A
male
age
41-50,
*orbandallas
writes:I just found out that my ex-girlfriend recently got engaged. We dated roughly 6 years ago, and for some reason this recent news I find ver upsetting.A little history:When we met she was studying english in Canada. She was my first and only serious relationship I have ever had. We were together for about a year and a half, during which time I started doubting my feelings for her. After her visa was up she asked me to return to Japan with her. I was 23 at the time and in no way ready for this, and I was doubting how strongly I felt for her. Anyways, I was upset when she left.I know that's a lot to read, but this news is really bothering me. I no longer feel the desire to go to Japan. She has also invited me to the wedding, and I don't know if I can watch her get married.Why do I feel like this if I was confused of how I felt 6 years ago? Is it simple the case that I can't have her anymore? She visited me once a year for the next two years and we talked often on the phone. Slowly our communication dwindle to emails maybe once a month, or every few months. This year, I have been thinking about her quite a bit, and was beginning to think I made a mistake all those years ago. So, I was planning a trip to visit her, as she has asked numerous times for me to come. I am also bored with Canada and wouldn't mind living in Japan.
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female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 I think you should just tell her the truth, that you want to be happy for her but still have feelings for her that are making it hard for you, and see what she says?
She will either tell you she still cares about you too, as more than a friend, or she will say she is sorry but she doesn't like you that way anymore. At least then she will understand why it is to painful for you to skype with her or come to the wedding.
This is your last chance to tell her how you really feel before she marries someone else. But don't mess with her emotions unless you are sure about it and ready and able to do whatever it takes to win her back, even if that means moving to Japan.
If your not able to do that for any reason, then wish her the best and tell her you are happy she found someone who loves her.
A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (15 March 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your sound advice. This recent news of her engagement is hitting my harder than I expected. I was planning on going down in September to visit her. I wanted to find out if her and I were meant to be toghether. She knew I was going to come. Now the fact that I may never have the opportunity is eating me up inside.Before I found out about her engagement I told her I'd like to talk to her on Skype. Now, she wants to talk on skype, and I don't know if I can. I'm afraid I will break down in front of her. I've been crying since I found out.I want to wish her the best and cogragulate her and also tell her how I feel and what she means to me. I would have gone down last year had I had the money, now I'm having irrational thoughts of selling my guitar (my most prized position) to buy a plane ticket... Completely nuts I know.There is no way I could bring myself to go to her wedding, and I don't want to lie to her as to why. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do except to cut off communication with her all together, but she will probably wonder why. I had 6 years, why does this hurt so much...
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (14 March 2011):
I don't think you have moved on as well as she has. She is fine with just being friends with you, and that is all she wants or expects from you now. And you need to face that before you even think about going to Japan.
Because even if this girl has been secretly hoping you would change your mind one day and tell her you want her back in your life. You still aren't sure whether you do or you don't and you have had the last 6 years to figure it out.
If you were still in love with her, I think you would have known long before now and you would have done whatever you had to do to get her back. But you didn't.
So what I think you are feeling now is just regret, for what might have been if you had taking the other path
and moved to Japan and kept the girl. And as long as she was still single the possibility of that still happening remained an option.
Once she gets married that option is going to be gone for good, and you know this. But even with the full knowledge that you are soon going to lose her forever you still hesitate to act on those feelings.
That tells me, and should tell you that your feelings for her are not strong enough to build a relationship on. You may care for her, but you are not in love her. And it would be a huge injustice for her if you interfered with her life and her future with a man who does love her and wants to marry her. When you are still so wishy washy about it.
Maybe it would be good for you both for you to attend her wedding and wish her the best. It could provide you with some closure. And help you move on the same way she has.
But don't go unless you can be strong and keep your conflicitons to yourself. If you can't then stay home and send a nice gift.
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