A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:my husband became sexually obsessed by a younger work colleague. they still work together - there is no chance of that changing and I am finding it hard to deal with. We seem to be on different planets when the subject is discussed. He says that he is over the obsession, he loves me and only me and that he wants us to be together. However, he can see no reason why he should not be able to go out for dinner/lunch with this woman. He says work might call for it occasionally, I know the business well enough to know that meals out are not necessary. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Thanks for all the advice people. Special thanks to Richard, not quite sure whether his advice sounds great because it is, I suppose, what I want to hear.
Just have to point out that there is no going to the boss. My husband is the boss!! No saying "get rid of her" either - that is not an option. The situation would be a great deal easier to deal with it it was.
In answer to Eddie - I discovered the obsession when I realised he was "googling" - "How to seduce my younger colleague" - "Sex with a Younger Woman", etc. and texting her daily when on holiday, at weekends and late at night.
The advice though will give me the strength to continue to insist that contact is reduced to a minimum with this woman and that meals out for just the two of them are definitely not acceptable. Thanks again to you all for taking the time.
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (25 November 2007):
 Hi. I am same age group, but don’t let that put you off!
Let me get this right – when you’ve got strong feelings for someone the best way to get over it is……...... to take them out to lunch/dinner? All this time I’ve been thinking that was the way to win yourself into a woman’s arms! I need re-training.
Seriously - he needs to minimise contact, not increase it. The way to restore his wife’s confidence is to show that he has got over the problem by having nothing more to do with the other woman. Not to say: “I’m over her, but can I still see her?”
It seems he is trying to obtain your approval to see her and to continue where he left off, but with less risk. If he does ultimately end up having an affair, he can direct some blame onto you for letting him see her. It’s a good plan of his I must admit. Once you approve this, even reluctantly, he has virtually no chance of being caught. And even if he does, it’s partly your fault!
If he persists in his justification of business needs suggest you both see his boss, tell the boss marriage is on the rocks and could boss help out by excusing him from lunch/dinner and other contact with the woman for six months or so until he’s over her. I am sure company would manage. What if he had a broken leg – they’d get around it if they valued him. Well he’s got a weak heart at the moment, not a broken leg.
You have to be rigid. Absolutley no concession. He should be accounting for his movements until your confidence in him is restored. How he behaves from now on will be his choice. But you will be making it very difficult for him to cheat. And there’ll be no ambiguity over blame.
Good luck, Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): No that's not at all acceptable when it's making you uncomfortable. We are all born with some kind of intuition, and it's usually right most of the time. Yet he was obsessed with her so that's another big red flag sticking out. I went thru a similar issue with my wife. I later found she was cheating like my intuition was telling me. If he refuses to end this friendship, you should end yours with him. I would bet there has been more going on with those 2 then you currently know. If what he says about you is true, he will have no problems in ending this volital frienship. I started to end my marriage because of all the infidelity I suffered from my wife as well as too much abuse. It wasn't very long and she was begging me to stop the divorce and wanted to reconcile. I gave in to her but I can tell you I have serious trust issues that attack me every day. If I were you, being what I know now, I would make him move out, take care of my health and learn to be strong so I can stand up for myself. You do not deserve this at all.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 November 2007):
 First of all. did he admit to be sexually obsessed with her or is this a label you gave him? What were the circumstances that lead to him being labeled as such?
If it's true that he was obsessed with her, he should not be going out to lunch with her. There is no good reason for it. He may try and convince himself that he is above making a mistake but the truth is...nobody is.
I'd really like to know what the extent of his feelings were toward her. If it was just that he found her attractive, and you overreacted, then the issue would be yours.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (25 November 2007):
 You need to tell him how you feel. He needs to know you are not happy with the way he is behaving, either he stops taking her out for dinner or you need to have a talk.. Does he pay for the dinner or does work? That's a question you should ask :), i really hope i helped, feel free to mail me about anything :) x
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