to ‘Randy Housewife Debbie’ talking filth down the BT line.Were we living together I don’t think this would be happening , but Monday to Friday he’s alone with time on his hands and therefore extremely vulnerable to temptation. This isn't a bad man, just a very, very weak one. He will know that he SHOULDN’T be up to mischief on-line, but can’t help himself……I’m not there, he’s alone with his computer and can’t resist the temptation of a cheap thrill. The question is do I just ignore this and treat it as a minor vice (as I would a liking for watching porn movies in my absence) or do I walk away? Can I live with it, or not.Does it come under ‘cheating’……or is it just a sad way of getting a cheap thrill?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 See it in a positive light: Now you know very well what to do. You gave him every possible opportunity and he just didn't take them. Now you know how to move ahead, without thinking that "a little more love" would have done the trick.
Now you're also armed with more knowledge for future partners. I don't mean that you need to scrutinize every single thing, but now you have an instinct for these things.
After all, something positive came out of this. You will be able to tell the wheat from the chaff.
Wish you the best, poster.
A
female
reader, Kate1010 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Kate1010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone who told me to walk away.Did I heed that advice?No, I was stupid and gave him the benefit of the doubt.A month back I borrowed his phone to text my daughter, and found he’d been indulging in the exchange of sex-texts with two different females. When confronted with the evidence he started by claiming the messages were from women he’d dated before meeting me, claimed they kept messaging him but he never replied. So I showed him the replies sent from his phone. Next he tried to convince me they were old messages……although the phone data proved otherwise. Eventually he caved-in, admitted fault and promised never to do it again.I was even stupider than before and believed him simply because I wanted to.Well, a couple of days ago whilst he was out I logged-on to his computer to check my emails, and because of what happened before used the opportunity to look at his browsing history.I should have known………porn, porn and more porn!Which doesn’t generally bother me….I’m fine with the usual (boring) stuff….ladies with big jugs doing naughty things with well endowed gentlemen. But what I found was (from my perspective) much worse. He’s a member of several ‘contact’ sites where you ‘meet your adult friends on line’ (for cyber-sex, exchange of pictures etc.)He never stopped and I was a fool to believe that he ever had.I haven’t said anything yet because we’re going on a holiday next week and will lose the money if we cancel at such short notice. But he can forget about sex whilst we’re away - it’s as much as I can do simply to be civil to him right now.And once we come back – that’s it, the relationship is over.This time I mean it, all my girlfriends have been warned that I’m going to need their support and encouragement…..if I show weakness, they will not allow me to take him back!So once again folks, thanks for your advice.Just wish I’d taken it months and months ago!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Hi,only two words hunny WalkAwayxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Kate1010It sounds like your idea of "committed" isn't the same as his idea of "committed". He's already lied about cheating w/ online sex chats.
What makes this cheating is that you believe that you're committed to each other, not dating.
You've been together for six months. I don't see a future here. You might want to consider talking to him about backing off the relationship--this gives you the same freedom to date that he's enjoying.
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male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (16 October 2007):
Let him slide on this. Just looking is not that serious. Get him to agree to stop it.
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (16 October 2007):
 I, too agree with happytochat! This IS cheating!! And he is lying to you about this! If he loved you like he said, he wouldn't be doing this internet crap. Guys who do this end up cheating on their partners sooner or later!! Get out while the getting is good....find another who will treat you much better! You deserve it!
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female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 I have to agree with the others, he is so cheating even though it is not pyhsical, all of us have needs and i don't currently live with my husband but i certainly do not spend my time on the internet trying to get cheap thrills.
If you continue to put up with it now then what makes you think it will stop when you do live together, it won't because he will think you are cool with it.
Take care.xx.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 October 2007):
I'm with Happytochat. This is cheating. He told you a stupid lie about his computer. His running the antivirus proves he's the kind of man who would make up and elaborate lie, and act on it. OF COURSE he has done all that himself!
I don't think he has never met any of these women in person. I'm pretty sure they sustain this sort of online activity as well as real-life meetings.
As Happytochat said, you deserve better.
By the way, don't think any less of you because you're a blonde.
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female
reader, happytochat +, writes (16 October 2007):
I cant believe you are sticking up for him. Dont you think you deserve better then this? You do! No one, deserves to be in a relationship with someone who does that. And not only did he do that, but he lied about it. This is a pretty bad sign for your relationship if you ask me. If it is as 'innocent' and 'justifiable' as you are making it out to be for him, then he would admit it. But the truth is, its not like that and he knows that, so thats why he lied.
I would say it falls under the cheating category. But whatever category you want to put itin, it shows total lack of respect for you!
Its worse then watching porn. Atleast porn is 100% fantasy...where as your guy is chatting up REAL people. And even if he doesnt actually meet them, its still bad.
And I CANNOT believe you are taking the blame for him by saying that if you lived with him, he wouldnt be doing this. How can you be so sure? HEAPS of married men do exactly what your partner is doing, and they live with their wife. So I dont think you can be so sure of that.
You shoudlnt be putting up with this I think. I mean do you really want to live with it? I find it hard to believe you would be able to just ignore it and never think aout it again. Your gut instinct is tellling you somehting isnt right (Thats why you wrote this post)...so you should go with it.
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