A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is without a doubt the nicest man I have ever been with, and I think he is the only one that truly loves and cares for me.He has often said that he feels differently about me than anyone else he has been with.The problem is that I am more of a type A personality and I am a bit older than him. I will admit I am just a bit more uptight and focused on tasks and planning and schedules and whatnot.He is very laid back and kind of goes with the flow and doesn't make too many plans or schedules. I am accepting that that is where he is in his life right now.Things are tough for him financially right now, and he is living with me so that he can save money to support his ailing parents (very legit). He is a very kind and loving man and he is a good family man and I think he would be a good father one day.The problem is that he flirted with a woman about 6 months ago online. She was someone he knew before I met him, and they flirted intimately. He said he would never be in a relationship with someone like her and that he was just flirting. She definitely likes him, and I asked him to not speak with her, as she is interested in him romantically. He said he wouldn't and that the flirting was something that had happened months before that I had only found out about.Well, he contacted her last week and asked her to spend time with him at a local bar. He wanted me to spend time with him at the bar after work, but I couldn't because work was really busy at that time and I have to get up early (I work day shift/he works swing). He has been asking to spend time with me, and I want to, but things are hard right now. I am working and cooking and cleaning, and by the time he gets home from work, I am already asleep.I feel like he likes her more because she is way more relaxed and laid back than I am. I don't know if I can or should change at this point in my life. I do think there are times when I shouldn't worry so much, but I don't think it is a totally bad personality trait.I feel like I cannot trust him. And I feel saddened because I am putting a lot into our relationship and times are very, very tough. If we break up, he will not have anywhere to go except for couch surfing.I am not sure what to do. I feel like we are very different people, but we have this strong love for each other. Is love enough?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do think that perhaps I have been being too supportive. And I do want to spend time with him. It is just that this is a busy season at work, and when I do ask to spend time with him, he wants to spend time by himself, or with his buddies, etc.
I do try to make time for the both of us, but it is a two-way street. I try to make a romantic dinner, and he has a practice scheduled with his friends. He tries to make time with me, and I have to work that day or spend time with my family. I stay up late just so I can give him a hug and a kiss, even though I wake up so tired in the morning.
I am saddened, but I think his telling the other woman (gosh, am I saying that phrase?) that he can't talk to anyone else about certain things the way he can talk to her, is a bit inappropriate.
I think I will remain his friend. I am just saddened that perhaps we don't have what we are looking for in a partner.
I am also saddened because he hasn't made much of an attempt to contact me today. I asked him to talk later, and he said ok. But that is about it. I feel like I am the one who is hurt, but he is acting like i am the one who is wrong.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (18 August 2009):
 I think you are acting more like his mother than his girlfriend. You are doing his work for him, worrying about his problems, and overcompensating by working too much. We women tend to think we are being loving by giving unconditionally, but men frequently feel incompetent and untrusted when we give so much.Take a turn at letting him do some giving and you do some receiving. It will build his self-esteem, confidence and competency to feel needed. Love is enough but we have to be careful that we give what the other person needs/desires most in the way that they want it. He has already asked for your time, and attention... those are NEEDS for him and if you don't meet them someone else will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been working a lot, and our schedules conflict, and I have been very tired, and that is the only reason why we haven't spent a lot of time together doing date-like activities. I have been cooking and cleaning for us, and helping him get to various appointments and chores, and he often sleeps late on mornings where he said he wanted us to spend time together.I always think about him and I care for him immensely. He says he even wants me to ask him for help more often.Talking to another woman...rather, spending time with a woman he has flirted with in the evening hours just doesn't sound very good at all. Sounds too tempting.
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A
female
reader, annonymous71 +, writes (18 August 2009):
Love is a big part of a serious relationship, but sometimes more is needed. In order for your relationship to stay on track you may need to spend more time with him.Make more of a sacrifice to do what he wants, if you really love him.
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