A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am new to this site and have a few questions that I am hoping to get help with. I have been having an affair with a married woman for almost 9 months. She is fantastic. Neither of us thought we would ever be in this situation ever. We are both fairly non-sexual people and it started as more of an emotional relationship, but soon turned physical and got both of us to develop certain emotions that we never thought we had...We have gotten caught with emails and texts a few times (by husband), but nothing too terrible...though she is not allowed to talk to me. Anyway, we stopped having sex, but continue to do other things from time to time...though sometimes guilt runs pretty high for her. She doesnt spend the night anymore either, even if it were to be allowed to happen. For the most part our relationship is non sexual....We talk and see each other every day and we do everything that normal couples would do...except she wont leave right now. In addition, I fill a lot of voids that her hussband cannot fill (do things for her to help make life easier and better)...i also help her feel wanted, needed and confident in herself....loved.She says that their relationship has to run it's course and she has become very good about hiding it from the world....she says i give her everything that she needs to be happy and that we will get our chance, i just have to be patient....she is so afraid to disappoint and hurt others that I fear that this could get in the way of her leaving...i want her to feel empowered to do something to make herself happy...but I dont know if she will do it...in the mean time she is living two lives, trying to make 2 people happy, instead of herself.She says that they do not sleep together and i know from the past(mutual friends) that they never have much....put recently i was over at her place doing some stuff for her and the dresser drawer was half open...i saw a condom wrapper in there...so now i know...My question is this...should i give it more time if i truly think that she will leave? Do i bring up what i found? it is really none of my business, but it was an accident...i am fine getting past it if i did tell, so i am not sure what purpose it would serve....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bitch +, writes (26 November 2009):
You need to end this relationship. She is married. I don't care if she is consentual it is not fair to you and no matter what she says, this is wrong in every way. How would you like it if she were to marry you and then someday when the marriage was having hard times she decided instead of trying to work it out or go to counseling or just end the relationship, she had an affair behind your back? How does that make you feel? This could happen again, she did it once, why not again? So basically she can't get up the nerve to end her marriage, but she can get up the nerve to sleep with another man and to have an emotional affair with another man? Why can't she just leave? I don't get it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): How can you cheat on her husband when you know him and are in his home? Do you feel like a cad?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (25 November 2009):
I'll give you the same advice I would give to a woman seeing a married man.
She has absolutely no reason to leave her husband.
All the things she doesn't get from him, she gets from you.
She's in the perfect position at the moment and doesn't have to do anything that makes her feel bad (like be honest and confess to her husband.)
If you want her to leave him then tell her you have to end it.
Stop seeing her, cut contact with her and tell her that she must only get in touch when she has left her husband and is prepared to start a real relationship with you.
She will never get round to ending her relationship with him as it's going to be a horrible thing to have to do. She's not going to put herself through that while she has you.
It's tough but you have to leave her. If she comes after you then great. If she stays with her husband then at least you know and can move on.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Hi, to answer your 1st question you shouldn't give it more time tbh i dont think she will leave him, you need to move on fast otherwise you'll be the only one hurt when she dont leave
theres no point bringing up what you found because shes married to the guy if she doesnt have sex with him at all hes going to get abit suspicious isnt he?
their a couple im sorry to say this but your just her guy on the side, even if she is unmarried in her relationship, she would have left by now if she wernt trying to make it work. When someone is unfaithful in a relationship most of the time, its not that they dont love their partner their with its just that they are missing something in the relationship now if she starts getting that missing something from her relationship with her husband she wont need you will she?
which means that you'll have been waiting around for this women for know reason, its too risky to wait around for think of the other guy aswell.
hope this helps anyways best of luck with whatever you decide :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 November 2009):
Ever get the feeling you're being used to fill a void? I think you do, and I'm not sure you're facing up to it just yet, though you are getting there. You'll get your chance when exactly? There's no date. And it doesn't seem like her marriage is truly at an end yet. Don't be under the illusion that men are the only people who use. Women do too, and unless this woman leaves her husband, then she's not for you. Personally, Id say back away. If she loves you, she'll leave him and there won't be any if's or buts on her part at all. Don't wait around when there is another woman out there who is single and would love to have a caring boyfriend like you.
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