A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this great guy now for nearly 7 months. I'm in love with him and I know he definitely is in love with me. We spend all our time together, but also see friends every now and again.A year ago he was in an 8 year relationship with the mother of his children (not married. It ended cos he fell out of love with her and stopped giving her affection. She threw him out eventually. They were 18 + 22 when they got together. 23 and 19 when 1st child was born.When I asked why he fell out of love with her, he says "she changed. Her confidence grew. I was used to her relying on me to look after her, but when she started a new job, she changed. She stopped doing the same things." Now I have lived on my own for 4 years. He knows this. But my worry is this... if he fell out of love with her for not being as helpless and dependent on him, why the hell is he with me? (I'm very independent)We're same age, early 30s. He says he wouldn't change me for the world and he loves me the way I am. But I'm really worried by the fact that he had a woman that was so dependent on him, but when she became more independent he fell out of love with her. Well as I said earlier, I'm an independent woman having lived on my own for so long. He says he loves me. I can tell he loves me by the way he treats me and is with me. But I feel insecure that somehow I am not his perfect little woman.... I ask him, but don't you want someone who needs looking after more, and he just says he loves me the way I am and that he does look after me! He also says he got bored of their relationship too.... they got too much into a rut of routine and little anything else. He has never cheated on her or anyone..... but somehow I feel that if some helpless little woman was to come along, would he take that opportunity because I don't need "looking after"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): You just made the biggest mistake anybody can ever make in a relationship and that's comparing yourself to an ex.
Why is it the biggest mistake? Because it makes absolutely no sense and all it does is make you worry about something that actually doesn't matter.
That was then, different time, different woman, different relationship. You might aswell compare yourself to his mother and worry that you don't tuck him in at night as well as she used to. I mean come on. Have you ever had the exact same relationship with two different people? No of course not.
You're not seeing the bigger picture at all, you don't know the intricacies of their 8 year relationship, how do you expect to understand all that went on in that time over a few conversations with him? You will never know the full details of how it went wrong between them so just let it go. It has no bearing on you at all.
Just accept that their relationship ended and yours is nothing like that. You even said that you're already an independent woman so even at the start you're completely different than her.
By the way, you failed to read between the lines and took what he said literally. It wasn't the fact that she became independent, it was the fact that she became independent of him, she became independent of the relationship she had with him and basically they just drifted apart. It happens.
Stop comparing your relationship to that of him and his ex it's illogical. Are you the same person you were when you were with your ex? Or did you learn some lessons from that relationship. Is this relationship the exact same as the last one you had? No it's not because this is a different guy and it's a different time. Just start focusing on this one and let the past be the past.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 Maybe he felt shut out when his ex got everything she wanted: kids and career, and stopped appreciating him. I think having a child really changes how the man fit in her life. An independent woman still needs a man to feel complete. You don't have to do more than knowing that most men want to feel needed, and that they need spice in their lives. The fact that you asked this question shows that you need him, his affirmation of love for you. You are both in love. Do the things that would keep you in love for as long as possible.
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