A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ladies, please tell me what to do. My wife of over 8 years seems to have lost interest in me. She spends almost all of her time talking about how much she hates her work, and the rest of her time sleeping, working out/running, or fighting with our 6 year old. I'm near the bottom of her list. Except for one day every week or two, she's almost always in a bad mood and gets irritated easily. This has gone on for a few years now, and it's getting REAL old. I usually walk on egg shells, and try to support her and do what i can, but nothing really helps. By nature, I'm a happy and fun guy and people enjoy being around me, but she deflates any attempts I make to try to make her happy. I'm getting tired of trying, and am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. She seemed SO happy when we married and now she just seems irritable all the time. I love her, but she complains she's gained weight [which I really don't care about]. I love her and find her attractive, but she rarely has any desire. Worries about work seem to dominate her life, and I try to help, listen, etc but I can't make everything better. Is she having an affair? I doubt it. She also seemed to say she doesn't want to be close to me because shes afraid of getting hurt [i find this out after 8 years?]. I think all her relationships before we got together were pretty bad, but we don't talk about them. Should I bring up her past and try to figure out why she's so disconnected? shes also not close to her dad for whatever thats worth. But I love her and would do anything for her, yet she doesn't seem to care. i spent 10 months losing over 40 pounds thinking she might find me more attractive. NOPE. Instead now i have women besides my wife paying attention to me. all i want is her attention, and NOW instead she says we should stop having sex for a while. so i get OTHER womens attention, but not hers. Just don't know what to do. I could ramble but I'll stop now. WHAT do I do? My head is spinning and no one [so far] has had any useful advice. Is divorce inevitable? Is there any way I can wake her up to our situation? SHe knows something is wrong, but says she doesn't know what to do about it. WHAT do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): from the man who posted the question - thank you to all of thr posters. I appreciate your insight and will pursue your suggestions. I'm NOT ever gonna cheat, that's just not in my make-up. But i wonder if because SHE knows that, she feels safer cutting off sex to focus on her life without me being a big part of it. i don't know. anyway, thank you! anybody else have tips? thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): Well first of all let me give you cudoes for not running out and sleeping with other women when you are not getting what you want from your wife. That is very admirable of you. Then you did try to communicate with your wife. I have a couple of questions. Being a woman, I know when I'm tired and have been running all day, I really not in the mood. Have you tried giving your wife a break? By that I mean, do you pick up the slack of doing house chores, instead of her always running behind your child, do you tell her "Honey relax, I'll take care of it". Do you let her have some me time? Do you take your child out for about an hour or so in order for her to have some time to herself? I'm not saying that you don't do that, but it wasn't clearly indicted in your post. If you want more attention and sex, you are going to have to put as much effort into doing what she does around the house, help run more errands, etc. Then that way she will have more energy to do pay attention you. If that doesn't work, then try counseling. Just don't give up yet without exhausting all possibilities. Best of luck to the both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): i used to be like your wife. I thought about work all the time, looked after our eight year old and ny husband came pretty far down the list. You have a saving grace here because you have actually tried to talk to your wife about why she is the way she is , mine didn't he just went out and slept with other women who gave him the attention he so craved. There are probably a lot of factors to take into account here. If she is upset about work that will instantly kill any sexual desire, it also makes you tired and irritable. Any fear of losing the job also creates extra worries. Also looking after a child is exhausting especially while working. I don't know how old your wife is but if she is in your age bracket she could be pre-menopausal which also makes you tired and sometimes depressed. I think you need to give her a big wake up call. Take the time to tell her what you are unhappy with and why and then give her time to change. If no effort is forthcoming then leave. My husband did not give me the chance to put things right and that will forever rankle with me, he just up and left. I am now divorcd and married to another man and boy do I make an effort with this one!!
Your wife is probably unhappy about a lot of things, her weight, money, job , things she is required to do, maybe feels pressurised into having sex, they all need talking about and seeing if there is anything that can be done to make her feel happier about life in general because if she is happier things will change for th better in her behaviour towards you.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 Have you considered a separation? So many married people these days just take their partner for granted, and I think separation can be a good way to make someone see what they're going to lose if they go down the divorce path, and, unlike divorce, it's not an irreversible way to deal with things. It would also help bring any core issues to the surface and force both of you to deal with them.
A lot of men refuse to face up to the reality of what's really going on when a wife starts with the 'no sex' trip. The woman gets to keep all the aspects of her married life that make her feel secure and wanted, while she refuses to be a proper wife and fulfil her husband's needs. The truth is that when you love someone, even if you aren't raging with desire, you don't mind a 'special cuddle'. Too many women use the menopause or stress cards as a way of keeping the hubby at bay, making him feel guilty about wanting sex. Why so many men put up with this selfish crap is a mystery to me. I'm pretty sure the divorce rate would be double what it is if more men realised what the score really is when the wife loses interest in sex.
As for her whinging about work, etc, having someone around who's always bitching is just a drain on everyone who has to listen to them. I never see what's so lovable about those people, or why no one pulls them up and tells them to just can it and stop dragging everyone around them down. Counselling can sometimes be answer if there is something truly bothering the person and they have a reason to be unhappy, but if they're just an asshole by nature, then nothing will fix it.
Best of luck dealing with it :)
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